When Dream Chasing Goes Wonky

I wrote a lot about dream chasing before me and Mr. Meg left for our three-month trip around the US. About the big pause, about the not so glamorous side of dream chasing and about the need to write your own adventure story.

Now it’s time to talk about when dreams becomes reality and when dream chasing goes wonky.

I’m sharing this because I’ve always been truthful, even if it’s been hard to say.  I’ve felt embarrassed (I’ve got over that) and struggled with the feeling that this is self-indulgent shit and I should just shut up and be grateful.  But I think we really do gloss over aspects of dream chasing, especially the taboo of what happens when things don’t go as planned. And I’m hoping that in sharing my struggles, there might be something in here that helps you.

I’ve been putting off finishing it and publishing it because I’ve been waiting for some kind of life lesson to emerge, some kind of resolution, some sort of ‘ta-da’ moment. But there isn’t. On a recent Couragemakers podcast episode Meaghan Gallant talked about the damage of not seeing the stories of failure and instead only seeing the stories of people who’ve struggled when they reached the other side.

So this, friends, is my inbetween-ness. 

Right Now

I’ve been back from the US for just under a three months now, and now feels like a good time to sit down and reflect on our trip and  what dream chasing has looked like along the way. My hope is that this bullshit-free look at dream chasing and what happens when things go wonky will inspire you to chase down your dreams and hold on tight, because I can tell you, no matter what dream you’re chasing, it will be one hell of a ride.

Right now I should be enjoying exploring Vietnam with Mr. Meg. After our three-month trip around the US, we were scheduled to spend the next six months travelling around South East Asia: India, Thailand, Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia, ending in Bali.

Instead I’m back in London with a very much drained bank account, and staying put until at least July while we’re figuring out our next steps. I really missed working on That Hummingbird Life while I was away and I’m really looking forward to the time I have to focus on the work that lights me up, getting things more set up and being more creative.

But obviously, I am gutted that I’m not in Asia right now, but I’m learning that slow and steady is the way to go, even when the future looks completely uncertain.

We can get it wrong

I’ve learned a shitload in the last four months. About dream-chasing, about myself, about humanity, how to sleep in a room with beetles pinned to a canvas to name a few.

But the biggest thing I’ve learned is that we can want things as much as a human possibly could ever want something, and we can get it and be completely confused.

(The second biggest lesson is that I’m learning every day in new ways every day is that life never goes as planned and life has a way of throwing you surprises at every turn. A lesson that I thought I learned before but keeps coming back to bite me.)

We can decide that our life is going to be a certain way, be 254% sure that it’s going to be the right choice for us and what will ultimately make us happy, and we can be wrong.

If you asked me six months ago how my life would look, I would have looked you straight in the eye and told you without a hesitation of certainty that I would definitely be spending the next five years of my life travelling. I would have told you that travelling would be my way of life, that I never wanted to live out of anything bigger than a backpack and that stability is overrated.

Skip forward, and despite having a drained bank account and a very empty itinerary which makes our Asia trip impossible at the moment, my answer would be very different.

Instead, I would tell you (over a hot chocolate, of course):

• The reality of doing a three month trip around the US followed by a six month trip to Asia back to back and ENJOYING it would have been ridiculous. While fun, travelling, being on the move and being aware of your surroundings at all times is exhausting.

• Travelling around the US soley by public transport is mentally and physically draining, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone who had dreams of a roadtrip. Unless you wanted an average day on that road trip to include helping a drunk man off the floor of a bus and having the whole bus stop while you have to fill out a ‘Passenger Witness Statement’.

• From a UK stance, we only get to see the great bits of the US on the TV, and the reality is very much different. Ignoring politics and gun laws, the levels of inequality, poverty and homelessness are astounding and horrific. You see so much more when you’re not ferried around in a car.

• The novelty and romanticism of living just in Bnbs wears off, especially when you just want to guilt-fee veg out and cook a huge meal without being judged.

• Huge rucksacks and buses do not mix. At least not in the States. People will look at you you came via a spaceship.

• Being a public spectacle everywhere you go isn’t fun. Especially when you’re eating pasta from a plastic container standing outside TJ Maxx because a) you can’t find a bench and b) you can’t afford to eat at a restaurant because you’re on such a low budget.

• Some people think it’s okay to hang a home made canvas with HUGE beetles pinned (like a pin board!!) to it in a room they let on Air bnb. I STILL haven’t got over this one.
• Scam artists sometimes tell you to go fuck yourself if you don’t return their high five.

But I wouldn’t know any of those things if I didn’t chase down my first dream of going to the US.

And I wouldn’t know these incredible truths:

• You can spend every day for 3 months with your best friend and love of your life (same person, folks), getting into weird as shit situations, getting on the wrong bus, jumping into lakes that smell of dog shit and returning closer than ever

• That to me, one of the most exciting things about New York is their INCREDIBLE dog park in Madison Square Park.

• I have the courage to jump into a pool topless and not knock myself out with my knockers

• Most people are very kind and want to help you. Even if the news acts like everyone is monsters

• Wandering into a karaoke night in a dodgy dive bar full of locals on the top of a mountain and proceeding to sing Shakira will get you very weird looks.

• If you go a gig with an audience of less than 1000 people in Vegas and Busta Rhymes shows up and you don’t know any of his songs, it's pretty fucking awkward

• Shouting I love you to the only second runner to Mr Meg (Sal from Impractical Jokers) works and is reciprocated (ahhh!)

And this list could be a hell of a lot longer. And each item on that list makes me really happy.

But here’s an even bigger truth:

Dream chasing is always going to be wonky because we’re presupposing how we’re going to feel, what we’re going to want and how things are going to go.

And the scariest thing about dream chasing is that ultimately, we don’t know how we’re going to feel when we get there.

The problem is that when we’re working our asses off trying to make our dreams a reality, we take huge risks, make huge sacrifices, and the outcome is the most important thing.

It’s the thing that keeps us going. It’s our purpose, our reason. And we spend so much time fantasising and day dreaming that it’s absolutely natural that we built up a picture in our head of how it’s going to be.

We have to believe that it’s going to be worth it. We have to believe that the end result is going to look like it does in our heads. We have to believe that it’s going to happen, come thunder or lightning.

And when it doesn’t, we have to deal with the reality of our expectations. And that’s pretty fucking tough.

The difference between expectation and intention

I read (most) of a great book while I was away called The Intention Generation by Makenna Johnston. In it, Makenna talks about the differences been expectations and intentions, and how, if we focus on our intentions instead, we’re more likely to be happy with an outcome, not disappointed.

And that’s certainly a part of it. Had I gone to the US with the intention of having adventures, coming back with stories to tell and some really random photos, then I’d have achieved every intention I set out to.

But instead I went with a huge rucksack of expectation. I expected it to be like everything I’ve ever seen that involved a road trip. I expected to find like-minded people along the way. I expected America to look how it does on Diners, Drive Ins and Dives. I expected to find myself and learn the meaning of life. I expected to be addicted to living on the road and never want to do anything else ever. I expected to feel alive.

I expected it to go someway towards achieving that feeling we’re all feeling when we get wanderlust. And so much more.

But I’ve come back feeling empty, feeling pretty disillusioned and more lost than ever. None of those expectations, my friends, were met. And I am filled with such sadness that I have put off writing and publishing this post since I got back.

Grief

The only way I can come to understanding what I’m going through now and working through it, is to see it for what it is.

And that’s grief.

