11 Fun Ways to Build Your Self Confidence That You Won't Find In Cosmo

I've had quite a few confidence shattering experiences over the last five years. And there's a notable difference between how I presented myself five years ago than now. Somewhere along the way though , I learned that it's possible to love myself, that I'm much more introverted than I thought I was and that when you compare yourself to someone you once were, you're always going to see it with rose-tinted glasses.

I've been in soul sucking jobs, had managers that were vicious bullies, fallen out with friends, had people my life who made me feel like shit and other various experiences that I won't detail here because no matter how honest and vulnerably you share your life online, you have to have boundaries and draw a line in the sand somewhere.

These are tips you probably aren't going to read in Cosmo. And I'm guessing you're not a huge Cosmo addict because my site is pretty much as far away as you can get from it.

I don't write lists of 5 ways you can love yourself TODAY because I believe they're bullshit as much as I believe the sun is in the sky.

Instead these are small exercises and tiny and big actions you can take, that over a period of time and working on yourself, are going to help you build your confidence.

So if your confidence has been chipped, if you don't stand as tall as you once did, or if you never stood tall to begin with, I hope these can be valuable things you can do so you can greet the world in the eyes, to quote Macklemore, 'stare the world into its face' and claim your space in the world without apology.

1. Dress for the person you want to be

The idea of dressing for the job you want has been thrown around a lot lately. It's one of those pseudo empowerment, techniques that probably helps someone. While I think that leaves a lot to be desired, the idea of dressing for the person you want to be is a much better alternative.

I think we can all get into a habit with how we dress. Wearing stuff that is okay but doesn't really reflect who we are. Keeping to the same safe shapes, the same safe colours and not fully embracing who we are.

And I think that's especially true if you have your own issues around your body image. For me, I've put off buying clothes I LOVE for a long time, because I'm 'plus size'. I kept telling myself the quirky and beautiful clothes I want are attainable when I've lost the weight. But here's the thing. I've had an up and down relationship with my body for all of my life. I'm not suddenly going to drop all the weight, and even if I did, I deserve to have clothes I love NOW. In my head, the person I want to be dresses how I used to when I was thinner. Lots of colour, lots of accessories, and outrageous colour and pattern combinations. And I'm working to embrace that. When me and Mr. Meg go on our round the world adventure, we're going to need maximum versatility and clothes we love. I'm only taking a 45 litre rucksack, so the clothes I take, I need to love. Instead of buying loads of plain vests and leggings, I'm going to be rocking this killer dungaree flared skirt, this beautiful polka dot tea dress and glamming it up with one of these *gorgeous* vintage evening dresses (whenever I can decide on the print!)

How can you dress to be the person you want to be? Take a bit of time - what does she look like? Browse Pinterest, indulge yourself in finding clothes that reflect who you are as a person.

2. Look strangers in the eye

This can be pretty fucking terrifying. So many of us get hung up on worrying what other people think of us, but the truth is that most people are so concerned about themselves and having that same inner dialogue in their own head that they're probably not wondering why you bought that dress or how your stomach sticks out in your jeans.

And here's the fun bit. When you start to look people in the eye, you'll realise something. It's not as scary as you think. It doesn't kill you, you get a much better view. You get to see so much more than the pavement and pigeon shit.

And that has to be worth it in itself.

3. Go somewhere where no one recognises you

There's something so liberating about being somewhere that no one recognises you. There's a sense of freedom, that you probably won't see people you know, and that you probably won't see any of these people ever again. You can try out personas, walk with some serious swagger, dance and sing out loud to your favourite music, give people the eye and greet the world in the face. Of course you do this anywhere, but sometimes it helps to start in places completely familiar and build yourself up.

I love the George Bernard Shaw quote: "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."

Explore who you can be. And have fun with it!

4. Take REALLY bad 'selfies'

My inside cringes at the word selfies, but there we go.

If you struggle with low self confidence, chances are you aren't best friends with the camera either.

I've got periods of my life where I have no pictures of myself. There are whole chunks of my life that remain visually undocumented because I hated the way I looked so much. And that's really sad. Because I didn't have any less of a story, and I was still living my life. I just hated myself to the point that I didn't think my face was worth documenting.

While you might never want to get to the stage where you're taking pictures of yourself and updating your profile picture every day, I think it's definitely worth starting to take photos of yourself and looking at them. We can become so disconnected with what we see in the mirror. The more you start to connect with your reflection, the greater chance of you finding things you love about your face.

I can say with joy that I love my eyes, my nose ring really makes me smile and I have a pretty hilariously big smile. And I can also tell you the things I don't like - the fat around my neck, my less than clear skin and my lack of dimples. But you know what? The things I love outweigh those negatives every day.

So start taking photos. Start with the ones that are so bad that they make you laugh. And somewhere along the way, I bet you'll start to find things you love too.

5. Start a Comfort Zone List

This is absolutely inspired by Anabel Roque Rodríguez and her own challenge that she shares on Couragemakers. Anabel and her friend both wanted to extend their comfort zones, so they came up with an amazing project to help them do it.

Every week, they would mail each other a couple of ways they were each going to challenge themselves to come out of their comfort zone. Sometimes it would be something as seemingly simple as talk to a stranger.

Why not start your own Comfort Zone List? By doing small actions every week and deliberately focusing on your comfort zone and how you're feeling, you're going to find yourself really proud of what you can achieve which will start to build your confidence in no time.

11 Fun Ways To Increase Your Self Confidence You Won't Find in Cosmo

6. Do something for you that is completely unrelated to your work or any goal

We're so busy that sometimes it can be really hard to justify doing things just for the fun of it. But I think there's something magical that happens when you do something just because you want to.

It makes you feel more in control of your own life, and reaffirms your subconscious that you do matter, and that your happiness is importance.

And it can be anything. Signing up to Borrow My Doggy and getting to know cute dogs in your neighbourhood, having a one person karaoke party, writing your own one person musical (this is on my 30 before 30 list and I'm still not sure how I'm going to pull it off!), or going outside in the pouring rain and let yourself get completely soaked. Or you could start a watercolour painting class, teach yourself to make your own shampoo or learn a new skill. Whatever appeals to you, even if you don't know why.

Whatever is fun for you - and you don't have to justify it, and it doesn't have to make sense to any one other than you - find time to do it. And enjoy it.

And if you don't know what you find fun - start exploring!

7. Stop apologising

I am a recovering chronic apologiser. I apologise for so much shit that has nothing to do with me.

Sorry [even though you bumped into me], sorry [for talking too much even though you asked me a question], sorry [for taking up my full seat on the train, that I have a right to sit in], sorry [for standing up for myself even if you did treat me like shit], sorry [for asking where my meal is even though I ordered half an hour ago], sorry [for interrupting you even though I told you I had to leave half an hour ago]. And the list goes on.

I might as well apologise for the sun fucking shining.

Jeez louise.

And here's the thing. It makes me feel like shit. Every time I do it, I then get annoyed at myself and then end up blaming myself and feeling stupid.

What a confidence crippling cycle.

So if you find yourself doing the same (because I know I'm definitely not alone in this), join me in challenging yourself not to apologise, unless you do something that really warrants it. Like accidentally poisoning your friend's cat, or being mean to someone you love.

You don't owe the world an apology for existing.

8. Get an outside perspective

This is something that's really helped me and it's much different (and better) than asking friends to name three good qualities about you, like so many places suggest.

Having a completely objective perspective can really make you view yourself, and your strengths in a way you didn't before.

In order to do this, I suggest three different online tests (in order of how helpful I think they are.

Clifton StrengthsFinder Test 

I found this one to be an absolute gamechanger. I'd thought of doing it for a while but resented having to pay (it's not very expensive - I did it by buying the kindle edition). But then I got chatting to Violeta Nedkova on Couragemakers about it, and decided it was worth giving a go.

And it SO was. After an extensive (but really fun) set of scenario based questions, you end the test with a breakdown of your top 5 skills (mine were activator, maximiser, connectedness, strategic and relator). Which is really cool in itself, but it gets better!

For each of your top five strengths, the test goes on to tell you how that strength helps you stand out, gives you questions, ideas for action *and* an action plan.

This test has really given me a new understanding of why I've really struggled with the jobs I've had. I can see that I needed to be working for progressive organisations, places where my creativity, strategic skills and leadership skills were valued and nurtured, and have the ability to really feedback my ideas on how to make the organisation a better place. And knowing that really helped heal some old wounds.

A lot of people find this test so transformative because it allows you to see what you thought were weaknesses, as strengths, and helps you see yourself in a completely different light.

The Fascination Advantage

This is another fun one, and again it's not free but I think there is a free quick version you can do here.

This quiz is all about how the world sees you, and while I didn't really discover anything new about myself, it was reaffirming and was a bit like a big accomplishment.

Something I did find however, is that it was SO helpful in understanding how Mr. Meg works. He did the test (yes, I made him!) and I now have such a better understanding of how his mind works and what motivates him.

And it turns out that not everybody works the same as me and is motivated by the same things. So that was a fun realisation!

And if you're wondering, my primary advantage was passion amd my secondary advantage was power which means my result is that I'm 'The People's Champion'.

Get ready to have a new epic name to call yourself after taking this test!

Free Personality Test Based on Myers Briggs* (it isn't THE Myers Briggs test, but a free version that a lot of people take instead)

So if you've seen people have a seemingly random acronym in their Twitter bio, this personality test is probably the culprit.

It's pretty similar in style to the Strengths Finder Test, but instead of telling you your strengths, it assigns you to one of 16 personality types. And it's pretty fucking accurate. And slightly too creepily true.

It is designed to work out :

How you interact with the world - Introverted (I) or Extroverted (E) How you interpret things - Sensing (S) or Intuitive (I) How you make decisions - Thinking (T) or Feeling (F) How you deal with the outside world - Judging (J) or Perceiving (P)

And once you do the test, you get your acronym. There are 16 different combinations and each are completely different. And completely fascinating. And you end up with a long description that basically sums you up better than anything ever has.

If you're curious, I'm an INFP, and it seems like a lot of people I really relate with are as well!

These three tests are great at building confidence because they help give you a deeper understanding of you. And you might find yourself nodding along in agreement with some pretty incredible things about yourself.

9. Laugh for no reason

A random fact about myself, is that a couple of years ago, I trained as a laughter yoga instructor. If you're wondering what laughter yoga is (it's not some fantangled way of moving your body, it's mainly about breathing and the amazing health impacts laughter gives us), you can see it in practice here with Dr. Madan Kataria, who started the laughter yoga movement.

As well as laughing myself silly until I felt like I couldn't move, I learned so much about how laughter helps us in every day life. From how it helps boost our immune system, how it helps us connect with people, to how it helps us to build resilience.

And here's the best part of all.