Grieving the loss of a huge dream. Grieving the loss of an identity. Grieving the picture in my head that didn’t play out. Grieving all of the things I sacrificed for The Big Dream and wondering if they were worth it.

So, this my friend is where I’m at right now.

While it’s easy to feel like I’m back at square 1, I know I’m not. And I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly. Because we all really are our own harshest critics

Instead I’m giving myself space for more dreams to emerge, giving myself time to make That Hummingbird Life everything I know it can be, and starting to take my future as seriously as my fears.

I don’t know what the future looks like in my personal life, I don’t know much, but I hope that some day this will all make a lot more sense than it does right now.

But here's what I do know

While dream-chasing isn’t glamourous, it often goes wonky and certainly isn’t predictable, it’s really fucking important.

It’s important to go after the things you want with your whole heart. It’s important even if it doesn’t work out. And it’s important to feel all the fears and do it anyway. Because without dreams, we’re missing out on a lifetime of memories, opportunities and experiences that we don’t even know are out there.

And we need to have more open and honest conversations about the reality of dream chasing and the struggles that come along for the ride.

There are too many books about how to have your dream life and how to accomplish your dreams, and how to be happy in 1,2,3. And not enough about what happens when things don’t go according to plan.

So here’s to filling that void!

And here’s to living, not merely existing, no matter how hard that might be.

I’d love to know about how dream chasing looks in your own life. Let me know in the comments below!

The Loneliness That Comes with Not Fitting In

I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I don’t fit in. When I was thirteen I started a zine called Broccoli (okay, I only got round to designing the front cover). It was going to be all about the experiences of growing up a misfit and not feeling like I fit in.

In high school I was bullied about everything, from laugh to the Doc Martens I rocked (I think I was way ahead of the time). I didn’t stick out like a sore thumb, I stuck out like a dislocated arm.

Sometimes I welcomed the terms freak and misfit like a warm hug, and sometimes I would have given my left tit to fit in. I had friends, but they didn’t get me, not really. They weren’t creative, they didn’t seem to feel things as deeply as I did, and were much happier gossiping about boys and the latest trends in H&M whereas I would be happier doodling and listening to music for the rest of my life.

While everyone was looking up to Melissa from the OC for inspiration, I was idolising the character Sky Mangel, a blue haired teenage girl from the Australian soap Neighbours.

Going to college was the closest I came to feeling like I fit in because I turned my back on everything that was familiar and refused to go to the college built into my high school. College was made up of misfits and people like me, grappling with their struggles and just trying to make it through to the other side, whatever that was. But while I felt like I fit in through circumstance, I didn’t feel much more understood.

I went to university and I really didn’t fit in. I didn’t fit in in my first job. I didn’t fit in when I moved to London and I still don’t. I’ve found the bigger the city the lonelier it can feel. I certainly didn’t fit in when I spent 3 months backpacking around America. And I still don’t.

I’ve spent my whole life not feeling like I fit in, and as I’ve grown and the years have gone by, my reasons for not fitting in list have grown with me.

I’ve been with Mr. Meg for coming on 14 years, I’m not a huge drinker, I’m fat, I don’t have a 9-5 job and hate everything about the rat race, I don’t give a shit about fashion and I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. I struggle with anxiety and way over think conversations, and my OCD can look pretty odd sometimes. I can’t keep my mouth shut when I feel passionately about something, I overshare, I say it like it is and I’m very chirpy.

And on one hand I would never have it any other way because I couldn’t conform if I tried, but I can’t escape the fact that sometimes it can feel so lonely.

I’m feel really lucky to have found my people online. Through The Couragemakers Podcast, I’ve found my people, through this blog, through my weekly emails and through the magic of Twitter. It took a long time to find my tribe and often I felt like I never would, but it happened.

But that doesn’t mean that day to day the loneliness goes away. Sometimes it comes to the surface, but more often that not, it’s something that I’ve come to be with for such a long time that it’s like a humming in the background.

If you have the same humming in the background, I want to tell you that you’re not alone.

Even though sometimes you feel like no one gets you and you feel completely on your own, you’re not. There are so many of us who feel the same way, some for the same reasons and others for entirely different reasons.

It's okay to not want the things you're supposed to want. It's okay to have a completely different idea of fun than everyone around you. It's okay to want to have a different lifestyle, a different identity and different hobbies than everyone around you. It’s okay to have different values, different outlooks and a different way of being.

Scratch that. It’s not okay (and if you started singing the My Chemical Romance song in your head, we need to be friends). It’s fucking brilliant.

Your quirks, your weirdness, the way you do things is what sets you apart.

The Loneliness That Comes With Not Fitting In

And the world needs you exactly as you are. There’s no one out there like you and no one who can bring to the world exactly what you do in the way that you do it.

Here’s the thing that I go back to. There are so many things I wouldn’t have done if I felt like I fit in. I would never have started this blog or The Couragemakers Podcast for one. I never would have sought out the things that make me happy, like laughter yoga, performance poetry, forest bathing, I wouldn’t have found Mr. Meg (we were e-pals back in the 2000s and found each other through our joint not fitting in and love of emo music), I wouldn’t have honed my skills and talents like I did.

And there are things and experiences you would never have had if you fit in. If you conformed, you would have had to give up so many of the things that make you you, and wouldn’t be two-thirds of the person you are today. Your difference is what sets the world on fire.

And you’re so much stronger than you think because of it. You can’t get through years of feeling like you don’t fit in without being strong and standing up for yourself. Even if that’s just in your head.

But we need to start talking about the loneliness that comes with feeling like we don’t fit in.

We need to start sharing our experiences. Of course, some of them make us feel ashamed, some of them make us feel lame (like the voice I’ve had through writing this telling me not to hit the publish button), but it’s really damn important.

Because so many of us think we’re feeling this alone. So many of us are struggling with similar things thinking we’re completely on our own and nobody gets it.

But trust me, I get it. And so many others do as well.

So let’s shine light on the loneliness and band together in standing out.

What’s your experience? Comment below and let’s get this conversation started!

This is the scariest thing about dream-chasing

While I’ve been in the US, I’ve really learned how huge Halloween is over here. The decorations vary from pretty to over the top, the candy looks delicious and there’s definitely something in the air. I’ve definitely seen my fair share of scary skeletons, but I think there’s definitely something a lot scarier that none of us talk about, at any time of the year:

How scary life is, when it is full of chances you didn’t take, words you didn’t write, things you didn’t try and dreams you never chased.

I get it, I really do. I get the fear, the courage it takes to put yourself out there, the vulnerability in being seen, the chance of failure and the overwhelming feeling that you can’t do it.

But I think sometimes we don’t think of the actual consequences apart from the here and now of how impossible something feels, and what bad things could happen as a result of trying.

And that’s this idea of the life unlived. Not just the one thing you didn’t have the courage to do, but how they add up over a period of time, depriving you (and the world) of the amazing things you have to give and create. How they accumulate and you end up creating a life that doesn’t reflect the person you are, or the dreams and wishes you dare to dream late at night when no one’s around.

It’s a bit like ordering cheese (I don’t know why I picked cheese, I don’t know that many cheeses, but bare with me on this).

Imagine you’re a cheese connoisseur and you go up to a counter of delicious cheeses and you hand over your money,and in return, you get given the really shit cheese that comes in a tube. Even though you can see all of these fancy mature cheeses that have you salivate, you’re stuck with the one that comes in a tube for goodness sake.

While perhaps a bizarre metaphor, I think you get what I’m saying here. We have all these amazing things inside of us and yet sometimes we end up settling and getting a shit deal of it.