Your body and mind don't know the difference between fake laughing and real laughing. So you get the exact same outcomes from making yourself fake laugh as you do when you have a really good laugh with a friend.

Now, this might take a bit of getting used to, and feel downright bizarre when you first start, but once you've got over that first hiccup, you'll find that it can have great effects on your mood and confidence.

So try it out. I recommend starting with a simple breathing technique 'Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha' and taking it from there.

Believe me, it works, and it's a lot of fun!

10. Do something that really scares you, that you wrote off as something you might do ONE DAY

I think it's really easy to divide the world into things we want to do that are in the realm of possibility and the things we'd love to do that we'll probably never do.

And I think there's a massive amount of confidence that can be gained by making those things that are bucket list items, or things that we think we'll do one day into reality.

And those things can be the big scary things, and they can also be tiny things. Because what's big and scary for you, might be easy to someone else, and what's piss-easy for you might be a huge deal to someone else.

But the main difference is doing them instead of thinking about them. Recruit a friend, set yourself a challenge, take the leap and trust the net will be there to catch you.

Because life is here to be lived. And you have the power to make that happen.

11. Show Up

My last tip is the biggest and probably the hardest. And it encapsulated a lot of what I've already spoken about.

And that's to show up, claim your motherfucking right to exist, and dare to do the things that make you happy.

Because you have every right to show up. And sometimes we all need the reminder that we're not here to shrink away, keep our thoughts to ourselves and look at the ground. We're not here to apologise for taking up space, to hide our brilliance and to shy away from what makes us unique.

You have so many things that make you stand out. And you have a combination of skills, strengths and personal quirks that no one else has.

You don't have any competition, because no one can do what you do in the way you do it.

And that's pretty fucking special.

I hope this list has given you some inspiration and practical ways to start building your own confidence.

Stop apologising for existing, start laughing, embrace your personality, smile at strangers, and stand a bit taller.

Surprise yourself.

You have so much to give the world and the world needs to hear your story.

And anyone who has made you think any different, can quite frankly shove it.

I would love to know any fun ways you've used to build your confidence, or how you got on trying these ideas out for yourself! Let me know in the comments!

Thank you to the lovely Tiffany Pratt for letting me use this beautiful photo. Credit for interior design and styling goes to Tiffany Pratt and photography rights go to Tara McMullen.

Pep Talk: Be The Heroine In Your Own Adventure Story

Here's a truth for you: I have spent my whole life wanting to write about women who go on adventures. Women who decide to choose themselves and follow their own path, wherever it takes them. Women who buy a one way plane ticket and greet life with a smile and a fuck it attitude. Women who go where the wind takes them find themselves. Women who go out and chase their dreams like their life depends on it. I've spent my whole life wanting to write about these women, but now something is different.

Instead of reading about these fictional heroines, I'm meeting them, chatting to them, interviewing them about their incredible journeys, about both the shit and the giggles and what it took to get them to where they are today.

And somewhere along the way, instead of writing about fictional characters who go on adventures to find themselves, I became a real life version.

And **shit ** is that equal parts terrifying and exciting at the same time.

I've spent so much of my life in a deep sense of longing. Longing to be someplace different, longing for a different life, longing for adventures and longing to be the fictional heroine who lives in my imagination.

And it's really hard to believe that I am becoming her.

In just over three months time, me and Mr. Meg will be leaving the UK to have our own adventure. We'll be spending three months in the US, dancing ourselves silly, eating our way around the country and sleeping on strangers couches in cities we've only dreamt of.. Then after a short visit back home, we'll be off to India, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and Indonesia for six months to see some of the most beautiful places in the world, massively expand our point of reference and really open our minds and our lives. And the future? It looks a little something like this:

I don't know what memories I'm going to make. I don't know what crazy stories I'm going to come back with. I don't know what's going to inspire me, and what I'm going to learn about myself.

But what I do know is this: In a year's time, when I'm thinking about writing about women who go and have their own adventures, it's going to be with a completely different set of references and experiences.

It's going to be from the point of view of someone who chose herself and chased after her dreams as well.

Because if I don't choose myself, it will never happen. I would have just been stuck longing and wondering over the what ifs. Those fictional characters in stories I've yet to write would get more developed, their dreams more real than mine ever could be and my dreams would be just that. A story that's waiting to be written, which might never have been written.

I'm slowly realising that I don't have to sit on the sidelines. I don't have to reserve these epic adventures, stories and memories. I can go and make my own. And you can too.

I'm realising that it's not about doing it after this, or when I'm this, or when this happens.

And it's not just reserved for other people.

We get to have our own adventures. We get to choose our own adventures.

And that feels pretty liberating to write for the first time.

And these adventures, these dreams? They're going to be different for each and every one of us.

And that's some pretty fucking epic shit right there.

So, take a bet on yourself, dare to believe in your dreams and chase them. And become a person who's autobiography you would love to read. Because deep down, you know what you want, and you can get there.

It takes a shitload of courage, but you can do it.

Let's do this together and commit to living the lives of our heroines, instead of writing them.

What Becoming Visible Has Taught Me

When I ran the New Year’s Revolution challenge at the start of the year, I set myself a challenge for 2016. And that was to become more visible. And share my many stories. For me that meant putting my whole self out there. Not hiding behind a screen or a mask, but showing up, as I am.

And that’s some tough scary shit. Because it’s really hard to meet yourself as you are and a) be okay with yourself and b) show that to the world.

For me, a big part of becoming visible meant sharing my whole story, not just the good bits; the bits that sound great on paper. But instead telling the whole thing. Messy bits, the ugly bits and the bits I’d change if I was re-writing it.

I’ve written a lot recently about sharing your story and it’s one of my core beliefs that the world needs to hear the messy, complicated, stories. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

While I was sick of hiding the complicated bits and things that didn’t make sense, I’ve been terrified to really show myself. 

And I know I’m not alone in this. So many of us are living this same struggle. And sometimes our logic isn’t rational, but it feels very real and serious to us.

I mean, I nearly didn’t start my podcast because I’m fat. How does that even make sense? I mean, what the fuck is that about?!

And I’ve been shy in sharing my own mental health struggles because I feared that it would discredit my ability to talk about wellbeing, overcoming burnout and living a wholehearted life. (This, I also learned, is bollocks).

So many of us who are fighting for a brighter, better world have struggles and don’t have our shit together. And like I’ve written before, no one wants real life advice from the person who claims that they never have and never will have problems because life is magical. In some ways, having problems makes us most qualified to do it.

But to me, at that time, showing up fully, with both the shit and giggles was a serious concern.

In this self help world of green smoothies and yoga at 5am, I had so many mixed feelings as showing up the way I am.

As a fat woman who struggles with her mental health , the world makes so many assumptions and I didn’t want that.

But I’d started to define myself by my struggles and not by my unique combination of skills and strengths or the passion that I have to make the world a brighter place.

And because I’d already figured out in my own head how people would react, (which FYI, didn’t come true. At all) I’d scared myself shitless about it.

But someway along the way, I realised that becoming visible wasn’t this horrible, scary thing that would mean the end to life as I knew it.

It was a lot like closing your eyes, squeezing your hands tightly together and blurting out what you’ve wanted to say for a while, then coming up to air and realising the world hasn’t ended.

It gave me life. It felt absolutely invigorating to actually put myself out there. To log into skype and have deep intimate conversations with women all over the world for my podcast was terrifying to begin with, but has quickly become one of my all time favourite things to do.

Launching a New Year’s Revolution email course was exciting and so refreshing. Jumping on Skype with people I’ve only known via email has only made our relationships better.

Instead of doing it for the sake of a challenge, putting myself out there actually became fun. I learned that as much as I tell myself otherwise to keep myself safe, I thrive on connecting with other like minded people. I absolutely love talking to people and getting to know their stories. I love showing up as my bright coloured self, being really honest and trying to make the world a better place.

And the last four months have taken me to some pretty amazing places.

I actually started the podcast I put off for so long and it has been even more beautiful than I ever could have dreamt of. Then I put it into the world with some radical honesty and interviewed the most incredible women, and The Couragemakers Podcast ended up in New & Noteworthy (say whaaaat?).

And I’ve enjoyed (enjoyed!) being interviewed for some other amazing podcasts. I shared my struggles with being in the entrepreneur world and my upcoming round the world adventure with VK the VA for her wonderful podcast Behind The Boss Mask and got seriously honest with Sarah Starrs about multipotentiality, the truth and myths behind lifestyle design and uninstagrammable self care on her Punk Rock Personal Development Podcast.

And to put the icing on the cake, I’ve become really open about my own mental health struggles and also really spoken out about my life as a fat woman with Rose Gold (which comes out on Thursday!)

And I’ve learned something huge through this experience:

Hiding yourself from the world not only does a great disservice to yourself, but it gives a great disservice to the world.

The world needs your story. The world needs more raw and honest stories. And you’ll be surprised just how not alone you are when you start sharing.

Like courage breeds courage, honest breeds honesty and stories breed stories.

Showing up as yourself, owning your own story is a radical thing to do, especially in this world where we’re told that only so many stories count.

Because your story does count, the same way as you matter.

You have so much to give the world. And you’re going to enjoy your life so much more where you can really step into your life and claim your spot on the stage.

Pep Talk: Stop Judging Yourself & Other People

This post was going to be something entirely different, but it turns out sometimes life happens and the story has to pan out before the main point becomes clear. Let me back up. I recently went to a 3 day country music festival and was in my absolute element. Seriously, if anything makes me feel like my heart is on fire and like I’m truly alive, it’s dancing, singing and foot stomping to my favourite songs. And that's exactly what I did. (Well, it wasn't quite that easy, but that's another post).

So it's coming to the last 3 songs of Carrie Underwood’s set and people are leaving. They're grabbing their bags, and heading out of the arena to avoid queues. (did I mention it was the most popular arena in the world?) And I'm thinking WHY?!

At this point, I've got an entire blog post written in my head ready to put on paper, about leaving before shit gets real, giving yourself excuses to miss the main event and missing out on epic parts of life because something more convenient came up. And I’m feeling pretty good about it.

Well. 

That was until the last night. When I had to leave early to make my last train and ended up missing out on the finale of Eric Church’s gig (cue sad face). And I thought holy shit:

A. I’m a hypocrite

B. Life isn't that fucking simple

I’d made all these presumptions about the people who had left the day before, and then it happened to me.

And it got me thinking a lot about how we judge other people without knowing their whole story and situation. Especially how we treat people when they don’t work to achieve their dreams in the way we’d approach them, or if they abandon their dreams.

When we’re in our own heads, it’s easy to make up stories and get on our dream chasing high horse, even if we’re not meaning to.

For most people, including me and you, chasing your dreams is really bloody complicated. There are SO many factors involved, there are so many different elements that go into making a decision, and choosing what path to follow.

And some elements aren’t chosen by us. Each of us have our own unique set of challenges.

We all have things in our lives that make it extremely difficult to get the work done, to find what it is we feel like we’re meant to do, and to follow our dreams.

And all of our challenges vary, and most of them are completely hidden, or at least not very obvious. (And it’s not up to us or for other people to make them completely visible.)

We don’t always have to explain ourselves to others. We’re allowed to struggle in the dark if we want to.

It may be that someone is paralysed by fear, that they don’t think they can see it all the way through. It may be that they’ve never finished anything and have yet to find the tools they need to get them over than final hurdle. Maybe they have children and balancing childcare and dream chasing is tough. Maybe they get 90% the way through and their budget is blown. Maybe the car breaks down and the savings went. Maybe they’re in poverty and savings were never an option. Perhaps someone became ill and priorities change. Perhaps the project was never serving them in the first place and they were doing it because of guilt. Maybe they have mental health problems and sometimes the biggest achievement of the day is managing to get out of bed. Maybe they have a having a chronic illness and are dealing with the daily struggles and ups and downs that comes with that. Or another one of the 986,746,735,361 other situations I could have thought up.

There are a billion reasons why people do things or don’t do things.

And you might be the most empathetic person in the world, but you’ll never know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes. 

Because you only have your own frame of reference to go by. And often, our individual frames of references can’t even begin to think of what it would look like for someone else. We make assumptions, we think about what we’d do if we were in that situation and even if our interests come from a really kind place, we end up judging.

Whatever our circumstances are, they’re all different.

And I think we can all relate this back to ourselves. 

We judge ourselves all the fucking time because we don’t take into account our own challenges.

Instead, we beat ourselves up, we tell ourselves we should be doing better and we call ourselves lazy. We convince ourselves we can’t follow things through, and wonder what the point was in the first place.

We become our own harshest critics, and then wonder why we can’t create, why we can’t follow our dreams when we’re in a place of complete self sabotage.

So this is your reminder to give yourself a break and give others a break. We won’t always know the rhyme or reason. We won’t always understand what motivates others or what stops them in their tracks. It’s hard enough to do that for ourselves

We all have challenges. And they’re complicated, messy and often uncomfortable.

Welcome to the joys of being a human.

I’d love to know what you’re doing to be kinder to yourself and how you’re giving yourself a break. Let me know in the comments!

What happens when you show up but you forget yourself?

You know when you have one of those days where you're trying to put milk in the kitchen drawer and peanut butter in the fridge? Today is one of those days. This morning, I found myself completely puzzled as to why my tea wasn't turning brown to only realise that I was pouring hot water into an empty cup.

And it really made me think.

When we get tired and we need a break, these are the silly things we end up doing. We end up doing things out of muscle memory, but our brains are too tired that we end up getting it wrong.

And I think there's a lot in here to unravel about how we do the work we feel we were meant to do, and our own creativity. 

And how our work shows up and how we show up when we’re frazzled, overwhelmed and out of sorts. Because sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need to stand back, do something passive like binge watch Netflix and just give our brains some time to chill. the. fuck. out.

But sometimes, you expect yourself to produce the same work as if you’ve had a week’s break and taken some time to re-charge - but you haven’t.

It’s like pouring into a cup without a teabag and expecting it to turn to tea and getting angry with yourself when it doesn’t.

The work we’re called to do, and all of the creative things we do, they don’t just show up. We spend so long trying to find them, and when they do, we often end up so burnt out because we’re so caught up in this cycle of being good enough, feeling responsible and being hard on ourselves that we produce things we’re not proud of and end up blaming ourselves.

But here’s the thing. If we’re showing up exhausted and we’re showing up completely frazzled then of course we’re missing the key ingredient. Of course the water isn’t going to turn brown and the tea leaves aren’t going to diffuse.

That makes logical sense.

Yet we blame ourselves and beat ourselves up like we’ve just committed some huge crime. Then we tell ourselves we’re not good enough and end up down that rabbit hole, and by the time we’ve finished, end up feeling like crap and trying to work harder as if we have to prove something to ourselves.

There’s a song I love by Kacey Musgraves, and in the chorus she sings:

“You can't be everybody's cup of tea

Some like the bitter, some the sweet

Nobody's everybody's favorite

So you might as well just make it how you please”

And I think we’re getting stuck even before we’ve started to make the tea.

Because when we don’t look after ourselves and end up working for work’s sake, we’re not creating a space to even make it.

We just assume that we have to make that cup of tea and it has to turn out beautiful, no matter how we started.

But that isn’t how it works.

Not that I’ve got it completely figured out. Of course I haven’t.

But what I’m learning is that you need that teabag. Chances are you already have the boiling water or whatever equipment you need to make your work. Whether it’s a laptop, paints, paper, wood, whatever.

But you need that tea. You need that thing that brings it all together and makes the magic happen.

And that, by the way, is you. The skills you bring to the table, your perspective, your unique combination of strengths. Your stories, your experience, your ability to tell a story and paint the picture.

The magic is never going to happen if you forget you. And you get lost in a crazy frantic pace of life and you don’t take time to sit and give your brain a bit of a vacation.

We all get stuck in that land where we forget ourselves, of course we do. The important thing is coming to recognise it and doing something about it.

For me, today that looks like not judging myself for lying on my bed and watching Jane the Virgin for the whole day. It looks like finding the Headspace app and trying to slow down my thoughts and my continually playing to-do list in my mind.

And that’s going to look completely different to yours.

Because isn’t that the whole point in all of this anyway? We’re bringing things to the world that come as a result of our direct experiences, our own skill sets and our own strengths combination that only we can bring.

So I think you’ll agree with me, that’s something worth treasuring, right?

Do something today to remember you. Because you are worth more than your to-do list and all the things you feel you have to do today.

I’d love to know what you do to remember yourself and what you need to produce the work you love! Let me know in the comments!

Challenge: Admit your dreams to yourself

Dream chasing is a funny thing. The term gets bounded around like there’s nothing easier in the world. Yet we don’t really speak about our dreams. Often not even to ourselves. We may have our vision boards in Pinterest (stay tuned for an upcoming post on using Pinterest to create your Vision Board), we may roughly have a few goals written down, but they’re somehow distant and in that land of ‘somewhere, someday’.

(Or we’re told to just wait and they’ll appear, so we sit and wait for them to happen. But that’s a rant for another day.)

I think it's one thing talking about telling other people your dreams, but sometimes it's just as scary admitting our dreams to ourselves.

And sometimes we don’t even acknowledge our dreams.  Or they're resigned to the page of a beautiful notebook that we're too scared to write in. They’re too overwhelming. Or we’ve convinced ourselves we would fail or it wouldn’t work out even before we’ve started thinking about them properly.

But sometimes they force themselves up from where we’ve been hiding them.

And they come out in a rage of bravery, when we're feeling on top of the world and everything feels possible. This happens when we allow ourselves to really dream big for a second and our inner critic goes away long enough to let us go to places we're usually too scared to go.

And that feeling doesn’t usually last too long.

But it’s crazy exciting when we get to that place, but it’s also terrifying. It’s like admitting that we have to act on them, that we need to find a way to handle our inner critic(s) and shit does get real.

And they’re actually possible. *Gulps*

I only started writing down my actual real-life-shit-this-could-happen-fuck-me-this-is-scary dreams down recently.

And it took guts.

Real fucking guts.

It was scary.

I was led there on my bed at 1am, almost paranoid that the world was judging me. I might as well have put my arm around what I was writing like a primary school child who doesn’t want to be copied on a test.

I didn’t realise my dreams were as big as there were. I’d never taken the time to actually write them down, and like what usually happens when we put pen to paper, they developed. They became more lucid. They became concrete things to work towards. And in that moment, they actually felt achievable. They felt like they were something legit I could work towards.

That was 1am in the morning when I was feeling inspired and the courage was raging.

And since then I’ve thought about them in a whole variety of moods. And they’ve felt unrealistic, unachievable, absolutely within my reach if I work hard enough, possible, stupid and everything inbetween.

What would happen if we all spoke about our dreams?

This dream chasing stuff is scary shit. Don’t get fooled by all the pretty pictures into thinking that it’s not.

Because it is really scary when you come face to face with something you really want. Our minds are so programmed to think about how we would deal with failure and things going wrong that we don’t often go to that place. We don’t go to the place where we actually envision it happening.

But I’m working on it. I’m working on finding creative ways to display my dreams around me so they become the new normal, and an actual real life goal instead of this mini-fantasy film in my head. (I’ll share them with you as I find them).

So this week I have a dare for you. And that dare is to join me.

Create a space for yourself that feels safe. Do it on your own in the dead of night or in the hustle and bustle of a busy coffee shop.

Write your dreams on a post it note. Forget the beautiful notebook for now - just get them down. And don’t judge yourself.

Put on earphones or your headphones with music that makes you feel alive and let yourself daydream. Give yourself five judgement free minutes and play around with those two powerful words ‘What If?’

And then put the post-it somewhere you’re going to look at it. This could be in your purse, it could be on your bookshelf, it could be a note in Evernote on your phone.

Let it become the new normal.

We can do this.

On Dream-chasing: What would the world look like if we all spoke about our dreams?

How many people know your inner-most dreams?Not the ones that sound good when you're meeting new people, or the half-beat ones you tell your family. But the ones that you struggle to barely whisper to yourself. The ones you're too scared to say out loud.

The ones that sometimes you're too afraid to tell yourself. (If you don't know what these are, stay tuned for Thursday's post where I'm talking all about discovering and realising those dreams). 

I'm guessing hardly any, right? And that's true for most people.

We all go along, trying to chase whatever desires we have like it's no big deal, and shrug it off. And we don't talk about it in the office, in the supermarket, in the shopping mall, sometimes in our own homes. Instead, those conversations often only happen deep inside our heads in the middle of the night and often, with no one.

And when we do share them, they’re framed as goals. Socially acceptable goals - goals that people won’t laugh at you for, goals that are achievable so you don’t feel like a failure if they don’t work out (notice how we always plan for failure but never success?) and goals that fit in with the norm.

I find myself doing the same.

Sharing your dreams takes a shitload of bravery, just like creating something and putting it out there in the world does.

But for me, there's nothing more empowering than being with women who aren't only telling people their dreams, but sharing their journeys. The ups, the down, the whole lot. (If you’re craving this, check out The Couragemakers Podcast!).

Because we don’t have enough role models in this area. We don’t have enough women standing up, declaring their dreams, sharing their successes and failures while admitting it is some tough shit.

But sometimes you just have to go out on a branch, as Todd Henry would say, and fly the flag for yourself. And hope that in doing that, you’re inspiring someone else to do the same.

Because what is life if we’re all going to be so fucking polite about our dreams and desires?

If we never admit them, life becomes this ridiculous facade where everyone is too concerned about what other people think about them to take a risk.