You would be gutted if you were a cheese connoisseur and you got tube cheese, the same way as you’d be gutted if one day you realised the fantastic person you are and how you settled for the lesser option.

Because here’s the thing: you are not tube cheese.

You are the real fucking deal. And perhaps if you can allow yourself to believe that for just a second, things could change.

I want what you have to give to the world to be in the world. I want to read your words, see your art, hear your message, watch you shine brightly as you know deep down you can.

And the world wants it to. There might be 7 billion people in the world right now, but there is only one you. And you have a shit tonne more than you could ever imagine to give the world.

And you might not know what that is yet, but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth exploring.

We all have dreams, we all have wishes, and we all have a vision for ourselves that we sometimes dare to think of. But that doesn’t mean only the lucky ones get to achieve their dreams or live the life they want to. Of course, priviledge plays a factor in everything, but convincing ourselves that only the special ones get to live the life they have in their head is dangerous. And really fucking scary.

So, this Halloween, think about the life unlived, and then think of all the possibilities of the life lived instead.

Be the girl that lived.

And if you got that Harry Potter reference, I think we need to be BFFS.

What's one thing you've been to scared to do that you're going to try? Let me know in the comments!

Dream Chasing & The Big Pause

Lately I've been getting really honest about the not so glamorous side of dream chasing, and how my life is changing now I'm actively seeking to be the woman who chases adventures instead of passively wanting to write about these women. And I want to touch upon something I've not really talked a huge amount about. And that's how the last year and a half, waiting for this dream of travelling the world to happen has been.

For this last year since I gave up my house with Mr. Meg and moved into our inlaws, I feel like I've been stuck on pause.

Waiting desperately for our time to come, counting down the months, wondering what we're going to do, planning this, researching that, and somewhere along the lines I forgot to live.

I decided that it was okay to bury myself in graphic design work because I need to save to be able to go. It was okay that I didn't go out and make loads of new friends in London because we're probably never going to be living here again. It was okay that me and Mr. Meg didn't do all of the things we wanted to do because we needed rest and time to recuperate after the stress of the last couple of years.

Preparing for Dream Chasing & The Big Pause

I often find myself thinking that it's been much needed solitutude and time for myself. Because the next year is going to be jam packed and personal space and solitude will be a rarity. And that I need this time right now to put my head down and just get on with it, in order to make my next year possible.

But another part of me think's that's bullshit.

That it's an excuse I've given myself. Because sometimes I'm really scared of the world. Because everything feels too much, and some days it's hard enough getting out of bed, let alone walking into a crowded room full of strangers.

And because I'm really fucking tired. I'm exhausted and somewhere along the line, I let my life become this never ending to-do list. And all the pressure I put on myself was down to me.

And that reality is hard to swallow.

In all honesty, partly because I feel ashamed. And another part of me feels shit scared about the year ahead when I think about the last year.  I  worry if I'll have the energy, if I'll be able to stay present, if I'll have fun - anything and everything.

I've been stuck in this notion that it's either A or B. I didn't stop to consider the other 24 letters of the english alphabet. Instead, I limited my life to two distinct and unhealthy scenarios. Fully on, or fully off.

And that's not possible. Because fully on 24/7 gets me burned out really quickly, and fully off sends me into the dark hole of depression.

And whether it's being burned out or depressed, I'm not good to anybody like that, let alone myself. It's not good for my health, my wellbeing, my creativity and it's not good for Mr. Meg, for my family, for my friends and for the work that I do.

And it’s a hard lesson to learn. And one I’m sure I’ll keep learning.

I know I’m far from alone in this situation. I think so many of us are so caught up in longing for something, longing to be that person, longing to have that adventure, that we miss out on the current adventure in our life.

Because life happens in the little moments. And not every moment is an adventure. But we do get to determine what some of those little moments look like.

It doesn’t have to be A or B, it can be a creative combination of a million different things. We don’t have to spend our days like we’re waiting for the bus, or in the hospital waiting room.

So here's to living, whatever that looks like. To some days saying fuck you to our comfort zones, and for other days to gently come to the edge and peek your head out to see if you can do it.

I'd love to know if you can relate in the comments!

What Becoming Visible Has Taught Me

When I ran the New Year’s Revolution challenge at the start of the year, I set myself a challenge for 2016. And that was to become more visible. And share my many stories. For me that meant putting my whole self out there. Not hiding behind a screen or a mask, but showing up, as I am.

And that’s some tough scary shit. Because it’s really hard to meet yourself as you are and a) be okay with yourself and b) show that to the world.

For me, a big part of becoming visible meant sharing my whole story, not just the good bits; the bits that sound great on paper. But instead telling the whole thing. Messy bits, the ugly bits and the bits I’d change if I was re-writing it.

I’ve written a lot recently about sharing your story and it’s one of my core beliefs that the world needs to hear the messy, complicated, stories. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

While I was sick of hiding the complicated bits and things that didn’t make sense, I’ve been terrified to really show myself. 

And I know I’m not alone in this. So many of us are living this same struggle. And sometimes our logic isn’t rational, but it feels very real and serious to us.

I mean, I nearly didn’t start my podcast because I’m fat. How does that even make sense? I mean, what the fuck is that about?!

And I’ve been shy in sharing my own mental health struggles because I feared that it would discredit my ability to talk about wellbeing, overcoming burnout and living a wholehearted life. (This, I also learned, is bollocks).

So many of us who are fighting for a brighter, better world have struggles and don’t have our shit together. And like I’ve written before, no one wants real life advice from the person who claims that they never have and never will have problems because life is magical. In some ways, having problems makes us most qualified to do it.

But to me, at that time, showing up fully, with both the shit and giggles was a serious concern.

In this self help world of green smoothies and yoga at 5am, I had so many mixed feelings as showing up the way I am.

As a fat woman who struggles with her mental health , the world makes so many assumptions and I didn’t want that.

But I’d started to define myself by my struggles and not by my unique combination of skills and strengths or the passion that I have to make the world a brighter place.

And because I’d already figured out in my own head how people would react, (which FYI, didn’t come true. At all) I’d scared myself shitless about it.

But someway along the way, I realised that becoming visible wasn’t this horrible, scary thing that would mean the end to life as I knew it.

It was a lot like closing your eyes, squeezing your hands tightly together and blurting out what you’ve wanted to say for a while, then coming up to air and realising the world hasn’t ended.

It gave me life. It felt absolutely invigorating to actually put myself out there. To log into skype and have deep intimate conversations with women all over the world for my podcast was terrifying to begin with, but has quickly become one of my all time favourite things to do.

Launching a New Year’s Revolution email course was exciting and so refreshing. Jumping on Skype with people I’ve only known via email has only made our relationships better.

Instead of doing it for the sake of a challenge, putting myself out there actually became fun. I learned that as much as I tell myself otherwise to keep myself safe, I thrive on connecting with other like minded people. I absolutely love talking to people and getting to know their stories. I love showing up as my bright coloured self, being really honest and trying to make the world a better place.

And the last four months have taken me to some pretty amazing places.

I actually started the podcast I put off for so long and it has been even more beautiful than I ever could have dreamt of. Then I put it into the world with some radical honesty and interviewed the most incredible women, and The Couragemakers Podcast ended up in New & Noteworthy (say whaaaat?).

And I’ve enjoyed (enjoyed!) being interviewed for some other amazing podcasts. I shared my struggles with being in the entrepreneur world and my upcoming round the world adventure with VK the VA for her wonderful podcast Behind The Boss Mask and got seriously honest with Sarah Starrs about multipotentiality, the truth and myths behind lifestyle design and uninstagrammable self care on her Punk Rock Personal Development Podcast.

And to put the icing on the cake, I’ve become really open about my own mental health struggles and also really spoken out about my life as a fat woman with Rose Gold (which comes out on Thursday!)

And I’ve learned something huge through this experience:

Hiding yourself from the world not only does a great disservice to yourself, but it gives a great disservice to the world.

The world needs your story. The world needs more raw and honest stories. And you’ll be surprised just how not alone you are when you start sharing.

Like courage breeds courage, honest breeds honesty and stories breed stories.

Showing up as yourself, owning your own story is a radical thing to do, especially in this world where we’re told that only so many stories count.

Because your story does count, the same way as you matter.

You have so much to give the world. And you’re going to enjoy your life so much more where you can really step into your life and claim your spot on the stage.

Walking on Custard & My Own Mental Health Journey

Sometimes you watch or read something and it knocks the wind out of you. You wonder where it’s been all your life.

And you have a new way of understanding yourself.

And you feel less alone.

That’s what happened when I first saw Neil Hughes’ TED Talk about walking on custard and anxiety.

I’ve struggled with a toxic combination of obsessive compulsive order, anxiety and depression as long as I can remember. Some of them would come up every now again. Others, like my OCD remained consistent like the feeling you have after you eat a whole tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

I used to put it down to teenage growing pains and angst, but there’s only so far you can get into your twenties until you start realising perhaps that’s not the whole story?!

And it’s not something I’ve massively talked about publicly.

Not because I haven’t wanted to, but because some things are hard to put into words. I’ve been open here about how being an activist and needing to leave the world of activism had a huge impact on my mental health, but that’s only a bit of it.

So today I want to share with you some things that I got really good at that you didn’t know. Things that I never planned at getting good at but came free with my mental health issues, like a really shit boomerang in a kids magazine. You never wanted it but they gave you it anyway.  Some of these things are still relevant today but thankfully, on most days, these skills stay unused.

• How AMAZING I am at ignoring the weird looks people have given me when I have to check to things 21 times to the count of 7, and repeat three times.

• Fast counting in my head. SHIT I am good at that. And I’m SO good at forgetting whether I did it properly so doing it all over again. And again.

• Convincing myself I’m unable to leave the house/go to the doctors/go to the shop because I do’t feel like I’m able to

• Laughing it off really hard and convincingly when someone makes me feel like shit

• The success rate of friendships being sometimes massively affected by my mental health

• How excellent I am at creating completely hypothetical situations that involve losing the people around me

• Convincing myself that said hypothetical situations are going to happen

• Making up excuses not to shower

There was a time when I used to the fear that if people knew how great I am at those things, then things would change. Perhaps people wouldn’t listen to me? I’d be put in a box? I’d be asked who I am to talk about what I talk about when I haven’t got my own shit together.  And there was some shame. (Because shame is EVERYWHERE.)

But I know it’s important to share your shit as well as the good stuff.

And I know only too well I’m not alone in this struggle. It seems like most creatives and mission driven people struggle with their mental health at one time or another. So, thank you Neil for encouraging me to share my own story. And for being a fucking hero for sharing ways you’ve found to re-train your brain.

If you struggle with your mental health, I can’t recommend Neil’s talk enough.

And for those of you who walk on custard (now you’re curious to watch the talk!), I’m waving and shouting hello from my own sticky mess.

https://youtu.be/bM06o26PCDQ

Pep Talk: Stop Judging Yourself & Other People

This post was going to be something entirely different, but it turns out sometimes life happens and the story has to pan out before the main point becomes clear. Let me back up. I recently went to a 3 day country music festival and was in my absolute element. Seriously, if anything makes me feel like my heart is on fire and like I’m truly alive, it’s dancing, singing and foot stomping to my favourite songs. And that's exactly what I did. (Well, it wasn't quite that easy, but that's another post).

So it's coming to the last 3 songs of Carrie Underwood’s set and people are leaving. They're grabbing their bags, and heading out of the arena to avoid queues. (did I mention it was the most popular arena in the world?) And I'm thinking WHY?!

At this point, I've got an entire blog post written in my head ready to put on paper, about leaving before shit gets real, giving yourself excuses to miss the main event and missing out on epic parts of life because something more convenient came up. And I’m feeling pretty good about it.

Well. 

That was until the last night. When I had to leave early to make my last train and ended up missing out on the finale of Eric Church’s gig (cue sad face). And I thought holy shit:

A. I’m a hypocrite

B. Life isn't that fucking simple

I’d made all these presumptions about the people who had left the day before, and then it happened to me.

And it got me thinking a lot about how we judge other people without knowing their whole story and situation. Especially how we treat people when they don’t work to achieve their dreams in the way we’d approach them, or if they abandon their dreams.

When we’re in our own heads, it’s easy to make up stories and get on our dream chasing high horse, even if we’re not meaning to.

For most people, including me and you, chasing your dreams is really bloody complicated. There are SO many factors involved, there are so many different elements that go into making a decision, and choosing what path to follow.

And some elements aren’t chosen by us. Each of us have our own unique set of challenges.

We all have things in our lives that make it extremely difficult to get the work done, to find what it is we feel like we’re meant to do, and to follow our dreams.

And all of our challenges vary, and most of them are completely hidden, or at least not very obvious. (And it’s not up to us or for other people to make them completely visible.)

We don’t always have to explain ourselves to others. We’re allowed to struggle in the dark if we want to.

It may be that someone is paralysed by fear, that they don’t think they can see it all the way through. It may be that they’ve never finished anything and have yet to find the tools they need to get them over than final hurdle. Maybe they have children and balancing childcare and dream chasing is tough. Maybe they get 90% the way through and their budget is blown. Maybe the car breaks down and the savings went. Maybe they’re in poverty and savings were never an option. Perhaps someone became ill and priorities change. Perhaps the project was never serving them in the first place and they were doing it because of guilt. Maybe they have mental health problems and sometimes the biggest achievement of the day is managing to get out of bed. Maybe they have a having a chronic illness and are dealing with the daily struggles and ups and downs that comes with that. Or another one of the 986,746,735,361 other situations I could have thought up.

There are a billion reasons why people do things or don’t do things.

And you might be the most empathetic person in the world, but you’ll never know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes. 

Because you only have your own frame of reference to go by. And often, our individual frames of references can’t even begin to think of what it would look like for someone else. We make assumptions, we think about what we’d do if we were in that situation and even if our interests come from a really kind place, we end up judging.

Whatever our circumstances are, they’re all different.

And I think we can all relate this back to ourselves. 

We judge ourselves all the fucking time because we don’t take into account our own challenges.

Instead, we beat ourselves up, we tell ourselves we should be doing better and we call ourselves lazy. We convince ourselves we can’t follow things through, and wonder what the point was in the first place.

We become our own harshest critics, and then wonder why we can’t create, why we can’t follow our dreams when we’re in a place of complete self sabotage.

So this is your reminder to give yourself a break and give others a break. We won’t always know the rhyme or reason. We won’t always understand what motivates others or what stops them in their tracks. It’s hard enough to do that for ourselves

We all have challenges. And they’re complicated, messy and often uncomfortable.

Welcome to the joys of being a human.

I’d love to know what you’re doing to be kinder to yourself and how you’re giving yourself a break. Let me know in the comments!

Why You Need To Stop Reinventing Yourself (and why it's a good thing)

This is the start of a brand new chapter. 

This is a new beginning.