Life becomes the grand total of to-do lists, paying bills, keeping up with the Joneses and the other bullshit all that entails. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in a world like that.

So today, I want to leave a question:

What would the world look like if we all spoke about our dreams like the valid things they are?

Imagine for a second if people's dreams were used as their descriptors! So instead of Anne from IT, it would be Anne who dreams of owning a farm and having a sustainable and ethical jewellery business. Imagine how much it would tell us about each other, instead of the bullshit snippets we hear that say a grand total of zero.

And if that sounds a bit bloody ridiculous to you, then think how ridiculous it is that we don’t really know the people we work with, the people closest to us and how we subdue our dreams to protect ourselves.

My challenge for you this week is to go out on a limb and take a chance on yourself. Tell someone you know something you dream of that they don’t know.

It might feel uncomfortable (most of the important things in life do).

But I’d imagine you’ll be surprised by the support. And the connections.

Because going back to Anne in IT. What if in telling people about her ambitions, discovers that Molly in finance has a successful Etsy shop and is happy to help?

Give yourself the gift of telling someone you love about a dream you have. Because you never know who is willing to help, who can help you, and the connections you’ll make when you do.

Let go of that facade and hedge a bet on yourself.

And you never know, maybe it might even add a spring in your step.

(And for the people who just don't get it and are never going to be supportive, check out How to Deal with Dreamshitters).

I'd love to know in the comments how you think your life could change if you told other people your dreams.

Introducing The Couragemakers Podcast

In extremely exciting news, The Couragemakers Podcast launched this week! And it has blown my mind. I started Couragemakers because I wanted to speak to women all over the world, women like you and me - mission driven doers, makers and world shakers, about their dreams, their stories, and get really vulnerable and courageous about what sets them on fire as well as the monsters that hide under their beds.

Because putting stuff in the world takes a shitload of courage, and sometimes it feels like a lonely and scary place.

And I wanted to start a movement (download the beautiful manifesto here).  A movement of women choosing ourselves, owning and sharing our stories, and embracing and celebrating our every day courage.

I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying the experience, how much I have been blown away by the conversations I've had. How honest they've been, how inspiring every woman I've spoken to has been, and how willing they are to share their stories to help others.

This has been such a journey for me. Going from a job that sucked the soul out of me, left me feeling a shell of the person I once was, and feeling like I had nothing to give to the world, to THIS - it's amazing. I feel like I'm using my strengths and skills to put the great shit into the world I was meant to. It's been vulnerable as hell, but seriously, I am enjoying every second of it. (Well, perhaps not when the editing goes wrong, or the mic plays up... but you get what I mean.) 

I even released a prequel where I got SERIOUSLY vulnerable and honest about my vision for the podcast and why I started the podcast. 

If you haven't checked out the podcast and you're a mission-driven doer, maker or world shaker, I think you're going to really enjoy the honest and vulnerable conversations we're having.

If you want to subscribe on iTunes click here.

If you use Android, click here.

And because I'm all about celebrating the shit out of your wins, here's how the Couragemakers has gone down this week. (Eg. This is really surreal, and holy shit this is fantastic!)

The reactions and support have been AMAZING:

Finally getting started on the brand new #Couragemakers Podcast today! @megkissack Because I could always use more inspiration

— Ashley Lorelle (@ash_lorelle) March 2, 2016

Loving the #Couragemakers manifesto by @megkissack - now displayed behind my computer to remind me what's important pic.twitter.com/5GzllRMsIN

— Kate (@iamkateevans) March 2, 2016

If you haven't checked out @megkissack's podcast get you are missing out my friend. https://t.co/WhZg2d9W6G

— Melissa Hebbe (@melissahebbe) March 3, 2016

@megkissack Found your blog this week and have been bingelistening to your podcast, Meg! I'd love to take part in your twitter chat :)

— Wendy (@TheGratefulist) March 3, 2016

Congrats @megkissack on the launch of The CourageMakers Podcast today! Go listen, it's amazing & Meg is lovely! https://t.co/MejbpvRD9n

— Michelle Anneliese (@manneliesemedia) February 29, 2016

New #Podcast launched #Couragemaker by @megkissack Important and inspiring conversations. Cheer up this rainy day and listen to it.

— AnabelRoqueRodriguez (@anabelroro) February 29, 2016

Literally cried reading @megkissack's Couragemakers Manifesto. Want to know how I feel about life? Read it! https://t.co/kuqvTOAmko

— Maria Northcott (@asweetstart) February 29, 2016

Umm, New & Noteworthy in iTunes?

AHHHH!!

Screen Shot 2016-03-03 at 21.30.13

My aim right now is to spread this podcast to every woman that needs it. I'm doing this by trying to get it into the top 16 of iTunes New & Noteworthy. If it gets into that exclusive spot, then it will be seen by literally millions of people. Think how many people we could inspire through that! If you want to help get it out to the world in a BIG way, leave a review/rating on iTunes and subscribe following this link here! 

And this came from a woman who thought she might be able to make something kind of cool and put it off for a year because she didn't have the confidence, was being scared of being visible and didn't like the sound of her own voice.

Here's to courage and spreading it like fucking wildfire.

Photo on 04-02-2016 at 14.25

Why You Need To Stop Reinventing Yourself (and why it's a good thing)

This is the start of a brand new chapter. 

This is a new beginning.

I’m starting my life over.

The new me begins today.

I’ve thought all of those things on lots and lots of occasions. And you know what? It’s never worked out for me. It has lasted maybe two days, and I’ve slipped, ended up feeling like shit and giving up.

Examples? Hell yes!

When I was 12, I would bulk print out all these healthy eating and confidence articles from the internet. And I would make a decision. I would start that day and would decide to be a healthy confident person. It would be a new beginning! (Didn’t work - just a lot of wasted trees unfortunately).

I went to see Mean Girls in the cinema and decided that the next day, I would be a hot version of myself and that I could have that summer camp transformation (you know that myth that in a period of six weeks, a girl grows perfectly rounded breasts, perfect hair and clear skin?) overnight. Overnight! It would be a new beginning! (Didn’t work, and now I have a much deeper appreciation of the irony in all this. I mean, I think I missed the point of the film the first time, right?!)

I started an adult job and bought a really nice bag, a professional organiser and heels. And black trousers. TROUSERS. I mean, who the fuck was I kidding?! I wanted to be a professional woman with a proper job. That’s one thing - this fantasy of me looking like I ate the Cosmo Bible for work clothes, however is quite another thing. I’m never going to look like I belong in Sex and the City, and I’d never want to.

And I’ve done the same things for morning routines, creative routines, and countless healthy eating things and other shit like that. And they’ve never worked.

I wanted to to swish my wand and erase the person I was in favour of this more attractive, more organised, more everything version of myself.

I wasn’t opening a new chapter. I didn't even want a new chapter. I wanted a new fucking book.

I wanted to become this completely different person, with new habits, new patterns and new everything.

permission to try

And while it wasn’t obvious at the time (like most things aren’t),  I was trying to change from a place of self loathing. And I was completely willing to deny the way I work, my quirks any past experiences.

And it took a long time to realise this, but it’s since I realised that the person I’ve been my whole life is still going to be there for new adventures and new experiences that things started to change. That new chapters are new chapters, and I’m way more focused on finding joy as myself, being present for new experiences and finding fun and creative ways to do everyday things.

I’m always going to be the person who has a tendency to do things last minute, to cram wayyy too much in any bag, to burst into song whenever the radio comes on, and have flyaway hair. Sure, I can find new ways of doing things, learn organisational skills, practice better time keeping, but I can’t just erase parts of me that have been that way since I can remember.

I’m always going to be dressed bright with clothes that don’t match. I’m always going to favour dry hair shampoo and an extra twenty minutes in bed. My jewellery is never going to be dainty and I’m never going to someone who’s described as graceful and quiet.

And now I wouldn’t change that for the world. But it’s taken one hell of a journey, a bucket load of self loathing and a whole lot of kindness to myself to get here.

I would perhaps change losing important post-it notes and running round the house like a Sim on fire when I got caught up singing in the shower and running late.  (Bonus secret: When I was in high school, one of my favourite things to do was to pretend to be a Sim on fire. Serious fun, right there!)

But I digress.

If you spend all of your time running towards this mythical version of yourself, the main theme of your book is going to be someone hating themselves so much the plot got lost and there wasn’t much of a story.

And you’re going to get sick of re-writing the same chapter.

Whatever shit has happened in your life, whatever you see when you look in the mirror and however other people see you - you’re you. You got yourself this far. Not the marathon, carrot eating version of yourself. Nor the bestselling author version of yourself. Not You Version 2.0, but you now.

You’ve had your own back and you’ve survived things you thought you wouldn’t.

And that’s something to be really fucking proud of you.

The past is what builds us. While there are things we would take back, experiences we would choose not to re-live, and decisions we would change, all of those things make up your foundations. You can change because of them, you can decide to live a completely different life, create your own family, you can decide to move somewhere where nobody knows you.

But you can’t run from yourself and you can’t just define yourself by things that happened in the past. The person you are right now is a culmination of all your life experiences. You’re still in the same book. There are new roads you can take, new chapters in your book, but you can’t just up and move yourself out of your own story.

And it might take a while but there’s going to be a time where you realise you can’t just change the entire book.  And learn to be okay with that.

The people you help, the work you put in the world, the conversations you have, the flecks of sunshine you leave wherever you go - they’re put there by the person who lived all of those things and had all those quirks.

Being yourself can be one of the bravest things you can do, and it’s a lifelong journey. So you might as well make it a fun one.

You’re not Brené Brown, but you’ve still got a story

I just want to start by saying that I love Brené Brown. I’ve watched the TED talks, bought the books, didn’t buy the t-shirt because it was too expensive.And I love the ‘others’ too - you know who I mean. The big name people talking about big ideas and concepts in profound way.

I find them inspiring, their work definitely influences my work, and I love travelling or sitting in a coffee shop with Audible on, listening to their latest books.

But I think there’s been a shift.

There’s been a shift, in that if you’re thinking about, writing about or wanting a quote about vulnerability or shame, you google Brené Brown. If you want inspiration about creativity - you turn to Elizabeth Gilbert.

The great part is that vulnerability, creativity, shame and fear have become part of normal conversations.

The not so great part? It’s like we’ve stopped turning to our own stories, and our own narratives.

I get that there are experts in any industry and there are always people leading the field, but I think experts have been put on a pedestal so much that we’re forgetting ourselves and the contribution we have to make.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder how helpful it is, that when we’re talking about huge, subjective, personal topics,  we immediately turn to the 'experts' instead of turning to ourselves, and the people in our own lives.

The way I see it, if you’re reading this right now, if you’re a human, you’re just as much an expert on vulnerability, shame, creativity, fear as anyone who might have a New York Times Bestseller.

All of our human experiences guarantee that.

And we’ve all found our own unique strategies and tools, our own memories, and experiences where they’ve come into play. And we all have our own stories, our own ah-ha moments, and our own ways we can help ourselves and others. 

And my fear that we're not turning to ourselves only increased when I started The Couragemakers Podcast. I started my podcast because I wanted to talk to everyday couragemakers about everyday courage. To have honest conversations with mission driven doers, makers and world shakers that might not necessarily be featured on Huffington Post, have written their own book or given a TED Talk.

I wanted to hear the stories of women all around the world who are using their own experiences, and their own strengths and values to put good shit into the world and make the world a brighter place than how we found it.

And believe me, I have. And the episodes are AMAZING. And the women? They are fucking phenomenal.

But when I started to reach out to women I knew, women who encourage and ispire me,  I started seeing a pattern emerging their responses. Their answers started with ‘I’d absolutely love to…” and finished with:

“When I’ve done more”

“When I’m at that level”

“But I don’t think I’m very interesting”

“But I don’t think I have anything to say”

It’s like we’ve all got used to only hearing successful, well regarded people on podcasts, listening to people who have given TED Talks, and only watching the people who look like they have it all.

And in the process, we’re silencing ourselves. We’re getting trapped in the ‘I’m not good enoughs’ and ‘I’m not important enoughs.' I’m truly devastated by the fact that there are people who don’t feel important enough to think they even have a story.

photo-1436407886995-41f8f5ee43ad

Let me tell you - for every single interview I record, I am absolutely blown away. Blown away by the stories, by the courage and by the joy of sharing stories that are untold.

Most of all, I’m blown away by the fact that we all have so many different stories. For each guest, I know the interview could go a thousand different ways, depending on which part of their story or their lives we’re focusing on.

Because when it comes to vulnerability, fear, creativity, hope, wholeheartedness, bravery, anything - we've all got enough stories to stock that beautiful bookshop in You've Got Mailthree times over. 

And when people are asked about their lives, their struggles and what inspires them, they come out with stories and advice that are just as share-worthy and Pinterest board worthy as Brené Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert:

Asking for help is one of the best things you could do for your life. And letting people know life is a mess and life is really messy and it’s okay becauese we all are messy and nobody has it together -- Jordan Gage

Find something new you want to try and do it. That’s a gift to yourself -- Amber Thomas

Being a courage maker is when your inner light is stronger than the light out there -- Violeta Nedkova

We've all got our own narratives.

We've all got our own stories to tell. We each have a back catalogue of real life experiences. We each have our Greatest Hits and also that obscure album that no one's really listened to.

Trust yourself and stop googling, or believing that the experts can say what you're thinking, or your ideas better than yourself.

Because they can't.

** The Couragemakers Podcast will be released on 29th February. You can keep up to date with all the episodes here.

EPIC POST: What to do when you lose all your enthusiasm

At times, there can be nothing scarier than losing your enthusiasm. Losing your enthusiasm for life, losing enthusiasm for passion projects that you were once so excited about, losing your enthusiasm for your dreams. Believe me, I've been there and it feels like a seriously lonely place. Enthusiasm is a massive driver for me, and it feels so scary when I lose it, because suddenly things stop making sense like they used to.

Things that I once loved doing cease to exist and things I had enthusiasm for become these unspeakable things that I simultaneously try not to think about, and obsess over how I can get back.

It's a lot like grieving. It's a lot like saying a heartfelt goodbye, not knowing when you're going to see it again. It's a lot like the world has been pulled from under your feet, and you've lost your place in the world.

I know what it's like to have so little enthusiasm it's hard to find a reason to get out of bed. And I've had plenty of days where taking a shower feels as possible as flying to the moon on a lime green marshmallow. In this post, I'm going to share some questions  and some practical things that might really help if you're feeling like you've lost all your enthusiasm. All these things have really made a difference for me.

The Questions

While, like many things in life, there isn't a rhyme or reason, it's sometimes worth pondering over these questions to explore why your enthusiasm seems to have up and left you.

1. Has the voice of self doubt taken over?

Who are YOU to think you can do it? You'll never succeed. (Insert successful person's name) is so much better than you. This is never going to work out. Who do you think you are? Don't be so stupid.

That, right there, is the voice of my self doubt. The internal critic that sits in my head, feeding me toxic waste, and trying to do everything she can to stop me in my tracks, believing that I'm not enough, that I'm not smart enough, and that I should just give up.

The thing about our internal critic (we've all got one) is that they have one job to do. And that's to keep you safe. Keep you from taking risks, doing something that might not work out or trying anything without a certain outcome. And your internal critic? She's going to say whatever she has to in order to make you stop. Truth doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's all bullshit. Your internal critic only cares as long as it stops you from doing perceived dangerous things, and keeps you safe.

If this sounds like what's going on for you right now, I really do encourage you to do several things:

• Read Tara Mohr's Playing Big Or listen to this podcast episode

• Write a list of every little thing you've done that you're proud of

• Right now, think of 3 ways you've defied odds

• Thank your critic and tell them that you've got this and they can leave now

• And if you're struggling with something creative, check out Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic. It's got some gems in there. She's also got a great podcast which is a good alternative to her book.

2. Did expectations get higher?

Joy seeps out of my body when I start setting high (read: unrealistic) expectations. There is nothing wrong with wanting to write a New York Time Bestseller. But in a week?! That's when things start to get messy. Let's look at this logically - if you're putting so much pressure on yourself to do something, you're not going to want to do it. The F word is going to come out to play. Yep, I said it - failure. You're going to get so scared of letting yourself down (because that's the person we always fear letting down the most) and not meeting our expectations, that previous joyful things become BIG ISSUES.

For me, when I get caught up in all of this, I try to remember my why. Why did I start it? What motivates me? What keeps me coming back to it?

Write your answer on a postit note and look at it regularly.

3. Did you get what you came for?

When I first stumbled on multipotentiality, I felt like I'd won the lottery. When I started reading Barbara Sher's Refuse to Choose, I started to realise that when you have many passions, it's normal to feel overwhelmed and like there's never enough time. I also learned a huge lesson which is that sometimes we lose enthusiasm because we got what we came for. Say you're an ideas person but hate planning finite detailed plans - when a project goes past the ideas stage, it makes sense that you'll lose some/all enthusiasm. This is why it can help collaborating with someone who loves the bits you don't.

Sometimes you lose enthusiasm because you've taken all the joy you can and you feel done with it. Don't beat yourself up - be glad about what happened and move on. If you're a fellow multipotentialite, and you're willing to give yourself a break, I'm sure it's not going to take long for the next project to show up.

In the meantime, check out these great articles on Puttylike (the best resource for multipotentialites!)

• Why you shouldn't finish what you start

• When you shouldn't quit

• How to stop feeling guilty about new interests

4. Is it time you let it go?

Seriously, I've been there. As an activist who burned out pretty damn hard, I know what it's like to lose enthusiasm, yet feel like you should grip onto any last remaining bit of passion with everything you have. I also know what it's like to work through the loss of enthusiasm, forcing yourself to do things that your heart isn't in anymore, and ending up ill because of it.

Letting go of things you once had a world of enthusiasm for is really fucking hard. You're left with feeling like somehow you didn't do a good enough job, you weren't good enough, you weren't cut out for it, you weren't committed enough, you could have done MORE. But sister? If you're anything like me, you did everything. You did enough.

What To Do When You Lose All Your Enthusiasm

It just doesn't serve you anymore. And that's a hard thing to admit. But once you can? Then there's a whole world of possibilities out there. And the world can wait until you feel up to it. And yeah, of course it's scary (what if this happens again?! I hear you ask). But that's when true bravery comes into it. Going all in anyway. 'Daring greatly' as Brene Brown would say.

There can also be nothing braver than believing that your enthusiasm still exists, and it will return.

And if you can grab that courage and hold onto it like the last Lindt chocolate in the world, then you can start to look towards a bright future.

Some things you could try are:

• Go back to the things you loved doing as a child - they often hold the key to a whole abundance of joy

• Write about it. Journal about it. Get your feelings out. Writing sorts out so much head-mess, chances you'll finish with a deeper understanding of what's going on for you right now

• Really embrace play and do things just for fun. Follow your curiosity. (Elizabeth Gilbert recently did a fantastic interview on following your curiosity instead of your passions. I think it might be right up your street).

But sometimes, trying to find the answer, spending time pondering over questions just isn't going to cut it.

THE PRACTICAL SHIT

Sometimes that's going to make it plain worse, and you know yourself the best - you know when that might be the case. If that's the case for you right now, try these on for size.

Make a Pick Me Up Box

This is one of the first things I did for myself when I got really ill. I was struggling with depression, anxiety and my zest for life had vanished. When you lose enthusiasm and your zest for life, it can become really hard to make decisions, and you can literally sit there, trying to figure out what to do for hours or days.

A Pick Me Up box goes a long way to getting you out of the cycle of sitting there. You fill a box with pieces of paper with things that you can do that will inspire you, distract you, energise you, and with pieces of paper with quotes on them. When you're in that place, go to the box and let is make a decision for you. You can find a very easy 4 step tutorial I wrote right here.

Give yourself a break

One thing that's taken me a tonne of shit experiences to learn is that the time when I feel like I can't take a break is the time I should be taking a break. Sometimes we just go so hard at it, and wonder why it's not working, and we just need to STOP.

A break and time away provides:

• Fresh perspectives

• Escapism

• Time for your body and mind to get some much needed rest

• A chance to connect - with nature, with friends, with pets, with fictional characters

• An opportunity for new ideas to develop

• The space you need to evaluate things properly and make thought out decisions

Take a break now. Plan a break. Give yourself some time. And don't feel selfish or guilty for doing it - this is what you'd tell your best friend to do, right? (And you don't have to plan some exotic break. Lying in your bed with a box of chocolates and Homeland is perfectly acceptable, if not downright encouraged in my book!)

Go cold turkey

This might sound a bit ridiculous but stay with me, okay?  Work and passions can be addictive. If you know something isn't serving you, and is probably the root cause of your lack of enthusiasm, try and cut down on it. Or go cold turkey.

That can include distancing yourself from things that hurt.

Real life example from my own life: For now, I avoid any form of activism. I don't go to demos or marches. I'm not involved in activist groups. None of it. Why? Because right now as I'm trying to distance myself from things I know have caused so much pain in my life, I know it would hurt too much. It would be a reminder of who I was versus who I am now, it would make me even more bitter at people and experiences that slowly drained me. By keeping away, I protect my own sanity and I'm spending time exploring other things I previously wouldn't have. And life's become pretty damn interesting! (I'm starting a podcast, for one thing!)