I’m starting my life over.

The new me begins today.

I’ve thought all of those things on lots and lots of occasions. And you know what? It’s never worked out for me. It has lasted maybe two days, and I’ve slipped, ended up feeling like shit and giving up.

Examples? Hell yes!

When I was 12, I would bulk print out all these healthy eating and confidence articles from the internet. And I would make a decision. I would start that day and would decide to be a healthy confident person. It would be a new beginning! (Didn’t work - just a lot of wasted trees unfortunately).

I went to see Mean Girls in the cinema and decided that the next day, I would be a hot version of myself and that I could have that summer camp transformation (you know that myth that in a period of six weeks, a girl grows perfectly rounded breasts, perfect hair and clear skin?) overnight. Overnight! It would be a new beginning! (Didn’t work, and now I have a much deeper appreciation of the irony in all this. I mean, I think I missed the point of the film the first time, right?!)

I started an adult job and bought a really nice bag, a professional organiser and heels. And black trousers. TROUSERS. I mean, who the fuck was I kidding?! I wanted to be a professional woman with a proper job. That’s one thing - this fantasy of me looking like I ate the Cosmo Bible for work clothes, however is quite another thing. I’m never going to look like I belong in Sex and the City, and I’d never want to.

And I’ve done the same things for morning routines, creative routines, and countless healthy eating things and other shit like that. And they’ve never worked.

I wanted to to swish my wand and erase the person I was in favour of this more attractive, more organised, more everything version of myself.

I wasn’t opening a new chapter. I didn't even want a new chapter. I wanted a new fucking book.

I wanted to become this completely different person, with new habits, new patterns and new everything.

permission to try

And while it wasn’t obvious at the time (like most things aren’t),  I was trying to change from a place of self loathing. And I was completely willing to deny the way I work, my quirks any past experiences.

And it took a long time to realise this, but it’s since I realised that the person I’ve been my whole life is still going to be there for new adventures and new experiences that things started to change. That new chapters are new chapters, and I’m way more focused on finding joy as myself, being present for new experiences and finding fun and creative ways to do everyday things.

I’m always going to be the person who has a tendency to do things last minute, to cram wayyy too much in any bag, to burst into song whenever the radio comes on, and have flyaway hair. Sure, I can find new ways of doing things, learn organisational skills, practice better time keeping, but I can’t just erase parts of me that have been that way since I can remember.

I’m always going to be dressed bright with clothes that don’t match. I’m always going to favour dry hair shampoo and an extra twenty minutes in bed. My jewellery is never going to be dainty and I’m never going to someone who’s described as graceful and quiet.

And now I wouldn’t change that for the world. But it’s taken one hell of a journey, a bucket load of self loathing and a whole lot of kindness to myself to get here.

I would perhaps change losing important post-it notes and running round the house like a Sim on fire when I got caught up singing in the shower and running late.  (Bonus secret: When I was in high school, one of my favourite things to do was to pretend to be a Sim on fire. Serious fun, right there!)

But I digress.

If you spend all of your time running towards this mythical version of yourself, the main theme of your book is going to be someone hating themselves so much the plot got lost and there wasn’t much of a story.

And you’re going to get sick of re-writing the same chapter.

Whatever shit has happened in your life, whatever you see when you look in the mirror and however other people see you - you’re you. You got yourself this far. Not the marathon, carrot eating version of yourself. Nor the bestselling author version of yourself. Not You Version 2.0, but you now.

You’ve had your own back and you’ve survived things you thought you wouldn’t.

And that’s something to be really fucking proud of you.

The past is what builds us. While there are things we would take back, experiences we would choose not to re-live, and decisions we would change, all of those things make up your foundations. You can change because of them, you can decide to live a completely different life, create your own family, you can decide to move somewhere where nobody knows you.

But you can’t run from yourself and you can’t just define yourself by things that happened in the past. The person you are right now is a culmination of all your life experiences. You’re still in the same book. There are new roads you can take, new chapters in your book, but you can’t just up and move yourself out of your own story.

And it might take a while but there’s going to be a time where you realise you can’t just change the entire book.  And learn to be okay with that.

The people you help, the work you put in the world, the conversations you have, the flecks of sunshine you leave wherever you go - they’re put there by the person who lived all of those things and had all those quirks.

Being yourself can be one of the bravest things you can do, and it’s a lifelong journey. So you might as well make it a fun one.

My bizarre morning routine (& the joys of being un-instagrammable)

I wrote a while ago about how it's okay to not be a morning person and the mystery of having a morning routine. And I still stand by that 100%. But what I have come to learn is that it is helpful to have something in place in the morning that starts you off to a good day. No, it's not about green smoothies or Insta-ing (is that a word?) your breakfast. No, it's not about getting up 2 hours early to do sun salutations.

Instead it's finding something that works for you. It's about finding something that works with how you already live your life. Something that is minimal effort but has a big effect on your day. It doesn't have to make sense to everyone else. It doesn't have to be something Oprah magazine feature worthy. It just has to be something that you can do that helps you.

Because, you know what? You know yourself better than anyone else, anyway. So stop googling the perfect morning routine, stop beating yourself up for pressing snooze a few (a dozen for me) too many times, and embrace your own madness.

With that in mind, let me share with you my morning routine. This is going to be no holds barred, so warning: reality to ensue.

(This feels pretty vulnerable, like sharing with you the colour of my knickers. (They have owls on them, they're cool).

My morning routine

An average day for me either involves working from home (or a coffee shop), blogging, doing design work and generally trying to work out how I can use my skills to make the world a better place, or involves going out to a research consultant job (completely freelance, random hours) mid-morning.

Either way, Mr. Meg is always up before me, about 6.45am and he heads off to work at 7.30am (the fact that I used to do this is pretty inconceivable to me.) The fact that I used flexi-time and usually got there half hour later than I wanted to because I convinced myself (in a very dozy state, most mornings) that I could shower, wash & blow dry my hair, feed the bunnies, have breakfast in 12 minutes however, is very conceivable.

But, I digress.

Between him getting ready and going out, I'm usually in a semi-conscious mumbling state, trying to tell Mr. Meg all about my latest dream, and after our morning hug, despite telling myself I really should get up, I doze back off to sleep.

8.15am and Mr. Meg rings on his walk to work and after muttering more shit for a while, I finally convince myself that it might be worth getting up.

Now, I want to be really honest here.

I don't arise like a fairy and skip downstairs (alert: nobody does), instead I lie in bed, check my email (a habit I'm really trying to change because it doesn't put my day off to a good start), and go downstairs to get breakfast sorted.

My breakfast is definitely not instagrammable. It involves two little pieces of toast, a tin of spaghetti and a couple of fried eggs. (Didn't I tell you that this isn't going to make sense to everyone? I probably should of added that your morning routine is probably going to actively repulse some people. Oh well. Shit happens.)

Before the spaghetti and the frying pan gets warmed up, using Podcast Addict on my phone, I start my morning properly with a podcast episode. My favourites at the moment are Raise Your Hand. Say Yes and The Joy Patrol Podcast, but on days where I can't find anything I want to listen to, I'm usually singing this Kacey Musgraves or Chris Stapleton at the top of my lungs.  That gets listened to while I simultaneously empty the dishwasher, make a cup of chai tea and sort my breakfast.

And then it's pretty simple. Podcast gets listened to. Breakfast gets eaten. And life begins to happen for the day.

Why on earth am I telling you all this?