This might be easier said than done if it's a work thing that's making you feel this way. If that is the case, start considering other careers. Talk to people you love and trust about the things they think you would rock at that you might not have thought of. There is always a way out. And if you feel really trapped in your job and like there's no way out, read this.  (No really, read it). Sometimes you just can't see all of the options available to you when you're in that dark place.

Tips for going cold turkey:

• Tell someone and ask them for loving encouragement and to check in with you from time to time

• Don't say yes to things immediately. Take some time to make decisions based on your own sanity and your own wellbeing. This may be tough at first, but when it becomes a practice, you start making decisions from a place of love, not fear, and that's always a good thing!

• Give yourself a deadline to evaluate how it's been going cold turkey. Take an honest look at your life and see if anything has changed of the better.

Recognise the truth

With a loss of enthusiasm, can come a loss of confidence. And that shit is hard.

But here's the thing. If the most energy you have right now is pressing play on Netflix, that's okay. Because you have skills, you have strengths, and you have a personality unique to you, that when combined, makes you a pretty hardcore genius and wonderful person. And you don't have to be on fire all the time.

Whether you feel like you've lost your confidence, or things have been taken away from you, spend some time getting to know your skills and strengths. A couple of ways you can do this are:

• Take the Fascination Advantage test and see how the world sees you

• Take the Strength Finder Test (this costs about $20 but it is seriously worth it

• Start a little book of compliments, and every time someone says something nice to you or about you, write it down. And try and look over it every week.

• Do something just for fun that involves your skills. Give yourself permission to do whatever you like, and just play.

Surround yourself with inspiration

I find a hell of a lot of my motivation by surrounding myself with inspiration. And this can be virtual as well as real life. When I was in the job I hated, I would listen to The Good Life Project and The Lively Show for my entire commute. I didn't know anyone else who had decided to live life on their own terms in real life, but the guests on these podcast showed me opportunities, ways of living beyond my own bubble. (It's also why I've decided to start my own podcast).

And the great thing about surrounding yourself with people who inspire you? It starts to become the norm. And for me, that was the biggest motivation in making huge changes in my life. By spending my time listening to people who had taken risks, who were living unconventional lives and doing it for themselves, it became something that was tangible. It became my new norm. 

• Amber Thomas recently wrote a fantastic guest post on That Hummingbird Life, about how consumption can influence our creativity. Give it a read and start your own experiment.

• Surround yourself with passionate people. Or spend a day reading every post on the Live Your Legend blog!

• Write a list of things that inspire you, and for each thing, find a way to incorporate them into your daily life. Here's something I made that sits above my desk and inspires me every day:

Do nothing

Chances are, that if you're all out of enthusiasm, you're also pretty exhausted. Sometimes the most important thing you can do is rest. And by rest I mean listen to you body and do what it needs. If you need to sleep all day, sleep all day. If you're craving a nice hearty meal, go cook yourself something tasty. Don't focus on being productive, but instead just rest.

Your body needs rest. It's not lazy. It's absolutely essential. Give yourself opportunity to rest and you might just find enthusiasm creeping back up on you when you least expect it.

Trust

This is perhaps the hardest one, but the one that is going to have the most profound effect on your life. And that's to trust that everything will be okay, that your enthusiasm will return and things won't always be this hard.

Things might be hard as hell right now but they won't always be. How things will work out is a mystery, but they will work out, somehow. You've got yourself this far - have a little faith in yourself.

Finally, some reminders:

• Your enthusiasm will return. It might come in a different form, but it will return.
  

• Taking a break is important. It's not selfish or lazy, it's essential.
  

• You are more than a sum of your actions
  

• The world will is still turning and you will find the right rhythm and dance for you
  

• You are one fucking amazing person, and you have a lot to be proud of.

I hope this has helped you in some way, and I hope at the very least, you feel less alone. I know everything feels scary right now, so be kind and gentle with yourself. You're dealing with some really hard shit, so try to give yourself as much compassion as you can.

You've got this my love, you really have. You know more than you think you do, and you have everything you need inside you <3. I know that might sound like utter bollocks right now, but you just need to trust that. And if you feel alone, there's a whole bunch of like-minded women sharing their stories over on The Couragemakers Podcast.

I would love to know your experiences in the comments, or send me an email at meg [at] thathummingbirdlife [dot] com) if you prefer :)

Like what you just read?  Every Sunday I send a free weekly Pep Talks to hundreds of like-minded Couragemakers packed full of more encouragement than you can shake a stick at. Click here to find out more and join us!

Can We Stop Arguing Over the Word Authentic?

What is authentic? What is authenticity? How do I know if I’m being authentic? Is that person really authentic?

Ahh. So much noise.

And I’ve been here before. I remember being a part of my local feminist network as a student, being part of an activist movement as part of my career and being part of community groups.

Everyone starts wide-eyed and optimistic. We’d talk about things we could do to make the world a better place. We’d start with big dreams, ridiculously innovative ways of making them into reality, and hope.

Well, that was until the debates started. Debates over semantics, deliberating over terminology and turning in and fighting ourselves, instead of the bullshit world that put us all together in the same room in the first place.

One day, instead of talking about doing things, it became talking about talking.

And the important stuff? It became much less important. It got too academic, too removed from reality and for me? WAY too much bullshit.

The important stuff disappeared from the conversation entirely.

That’s exactly how I see so many conversations turning online. What is authentic? What’s the actual definition of vulnerability? And who has the right to be the voice on the subject? Shouldn’t words like authentic and passionate be banned because it’s so over-used?

It’s like we need to agree on a dictionary definition and find a general consensus like a herd of sheep before we can even start to move forward. Like we need to find an ‘approved’ list of terminology for conceptual ideas, and strategically use them (but not too much) at the right time and place for the right meaning.

I mean, come on.

Can we just, for once, instead of fighting and turning inwards, celebrate the fact that there is a space in the world, amid all of the corruption, injustice and suffering, where people are living according to their values, having discussions about those values and living an honest life? And trying to make the world a brighter place.

And a space where we’re even able to have the discussions in the first place?

Can we celebrate the fact that authenticity, honesty, vulnerability, courage, ALL of it is going to look different to everyone based on our life experiences, and appreciate that?

What is authentic for me, won’t be authentic for you. What’s real for me won’t be real for you. My story is going to look different from your story. My truths are different from your truths. There are going to be similarities, there are going to be sticking points, but there are always going to be differences.

So, can we just agree to each have our own definition? And celebrate the shit out of that?

Isn’t that the whole fucking point?

We’re going to be over analysing until we forget the important things. And the shit we’re talking about? It IS important.

So many times, movements, discussions and world changing conversations are completely tripped up over power struggles, a need to be right and nitpicky arguments about semantics. This isn’t just about the word authenticity, you know this as well as me. It’s about the language of any movement or any value system that tries to put good shit in the world.

Let’s put an end to this and call it quits and get down to the really important stuff.

Yes?

I'd love to hear your views and experiences in the comments below!

You are enough!

You are enough. Everything that you've done, everything that you've been through - they make up a story of who you are, sat here, right now reading this.

Some of those things will have been great, some of those things will have been downright shit, but they make up the person you are right now at this moment.

And let me tell you - you are a fucking amazing person who has so much to give to the world.

You're not regular Joe from the status quo. You don't live your life with a fill in the blank narrative - you're choosing your own path and you're hitting the ball out of the park. And that is brave, really brave.

And sometimes people are going to criticise you. They're gonna try to shit on your dreams because they don't understand you and they think they know better and what's in your best interest. But they don't.  Because you and only you, are the only one certified to write the bible of your life. You have more wisdom than you know and you are able to make good decisions.

You don't need to change who you are. You really don't. Anyone who says you do has their own agenda - one that benefits them and doesn't benefit you. You can either spend your whole life trying to change who you are and feeling like you'll never be enough, or you can try believing that you're enough and start living a life from that place instead.

You don't need to do what's expected of you. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to life - you get to do it your way and light that beacon of nonconformity to other people. And sometimes life isn't going to go the way you plan, and sometimes there's going to be bad bits. But we all have bad bits, and sometimes sharing your bad bits with other people is going to make them feel less alone, and let them see that they too are enough.

It's your life - you get to create your own adventures. You get to make your own stories and you get to be the central character. And you're a pretty awesome heroine. (But I think you know that already...)

You are enough, and you matter.

DIY Pick Me Up Box Tutorial

Sometimes making decisions can seem hard. Especially when things feel bleak. Sometimes we just need a pick me up. And that's what this DIY tutorial is all about.

When I was at the lowest point of burnout I was seriously struggling with depression and anxiety and my zest for life had vanished. I was finding it hard, sometimes even impossible to leave the house, and life felt really shit. And I figured I needed to do something about that.

I'd decoupaged this box a while ago, and figured out a neat use for it. I'd write down all the things that brightened my day and quotes that inspired me, and would create my pick me up box.

Hence the pick me up box was born!

By creating a box of things you know bring you joy/inspire you, it takes the decision making out of the process, something that can really zap your energy/something you can't face when you lose all your enthusiasm or life feels shit.

Tutorial

You need:

• A box (don't stress about it being the nicest box you've ever seen as this is a great delaying tactic. You can get a better box later.)

• 2 piece of paper (they should be visibly different from each other, eg. one lined/one paper or different colours

• Pen

Step 1

Cut both pieces of paper into strips and separate the different pages into piles.

Step 2

1. Pile 1: On each strip, write the name of an activity that inspires you, relaxes you, gives you energy or makes you happy. (My list includes: If you don't have any deadlines - Netflix binge day! Arrange to meet a friend for coffee. Go make a cup of tea and take a book. Go for a walk. Put on Macklemore/Taylor Swift and dance. Have a one person dance party.

2. Pile 2: On each strip, write a quote that inspires you.

strips of paper

Step 3

Mix them all about and put the box somewhere near to your bed, or your desk - somewhere in easy reach!

box in place

Step 4

Use it. Remember it exists. Go to it when you're feeling low. And let it do its job. Let it pick you up when you're feeling low.

pick me up 3

It's simple, but it's effective. Find a box and give it a go today. It won't take you longer than half an hour, and you'll have a great tool on hand when you feel tired, feel like giving up, or find life hard.

Enjoy!

Stop Playing It Safe

I could bet you my future wedding with Macklemore/Ryan Gosling that you don't want to be Regular Joe From The Status Quo. Why? Because you're here, you're reading this blog for a start.

I know you want to make a difference. You want to live a wholehearted life. You don't want to be the same as anyone else.

You have dreams bigger than a supersize Big Mac. And that's not ok. That's fucking amazing. The world needs more people like YOU.

But sometimes, like me, you fall into the trap of playing safe.

And let's face it, sometimes it feels good to play safe. It's like being in your granny pants and PJs, wrapped up in bed with your favourite blanket, watching Netflix. You're in your comfort zone, it's familiar, it feels good.  And your inner critic isn't yelling its head off.

But when you play it safe, you're not honing your own skills, your talents, your unique genius that makes you YOU.

It's like making a bacon sandwich and forgetting to put the bacon in.

I'm not just talking about taking big risks like quitting your job tomorrow to move to Nashville and starting your life over as a songwriter (however, you could do just that and it would be awesome).

I'm sick of people talking about taking risks, and them all having a huge financial implications. 

Because there are so many ways you can change you life up, today, that are going to make huge differences to your life, improve your everyday and give you a much more wholehearted life which don't involve blowing your savings, moving halfway across the world or following someone else in blind faith.

What I'm talking about is the steps, you can take today, to enrich your life, put yourself out there in a way which is more bold, more courageous, more YOU. I'm talking about doing the things that set you apart, that make you feel alive and give you a sense of purpose in your life.

And those things could involve:

• starting a novel you've been telling yourself you'll write for the past decade

• sprucing up your wardrobe with bold colours - or even wearing the bold colours you own but you've not been sure of

• making time for your art

• starting a blog

• planning that trip

• learning a new way of using our skills

• volunteering

• starting an Etsy shop

• planning regular dance parties with your friends via Skype

or whatever keeps you up at night wondering and curious.

That's not to say the big risks aren't worth taking. Sometimes they're the only possible outcome when you're stuck in a rut. If I hadn't quit my job, packed up my life, moved in with my to-be-in-laws and started planing and saving for my around the world trip with Mr. Meg, I'd still be sobbing at the bottom of the stairs, scared shitless that my dreams were dying and working in an environment that made feel approximately 1.2 millimetres tall.

But I think as a whole, the world heralds those huge risks and overlooks the everyday things that feel terrifying that can also massively improve your life.

So what's one thing you can do today to stop playing safe? What's one thing that's going to make you feel proud of yourself when you fall asleep tonight?

You can deal with dreamshitters. What you can't deal with is a life un-lived.

The importance of sharing your story

The world is full of people who are sick of hearing the same stories

Full of amazing women like you and me who go to bed feeling completely alone in our struggles because no one is talking about them in a way that feels HUMAN. In a way that feels like us.

I want to live in a world full of stories that show the truth. That show my truth, your truth and Jane down the road's truth. I don't want to live in a world where our views on life, and our tiny moments of insights are saved for a perfect picture on Instagram.

Because, you know what? Not all stories are beautiful, have a happy ending and end up with a picture on Instagram. So many of us are hiding our stories, ashamed, because they stick out, because they're ugly, because they don't fit into the status quo, because we don't see them anywhere we look, and we believe we're completely alone in our struggles.

The patchwork lives of the many are so much more interesting

They're full of rough edges, not quite finished parts, bits that went seriously wrong but we managed to botch together, and things that went well that perhaps we don't talk about enough. They're full of lose strings and lose ends that don't get tied up neatly like the end of a TV series, full of bits that are coming apart at the seams, and full of ridiculously deep colours and memories that somehow, even though completely jumbled up, unexplainably makes sense to us.

Like the time I mispronounced something during a business presentation and ended up shouting vagina. Really loud.

Or the time, aged 14, when I got a toffee got caught up in my brace at the cinema with my best friend, and had to go to the hospital with half my brace hanging out my mouth.

Or the time I found out ten years later, that the my very handsome childhood friend had liked me all along.

Or the time I had such a heavy period during a lecture where were were watching Slumdog Millionaire, that I had to stay behind until everyone had left to sneak out because I'd bled through my jeans. And the chair.

Or the time a cruel boy asked me in front of my English class 'Meg, how does it feel to know you'll never be attractive?" In response I laughed, to take away everyone else's sheer discomfort.

Or the time, the doctor put me on the pill and I put on five stone within a year and stretch marks more complicated than the road system in India.

Your life might not make sense

Mine doesn't. But it's made up of thousands of stories. Thousands of stories that are yours alone. Hundreds of thousands of moments that will never end up on your Facebook feed. Memories that are yours alone.

On a good day, I'd tell you that I wouldn't take one story back for one second. On a not so good day, I'd tell you that there are several things in my life, specifically things that have have happened to other people, that I would take back within a heartbeat.

But these stories?  The ones you laugh about, the ones you hold your head in shame about, the ones that make you feel brave?They set you apart from everyone else. They form your passions, your curiosities, you knowledge, your sense of humour and your sense of self worth. They define you.

Nothing is ever going to be perfect. That's the imperfectly perfect joy of life. Spending your time trying to make it all make sense, trying to be something you're not, or trying to write the next chapter of your story that is 'prettier', is futile.

Stand tall. Own your story. Don't deny the bits you don't like. You can't watch One Tree Hill and deny Uncle Keith's death because you thought it was wrong and devastatingly sad. The entire series wouldn't make sense without it.

The world needs your story

The world is desperate for your story. We all need your story. We need to know the things that make you feel like you're on fire and the monsters that hide under your bed.

Through other peoples stories we start to make sense of ourselves.  And there is always more space for more stories. Because no stories are ever the same and no story is boring.

I can't sum it up more perfectly than Brené Brown: "Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it."

There's a whole book of stories out there, and it's time for you to become the storyteller.

Gratitude: the good, the bad and the ugly

I like gratitude. We live in a fast-paced culture where we're always teetering between future tripping or stressing out about what needs to happen right now. It's fair to say we're not very good at being present. We can miss out on so many things, and gratitude can be a really good way of staying in the present. But I think it does have its limitations. No matter what's going on in your life, you're supposed to be grateful. Even if something unexpected has happened that has pushed your life in a completely unexpected direction.

In fact, especially if that happens.

There are some great ways to really practice gratitude in a way that gives more meaning to your life (read to the end of this post to get some practical ideas), but before I start waxing lyrical, let's get something out of the way.

While it can be essential for living a wholehearted life, there's also a danger in forcing positivity onto ourselves and feeling like we have to be grateful, regardless of circumstances and situations that leave us feeling low. Sometimes we end up using gratitude as the stick to beat ourselves with.

It's okay not to be positive all the time

Life can be shit. You know that, I know that, the Pope knows that. But regardless of that, gratitude seems to have become this blanket thing to practice and apply to all situations.

I disagree.

If I'm having a shit day, or dealing with hard stuff, or something happens to my family and friends, telling me to be grateful that:

A. It could have been worse

B. I'm still alive

C. I'm more fortunate than others

isn't going to help. It's going to make me feel worse, and very likely, very pissed off.

Firstly, everything can always be worse. That's not helpful, that's just irritating.

Secondly, sometimes being alive and surviving everything is the hard part.

And thirdly, comparing yourself to others 'less fortunate' is a great way of patronising a whole load of people and also an effective way of reaffirming the power dynamics that keep this society as unequal as it is. And I'm not into that.

So give yourself a break. It's okay to not be grateful for things that make you or the people around you feel shit. That's human. Acknowledging how you feel and appreciating that you're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling, however, is always going to make the situation better, as hard as it can be to do that. Self validation can often be a much better tool than gratitude.

You don't always have to see the lesson

This is a HUGE one. While I believe that sometimes the shit in life does share an important lesson, sometimes believing that everything happens for a reason just doesn't help. It can leave you bewildered, lost, furious and heart-broken.

Going back to a point I made earlier - you don't have to be grateful and positive about everything. You don't always have to find a lesson in everything. While I really do value reflection and trying to pull the flower buds out of the compost, deal with one thing at a time.

Besides, sometimes you're not going to see the lesson until years later. And often, it only turns up exactly when you need to learn the lesson.

You don't have to be thankful to anyone in particular

I'm not religious. When I'm thankful things, I just am. I guess if I were to have to put a name to it, I would say I'm grateful to the universe.  But I think we often get so stuck into thinking who we should be grateful for, and working out all the logics of it; why did this happen, when that didn't happen? Who's pulling the strings here?

We can also get seriously stuck in trying to wish things were different, or trying to change our fate. In my view, gratitude is for gratitude's sake. Not this kind of piecemeal, I've said thanks, now when am I going to win the lottery kind of deal.

Gratitude is about acknowledging what's good in your life and taking time to reflect on the things that can be swept under the rug when life gets busy (when was the last time you really thanked your best friend, just for being her?). It's not about asking for more, demanding things be different and getting pissed off that things haven't happened for you yet.

When combined with intention and action, that's goal setting. Not gratitude.

But that's not to chuck gratitude out of the proverbial pram. There's plenty a time when gratitude it going to make you feel amazing, appreciate the moment and add to a more wholehearted life.

And for those times, here are some great ways to welcome gratitude into your life

Gratitude practices you can try

•  3 good things - a couple of years ago, I did a positive psychology course, and this really stuck with me. Every day, try to think of 3 good things that happened in the last 24 hours. And where you can, share them. This can be a really nice thing to do with a friend or a partner, a really positive way of starting a team meeting, or something to make you feel warm as you fall asleep at night.

•  Keeping a Gratitude journal - this can be an extension of the above exercise, where you record your good things in a small notebook, which you can look at when you're feeling low. You could also try doing this once a week on a Sunday night to kickstart your work. There are approximately a gazillion ways you could keep a gratitude journal. Ultimately, it's what works for you, how you think, and how you live your life.

•  Tell people on a regular basis you appreciate them. This could be writing random postcards to family/friends, sending short texts/e-mails or through big bear hugs (my favourite). And that includes being grateful for YOU. Ever written yourself a letter of gratitude? No? Now's the time to try!

•  From Mind, Body, Green - Reach out to an author whose book has changed your life and share your gratitude in an email or letter. I did this when I was 17 and was astounded by the response. I need to remember to do this again soon

• This post has a great list of ways of practicing gratitude that you can start today. I love that it includes giving compliments and taking walks

Life always feels better when you're taking notice of the good things, storing them in your internal memory and appreciating them. Just don't beat yourself with the gratitude stick when life gets hard!

I'd love to hear any gratitude practices you have - let me know in the comments!

What no one tells you about courage

I'm sat on the sofa, diagonally across from my best friend. We've been talking about recording a podcast episode (all about self care) long enough and today's the day that on a whim we're decided we're going to do it. We've written a list of what we want to talk about, the laptop is set up ready to go, and all that sits between us is the record button, Magic Mike (as my microphone has come to be nicknamed - it is pretty phallic) and one hell of a lot of fear.

I am scared shitless.

My stomach is doing that weird washing machine thing, my chest is just being a bit odd and I want to giggle and cry all at the same time.

All we need to do is start a conversation. And believe me, that's something we're pretty bloody good at.

But with a microphone? Nothing. I'm like a child on their first day of school.

It feels the same way as a trying to go to toilet when you're desperate but your mother in law/boss is in the next cubicle. Awkward, embarrassing and ultimately frustrating.

But I try. My best friend presses the record button. I  grimace, but she starts to talk at ease. She's a natural.

And then she starts to introduce me. Silence. Nothing. Nada. Not even a giggle.