There's a couple of reasons:

1. I'm a huge fan of honesty and being open about real life. There's this notion that everything has to be impressive, and setting an example all the fucking time. And I'm sick of it. So by showing you my not-perfect-but-perfect-for-me morning routine, I want you to feel okay about yours.
2. Because this might not seem like a great morning routine for you, but it seriously works for me. And my mornings started working for me when I started to ignore this idea that each of our mornings have to look, sound and taste a certain way. I struggle with anxiety, and some days, I'm not going to lie, it is hard to get out of bed. So having this simple morning routine helps with that. And I also find listening to a podcast in the morning really helps get my inspiration flowing, my mind working and prepares me for the day.

What does this have to do with you?

Basically this is a really long and roundabout way of saying do whatever works for you. It's permission (because don't we all need to feel like we have permission sometimes?) to do your morning however the fuck works for you.

It's not about making it impressive. It's not about having a CV/resume worthy morning routine.

It's about finding something that works for you, something that gets you inspired, or some days, something that just encourages you and helps you to partake in life.

Adult-ing is hard 

We think that everyone has it all together all-the-fucking-time but they really don't. We all believed that we'd grow up to be this magical adult human that could do all the things. But often we can't. And in a way, I'm glad I don't do all the adult things, because like what I believed when I was a child - adulthood kind of sucks. (By the way, here are 99 things you can do instead of growing up.  Essential reading, I'd say).

I'm a firm believer that courage is an everyday thing. Because life is pretty hard.

So, find a way of doing life that works for you. If that's getting up in the morning and watching Pepper Pig in your underwear while eating porridge with Nutella, then so be it. If it's suiting up, checking how the stocks are doing and calling your PA, then I think you're on the wrong website, goodbye.

You do you boo. And the rest will fall in to place.

My life in 14 songs

There are so many ways that we can tell our stories and share our stories. I've always had a big interest in storytelling, and the way we capture our lives. So, with that in mind, I thought I'd share you my life in 14 songs:

The Childhood Years

1. Yesterday Once More - Carpenters

Let's start with the very beginning (if you got the Sound of Music reference there, high five!). Apart from The Fugee's Killing Me Softly, this song was my favourite childhood song. I remember singing it at the top of my voice whenever the radio played and singing it to an assembly in school of 150 other children when I was about five. Present me thinks that's a pretty kick ass thing to do, but past me didn't think twice!

Notable lyrics as I think I became the song:

'When I was youngI'd listen to the radioWaitin' for my favorite songs When they played I'd sing alongIt made me smile.'

2. Jolene - Dolly Parton

This song is literally my jam. If I'm doing karaoke, this is the first song I'll find and belt out. Sometimes we need stability in life and that's exactly what this song does for me. I've always loved it and always will love it. It's one of those great rally cry songs which is great if you're in a great or a shit mood. Though I have always had a bit of a problem with these lyrics:

'I had to have this talk with youMy happiness depends on youAnd whatever you decide to do, Jolene'

Seriously Dolly, you don't need a man, trust me.

3. (There's Got to Be) More to Life - Stacie Orrico

I think I've always known deep down that I'm a bit of a rebel. I remember feeling oppressed by school and feeling like I was missing something in my life. I always wanted to be writing, drawing; creating my own stuff and living life on my own terms . The first time I heard this song, I remember thinking Yes! This is me!  but also really struggling because I knew there was more to life, but not knowing what it was. In the last couple of years, as I've started rejecting society's version of success (money, material wealth, 9-5 jobs) as much as I can, I've really come to understand what the 'more' means to me. The 'more' in my life is choosing time over anything else, doing things that fill me with joy, and refusing to fit in a box constructed by someone who doesn't know me.

There's gotta be more to lifeThan chasing down every temporary highTo satisfy me 'cause the more that I'mTrippin' out, thinkin' there must be more to lifeWell, there's life but I'm sure there's gotta be moreI'm wanting more

4.  I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker (With Flowers in My Hair) - Sandy Thom

Oh, I love this song, it basically sums up all my beliefs, ever!  It really plays to my idealism and hippy ideas about how the world is run. I always believed I was born in the wrong era - I wanted to be young during the swingin' sixties and the conscious political activism and era of disco. What can I say? I was young in the 90s. I'd choose Blondie & The Bee Gees over Fatboy Slim any day!

I was born too late into a world that doesn't careOh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

The Teenage Emo Years

5.  Ladder In My Tights - Amy Studt

As a teenager, I couldn't go anywhere without Amy Studt playing in the background. When I was about 15, I attempted to start a zine called Broccoli that was going to fly the flag of being a freak and being proud. I've always been proud of not conforming, but it hasn't come without its challenges. Turns out rocking up at school with long socks, Doc Martens and a frog umbrella isn't the recipe for a peaceful time in school...

It wasn't even done in the Hey look at me! I'm quirky! kind of way that you get now. Just a desire to dress how I wanted, regardless of what other people thought, and a damn good way of flipping the bird at life!

Most relatable lyrics:

Oh if I just had a little more time:I'd show you the world is so much better when you find you don't fit, There's a ladder in your tights,Who gives a uh, If whoops you aint shiny and perfect.

6. I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance

Literally the epitome of teen angst. Everyone tends to have that one song that sums up their frustrations with the world. This is mine (with thousands of other people the same age as me, I'm sure). Any anger at the world? This solved it. Still does!

Well, I'm not okayI'm not o-fucking-kay!!

7. Run - Snow Patrol

There's got to be a soppy one in this list, right? I met Mr Meg when I was twelve, online via a penpal website. We met in person aged 15 and have been together ever since. We spent a good 6 years in a long distance relationship before moving in together, travelling a couple of hours to see each other several weekends a month. This was our song. Puppy love right there! It still gives me goosebumps to this day. To me, this song is like a blanket, hot water bottle and cocoa all in one.

Light up, light upAs if you have a choiceEven if you cannot hear my voiceI'll be right beside you dear

Late Teens - Graduation

8. Given Up - Linkin Park

So, university was a weird time for me. While I relished having new-found freedom, learning to cook and starting my habit of going to bed stupid o'clock in the morning, there were parts which were pretty shit. The first year I moved away from home, I lived in a flat with people I didn't like, and the feeling was mutual. Looking back now, I can tell I was really depressed, and the whole experience was just a big disappointment. I just seriously struggled to fit in. BUT, one of the biggest moments of satisfaction in my life, was the day I moved out of that shit hole (literally). I remember it being 8am and the fresher's ball had been the night before. My flatmates kept me up all the time coming in drunk and just being dicks quite frankly. So I thought I'd get my payback early in the morning, an hour before I was due to be gone for good, and play this at top volume. Mix it with a hefty hangover and you can imagine my flatmates were pretty fucking pissed. Meg 1 - Life 0.

No notable lyrics. Just imagine waking up to this full blast with a sub woofer.

 9. Wake Up - Arcade Fire

This song gives me chills every single time I listen to it. It sums up my attitude to life. There's something about the epic build up that makes me feel set on fire. The feeling I get when I listen to foot stomping music, and songs with huge build ups? That's happiness to me - feeling like you're unstoppable, invincible and giving everything you've got to life and following your dreams. That's a huge part of what That Hummingbird Life is about, and a feeling that I strive for every day.

This one is worth a video:

https://youtu.be/5OmMPaLmxKg

10. Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen - Baz Luhrmann

Imagine the best life advice you could ever receive bundled up in one song. Just listen. This marked a turning in my life, where I started to look after myself, pay attention to my own needs, and just be proud of owning who I was.

https://youtu.be/sTJ7AzBIJoI

Early Twenties - Present Day

11. Warrior - Ke$ha

I was really lucky in that when I was graduating, I had a really great job that I loved. After my contract was up, I spent a couple of months unemployed, in that post-graduation depression, looking for fulfilling work but not settling on the first thing.

I landed a perfect job in less that idea circumstances. Let's just say it didn't work out and I left the job with my self-esteem at rock bottom, deflated and disillusioned. Also I felt like I had had the life knocked right out of me. I started more jobs to leave only feeling an emphasised version of the first one.

Music really helped me get through a lot of things at this point in my life. I needed to be reminded that I was alive, and the situation I was in was temporary. I needed to build myself back up, in order to become the person I am today. I needed to remind myself I was a warrior. And we all need that reminder sometimes.

Now this is our time,Our generation,And we're impatient.Animals you ready to fight?Fight for the fuck ups,Stand up for true love,We'll never give up.Live like it's our last night alive.

12. Chandalier - SIA

Amidst that time, I really started struggling. I reached complete burn out a couple of times, and seriously worried that I would never get back to myself. I had no energy, my health forced me to take time off work and let's just say, things weren't pretty. I was really struggling with my mental health. I was seriously struggling in general. I felt like a fragile shell of who I used to be and I needed to get out the situation I was in but too scared to leave. On the outside my life looked perfect - dream job, lovely house, wonderful parter, but inside shit was hitting the fan. Apart from Mr. Meg, who has been my rock, everything was falling apart. I hadn't yet made the mindset shift into acknowledging that looking after yourself isn't selfish, and slowing down is good for you. This song took a lot of that pain away, and I'd listen to it when I needed to escape and let go.

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes

13. Can't Hold Us - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft Ray Dalton

If you're ever struggling with what you're meant to do in the world, saying no to convention or need a boost, I encourage you to go listen to The Heist, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' album. Despite feeling that everything was falling apart, I always kept a glimmer of hope. I knew it would all work out in the end. I didn't know how, I didn't know when, but I just had a feeling. I learned this song off by heart, and used it as my compass. Things were going to get better and nothing was going to hold me back. I'd started to think that I could make it on my own, and around this time, I'd decided to start something bigger than myself. It was around this time that That Hummingbird Life was born.

Looking for a better way to get up out of bedInstead of getting on the Internet and checking a new hit me.Get up! Fresh out, pimp strut walking, little bit of humble, little bit of cautious

14. American Kids - Kenny Chesney

And here I am! It's been an adventure so far to say the least. This song fills me with joy. I've let go of so much shit was was holding me down. I moved to London and am now saving to go travelling and I'm just so excited about the future. Everything about this song reminds me of who I am, who I'm meant to be, and where I want to go. I don't even know what it is about this song. The lyrics don't mean anything to me. I think it's just how it makes me feel young, free and like the world is my oyster. The video? That's how I feel.

A little messed up, but we're all alright

https://youtu.be/de1aPKXBdAE

I hope you enjoyed learning about my life in 14 songs. The process was really therapeutic and I'd encourage everyone to try a list like this out for yourself. It tells your life story in a way that you might not have framed it before. And that's pretty fucking powerful. If you've done this before, or are going to write your own list, let me know about it in the comments - I'd love to see how you find it!

You can listen to the 14 songs as a playlist below!

The links between grief and change

I’m sat in my dining room, just under four weeks before I move to London, looking out of the patio doors and I feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. This isn’t new. Since making the decision to leave my house and everything I know and chasing my dream of living a life on my terms and travelling, this has happened a lot.

That’s the thing they don’t tell you when you go to chase your dreams, or you make a big change in your life: sometimes the things you once took for granted become sources of sentimentality, and the very things you’re looking to escape regain their appeal.

It honestly feels a lot like grief.

And here’s the thing.

I’m pretty sure that grieving is an essential part of any change.

I left my job because it wasn’t making me happy. It was a job that a couple of years ago, I would have bet the winning lottery ticket on it being my dream job.  But it wasn’t, and I grieve that loss of something I had my heart set on.

I moved into this house thinking that I’d be in it for years to come, and my children would grow up in this house. I spent a lot of time making it beautiful and making it ‘us’. I looked forward to the family life.

I’ve spent the last two months wandering around my house knowing that I’m giving it all up. I’m giving up a lot of my personal space, personal possessions, and what I thought would be my dream lifestyle.

I do know that I’m gaining a lot more by leaving, but sometimes it’s hard to see that. I’m living somewhere surrounded by people I love and things I love, and sometimes I feel bad in wanting to give that up.

What works for you

But there’s one thing I’ve come to learn about myself - I only like stability if it’s short term and I can see I have options. The minute I think that something’s going to be the same way for a very long time, I start to feel trapped.

A lot of people around me don’t get that. I think they want what most families want - stability, security, comfort and same-ness. Sure, adventure is fun, but it comes with risks, the unknown, and unpredictably.

For the first time in my life, I’m not rigidly planning for what’s coming round the corner. I know travelling is on the cards, but we haven’t got firm plans. I don’t know if I’m going to be working when I get to London, and what job I will have.

I don’t know how I’m going to feel living a couple of hours away from my family and friends, especially when I’ve got a lot going on at home at the moment.

I don’t know what the future’s going to hold for me. I might decide to move to a different country. I may not. I might decide to live my life as a nomad. I may come home desperately wanting a family.

The thing I cling onto in moments like this is that the catalyst for this big move was wanting a drastic change in my life. I’m craving for more of the same right now, but it’s the same that’s been keeping me up unhappy at night.

But the dreams I’m chasing are the ones that keep me up at night, too excited to sleep. And that’s worth remembering.

Hold onto your dreams

So if you find yourself grieving while you’re making a big change in your life, hold onto the reasons why you’re making the change as tight as you can. And believe that everything will turn out just fine.

Because it will.

And no dream is worth giving up on, even if the road to your dreams is bumpy, full of twists and sharp bends. Because that road? It will take you to places you couldn’t have dreamt of, and sights and people you’ll remember all your life.

What happens when you make a change from a place of hope, not fear

I talked a while ago on here about being guilty of future tripping. Getting so lost in what we want to do in the future, and not focusing on the present. I also mentioned that I had big changes which I would share when I was ready. And I'm ready.

Turning my life upside down

In December, I handed in my notice to my permanent job. In January, I handed in my notice on my house. And in March, I'm going to be moving to London in with my other half's family for a while, to save up to go travelling.

I have literally turned my life upside down, and it’s pretty fucking terrifying.

I have moments where I just sit here and think when the hell did I get so brave. I also have times where the more rational side of me comes out wonders what the hell I'm doing.

But you know what? I'm going to be honest - my life situation - up until the I made the decision to really shake shit up - hasn't been serving me.

I'd been thinking about a change for a long time, but I was just too scared to jump. And when I say jump, the options I saw available to me were changing my job, and moving somewhere cheaper. They weren’t both, and moving across the country, and making my dreams of travelling a reality.

All that time thinking about the need to shake things up, I was seriously scared of change. I'd rather be miserable most of the time than take a leap into the unknown.

Sobbing and decisions

One evening in December, I just came home and sobbed. I felt really trapped. The realisation that we'd got a house which was beautiful, but was putting a lot of pressure on us financially and limiting our choices was starting to dawn on me. And the situation I was in employment wise just wasn't serving me anymore, and was simply making me miserable.

The two main and concrete things I had made clear decisions on in my life - where to live and where to work, were just draining

me.