I'm too caught up in my own head - what I sound like, how I don't know if I'll say something stupid, who will hear it - that I'm rendered speechless.

I'm hugely amazed by the proverbial balls my best friend has, for going for it and starting. Because starting is always the hardest.

So we try again

This time I push myself harder, reminding myself that we can easily delete it, that I'm with someone trust implicitly and the only difference between this conversation and the rest of our conversation is an inanimate object.

I close my eyes, and squeeze my thoughts from my brain to my mouth.

And this time, words form and they come out. I'm maintaining good eye contact with my best friend as she gives me reassuring looks and the conversation flows. Because not knowing what to say has never been our problem.

And before long, I'm seriously enjoying myself. I enjoy asking questions, I enjoy hearing her views and above all, I'm ridiculously happy to be a woman, sitting with another woman, sharing our stories and putting them out there in the world. It seems pretty radical. And pretty brave.

Because it is radical. And it is brave. Putting your story and your voice out there is always that way.

But there are so many reasons not to. There are so many reasons to get trapped by fear. That's always going to be the same with any dream you have.

But some point you have the force that voice out of your head and jump.

And stop analysing what's lying in your way. You have to stop looking at the wall you've built between yourself and your dreams and stop giving a label to each brick.

Some of my bricks were about how I've lost confidence and my confidence in my voice. Other bricks were simple labeled 'I am not enough.'

But focusing on the wall isn't going to get you over the wall. And it is 100% A-OK I'd you're not the first one over the wall, or if you have to watch someone else get over it first.

Asking for help, being reassured, and doing it with someone is what life is about. And once you stop thinking you have to do it all on you're own, you'll learn that there's a whole number of people out there who genuinely want to help.

And when you take that leap, you feel scared shitless to start off with, but invincible when you've done it. And there's nothing quite like taking that risk with someone you love.

Take it from me. Courage? It's contagious.

(And addictive!)

!

Dream Chasing: 30 things before 30

It's a couple of days after my 25th birthday and I've been thinking a lot lately about life. About how slow time goes now I'm not having the same mundane day over and over again working at a job I hated. About how I have so many goals but because I only keep them in my head, they end up feeling all over the place instead of exciting. And ultimately about how I need to take more risks and look fear in the face. So my 30 things to do before I'm 30 list started.

Why 30?

Because it sounded much more realistic than 101. And why before 30? Because I don't know where life is taking me, and that is EXCITING! For once, I don't have a 3 year plan and I'm not obsessing about the HOW but instead I'm focusing on the WHY.

If you'd asked the 21 year old me what my life goals were by 30, I'd probably have said to start my own charity, have children and and to have saved the world.My life looks a lot different now I've learned to manage my expectations and learn who I am and I couldn't be happier.

Because here's the truth of it.

I don't know what's going to happen. I certainly couldn't have predicted at 15 what I'd be doing at 25. I couldn't have predicted it at 20. Because so many weird and wonderful things have happened and so many opportunities have opened up as I've changed my perspective from a type a stress head to a recovering type a stress head!

So here goes with my list (in no particular order). It definitely feels pretty vulnerable putting it online! I'll be updating it as I go along and adding more things as I discover things I want to do that keep me up at night and keep my zest for life alive.

30 Things to Do Before I'm 30

(last updated August 2018, age 27, 2 and a bit years to go!)

1. Backpack across US DONE, India and South East Asia

2. Get tattoos

3. Ride/meet an elephant

4. Write a fictional novel

5. Finish my amazing patchwork throw made of fabrics I've collected on my travels

6. Create a big piece of art on canvas

7. Perform a live country gig

8. Become a spoken word poet and perform

9. Become location independent as a self employed person DONE!

10. Start and sustain a successful podcast DONE!

11. Speak in front of a live audience of 1,000 people

12. Publish a book (including self published)

13. Produce artwork & jewellery to sell

14. Edit and produce a magazine

15. Perform a stand up gig

16. Sustain and take That Hummingbird Life to the next level DONE!

17. Develop a better relationship with my body

18. Go to Nashville & dance my feet off DONE!

19. Actually pass my driving test

20. Write collection of short stories

21. Have a civil partnership with Mr. Meg and have the a festival wedding

22. Have my own line of stationery

23. Go to a silent disco, paint rave and colour festival

24. See Macklemore & Ryan Lewis live! DONE! TWICE - London & Vegas

25. Go on a creative retreat

26. Explore European cities including Amsterdam, Berlin, Prague, eastern europe

27. Write a postcard to myself every week for the next 5 years

28. Write, direct and perform my own one person musical (even if only to family and friends.)

29. Go to CMA fest & C2C DONE! Went to C2C, not so bothered about CMA fest now!

30. Learn to cook GOOD Tapas, Thai, Indian and American southern food.

So here goes! 5 years of very exciting things! I'd LOVE to know if you have a bucket list or how you've recorded your goals! Let me know in the comments!

A couragemaker’s guide to navigating the self help world

I’ve ranted a lot lately. About online gurus, about get rich quick schemes, and other bullshit that creates an alluring trap for couragemakers like you and me but ends up with us feeling worse in the long run. Now, believe it or not, the self-help (or as dream chasing as I prefer to call it) and autobiographies sections in my local library are by far my favourite sections. For me, there's something so powerful in someone telling their story, and sharing their dreams, and being vulnerable as hell about where they’ve come from and where they’re going.

That inspires me above all else.

But it’s taken me a while to navigate that whole world and make it work for me.

When you're in a place of quiet desperation, you'll try near enough anything. But when you're in that place of quiet desperation, you're also incredibly vulnerable.

And let’s face it - we all need help sometimes. Whether you're wondering what to do out of college, trying to figure out how to chase your dreams, want to improve a relationship or want to up your confidence, sometimes we need a gentle reminder, or strategies to deal with something we’re going through.

And there’s a whole lot of help out there. Everyone wants to help. Everyone has an opinion. And let’s face it - there are a lot of people want to charge you thousands for things you already know. Some want you to buy into (quite literally), their way of doing things.

It’s a messy world.

As it stands right now, on Amazon UK, there are 405,108 books in the Mind, Body, Spirit section. In the kindle store, there are  253,342 e-books in the Self Help/Counselling section. That’s just books. That doesn’t include the thousands of self-help podcasts, the hundreds of thousands of life coaches online, or the thousands of YouTube clips on self-help.

Wow.

That’s a whole load of people with a whole load of different opinions on how they can improve your life. They have conflicting viewpoints, conflicting methods, and conflicting promises. But they all have something in common. They want to help you.

But where on earth do you turn to? Who can you trust?

That’s where these questions come into it. Answer them, and you’ll find a much better tactic of finding help that’s suited to you than just picking up the latest bestseller.

When you’re finished, you’re going to have a better idea of what you want, how you want it and what works for you. (Me? Ryan Gosling, on the kitchen table. Thanks.)

So, let’s get started!

What do you actually need?

What are you dealing with? And what do you actually need?

When you're looking for help (this also applies to when moaning to a friend about something), you generally want one of the following:

• Permission - and confidence to do something.

• Reassurance - that things will work out, that we’re a good person, that everything will work out okay in the end

• Confirmation - that you’re doing the right thing and you’re making the right decision

• Understanding and knowledge - you want to get down to the root cause of it. Knowledge is power!

• Actionable steps - easily laid out things you can do to get your where you want.

Figuring out what you need makes it a lot easier to find what you’re looking for. It’s also an excellent way of cutting out a lot of the shit!

What qualifies them to help YOU?

I used to trust easily and I used to be pretty naive.

Now things are different. I know that not everyone who says they want to help genuinely wants to help. Some are more motivated by money, and some bring absolutely no experience and aren’t qualified on any level to help.

The way I see it, if I’m going to take my vulnerabilities anywhere, I want to know that they know their shit, that I can trust the information I’ll receive. I want to be respected and I want to feel safe.

That’s why I recommend creating a quick mental criteria that someone has to meet (whether they’re an author, podcaster, or a coach you’re hiring) that they have to meet. My criteria might look differently to yours, but it looks a little something like this:

1. They have to have experience with what they’re dealing with. They have to be brave in sharing their story and respect that others are being courageous in just seeing help.

2. They have to be passionate about their subject area, and not just see it as a quick money-making scheme

3.They have to be realistic about what they’re promising.

4. Credentials and initials don’t mean shit unless they have the experience to back it up. Now, when I’m in the library, I flick straight to the about the author section before checking out a book. I want to know who the are to help me, and whether we’re a good match. Make your criteria, and stick to it!

What are they promising?

I’ve said this before, as have many people, and I’ll say it again. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

If you’re struggling with your weight, if someone is promising you a bikini body in 6 weeks, it’s probably bullshit.

If you’re struggling with relationships and someone is promising you the perfect partner in 12 simple steps, it’s definitely bullshit. It’s a bit of a balancing act: having realistic expectations for yourself, and finding someone who can help on those expectations.

What works for you?

We all find motivations in different ways, and we all take things on board via different means. For me, I love podcasts and things that are very action oriented. The more practical the better for me. But we’re all different.

Do you like workbooks? Do you like practical exercises that gently take you outside your comfort zone and put what you’re learning into practice? Do you like working with someone 1:1?

Does the idea of sitting with someone and chatting it through sound like hell to you? Do you prefer reading a book or listening to an audiobook/podcast in the comfort of your own home with some privacy? Do you get motivated through watching?

It’s all about YOU. There is no right and wrong.

And I think where people go wrong when wanting to make a change in their lives, is buying into something that was never going to work for them in the first place.

Spend some time working out what works for you, and then when it comes to sorting shit out and making your life work for you, you’re more likely to find something that is actually effective. And a last couple of things on the topic:

Please, judge a book by its title

Perhaps you’re struggling because you’re single and you think your self-confidence is holding you back. Let me tell you, a book called something like ‘Little Black Dress: Why you’re still single and sitting on the shelf’ isn’t going to help you.

You don’t need to be shamed into changing. You don’t want to be told what you’re apparently doing wrong.

Chances are, you’re not doing anything wrong, and reading a book that makes you feel more shit about yourself is only going to feed your anxiety and problem. Nor is a book titled ‘Fat Pig: adventures in greed, rejection and flab’ going to help you with body issues.

And if you’ve picked up a book called '10  Short Steps To Success, Riches and Happiness', I think you know what I’m going to say.

Protect yourself

When you’re looking for help, chances are you’re in a vulnerable place. Look after yourself. Only give your heart to people you trust not to crush it.

Give yourself time, space, and celebrate the shit out of your small wins.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly...

Sometimes you don’t need anyone else. You have more wisdom than you know inside yourself. Ask yourself  the question you want answered, listen hard for the answer, and trust yourself.

You matter, you’re the expert on your life, after all.

I’d love to hear what you think - let me know in the comments!