But it wasn’t as movie-like as it sounds like - as if a rock just fell on my head and I woke up to face the music.

It was a long time coming, and it was an evening of really painful desperation, clinging onto any hope of things changing I could get.

It had always been my dream to go travelling and I’d started to believe it was never going to happen. The years were creeping by and I was putting it off for security, something I thought I wanted.

And security became a great excuse for not acting on my dreams, and staying in shit situations that I knew weren’t good for me.

A lot of the motivation for change came from knowing that the only thing stopping me was me

Fear's been what's kept me in my situation longer than was good for me.

I was only able to make the active decisions from a place of real hope rather than out of fear.

Taking risks

Yeah, of course it was a risk handing in my notice on both my job and my house, but luckily we're in the situation where we've got families who are being really emotionally supportive and won't see us homeless.

And I'm completely aware that if it wasn't for that, then our options would have been much more limited, and we're really lucky to have such supportive people around us.

But thankfully, it’s all worked out.

Panic number one has been handled regarding what’s going to happen to my beautiful bunnies. Thankfully they’ll be going to live with my Mum and Dad who love them more than me (I’m kidding, I think!) and who really need some bunny love in their lives.

As for the rest, and future panics, I’m prepared.

I handed in my notice early to have all of February to sort things out without stressing, and it’s working. I’ve got a long list of things to do, but they’re not all house related. I’ve got time to read books I’ve been wanting to read, as well as having time to bubble wrap things and sort through junk.

February is seriously busy for me, and I’ve also got a lot of illness in my family right now, and things are really hard.

But I know if I don’t do this now, I don’t know if I will.

And it’s exciting. But also sad (I’ll go more into that in future posts).

So that's why I've been a bit quiet lately. I've really missed blogging. It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to, but because things in my life are changing in such a big way.

I’m looking forward to keeping you guys updated, and living what I write about.

[Tweet "Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way and take another look at our dreams and really believe in them."]

Shit storms & silver linings

This post is part of Mary Sabo's wonderful Misfortune Into Opportunity blog tour. Be sure to check out her blog tour for great stories made out of hope and heart. I like to find silver linings. I’d say I’m a pretty optimistic person and my smile tends to eat up (more than) half my face. When things go wrong I tend to find the positive, do what I’ve got to do, then move on.

But while I like to see the positive, I’m a firm believer that we we learn lessons when we’re ready. And that time is usually when we’re out of the shitstorm enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sitting with the shit

Sometimes, bad situations just call for sitting with the shit, not forcing a rainbow/silver lining before you’re ready and just riding it out.

That’s definitely been the case for quite a few occasions in my life where things haven’t gone to plan. And during those times, they all felt shit. They made me want to curl up in a ball, get under my duvet and cry with sadness/frustration/anger.

And for the most part, I did.

The one where I got turned away from a job for being too passionate - Hah, this is a good one. I went for a job as a mental health support worker, and had missed getting it by a ridiculously small margin. When I asked for feedback, they eventually told me I was too passionate and that some might think it was ‘over the top’.

So what did I do? My boss at the time gave me her car keys and let me sit in her car while I cried my eyes out.

And a couple of days later, I realised that my passion is my strength, and if other people have a problem with it, we’re probably not suited.

The one where I ended up on my own in another country - to cut a very long story short, I was meant to be visiting a friend who had moved to Switzerland but it didn’t work out. I ended up making the decision to go anyway, and booked myself in a cheap hostel for a couple of days, despite being terrified and not in a great place myself. So I got on that plan, got to my hostel, found a cute little cafe, got a hot chocolate (which was gross) and felt really sorry for myself.

Looking back now, some time later, I can see that my trip to Geneva was a huge stepping stone in me starting to enjoy time alone. I actually really enjoyed having time to myself, and since that trip, I’ve made sure that alone-time is now a staple part of my week, in order to energise, process things and just breathe.

The one where I spent three weeks angry - I went to Ghana a couple of years ago, with a large non profit organisation on water project. We worked in a remote village, and spent the first couple of days working with the people of the village, asking them what they thought was the solution for the lack of clean water in their village. Even though none of them wanted it, the organisation made a decision to build a rain water harvesting system. And we were much less equipped with the tools to build it, than the local tradespeople. (That and we were told to go and convince the people in the village that they were wrong about spirits living in their river, beliefs that had been passed through generations).

I remember phoning my partner, ranting about the whole experience and sitting with how demoralised and let down I felt.

But I learned one of the biggest lessons of all: helping people is about working with them with the tools they already have, and building up their toolbox.

Three different experiences.

They all felt like shit at the time. And I sat with the shit, and when I was ready, the lesson appeared.

With time away from the experiences, I can see all of those memories from a different angle. I had the time away from them, I’ve got through them, and been changed by them. Looking at them from a place where I’ve learned valuable lessons, I can say they are worth going back and re-living the experiences again for.

Framing misfortune as opportunity is a great way to grow and learn about yourself, but it’s also something that often comes after the experience. Sometimes long after.

At the time, it’s often best to sit with the shit.

[Tweet "Instead of suppressing things and minimising bad experiences, acknowledge that you’re feeling shit, allow yourself to feel shit, and own that shit!"]

Look out for silver linings, but if you can’t find one, that’s ok. You’ll see that glimmer of opportunity when you least expected it, and these are sometimes the most valuable things to learn of all.

What silver linings have come out of your own shitstorms? I'd love to hear all about it in the comments!

A few words about changing the world

Let me take you back four years. I’m a student. I’ve discovered my loud and powerful voice. I’ve discovered positive outlets for all of the injustices I had spent my teenage years trying to change.

I’m living, breathing, eating and sleeping my passions (largely tackling violence against women and poverty. Bedtime reading anyone?).

I’ve covered my room with related leaflets, postcards, posters, everything I read, everything I listen to, all of the activities I do, heck, all of the essays I write for university all link back to violence against women.

SHIT VS RAINBOWS WEB

If I watch something on TV, it has to be related to social justice, if I go see a band, it’s not only for their music, but because of their ties to a wider social justice issue.

I spend hours reading the news, and hours beating myself up because I can’t effect the change I wanted to.

I think you’ve got the picture.

I felt that the passion was my identity. It became me.

And it really wore me down. I was constantly surrounding myself with bad news. I took no time to nourish or nurture myself.

I was burning out, and I was burning out fast. I was giving everything to the cause and nothing for myself. Not only was it not sustainable, it wasn’t desirable.

I was living a guilty existence. Through desiring change so much, I had unwittingly placed the world on my shoulders.

When I went to bed, I would think of all the suffering around the world, all of the problems much bigger than myself, all of the issues around the world I had no answers for, and feel so small. So powerless.

I would look at all I had achieved, which was a lot, and I would see it as a tiny drop in the ocean. It was a tiny drop in the ocean, but my perspective was way off.

I wouldn’t see the joy I brought to the world, I wouldn’t see the people I had helped. I was looking through the world and cutting out everything I had done.

I was seeing the shit without seeing the rainbows.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun along the way. I learned to find my voice, I met amazing people,I learned to develop strong communities, I learned to campaign.

But while a lot of the things I did made me feel alive, they also made me feel remarkably small. The value that I held for myself as a person was overshadowed by the things I couldn’t achieve.

I couldn’t separate myself away from the cause. It had become me. Where did I begin and where did my passions end?

Where was the time for me?

It’s only been within the last two years that my perspective has started to shift.

It doesn’t mean that I’ve ceased caring.

Now I can see the bigger picture. Now I value myself enough to look after myself while trying to change things.

I can see that the only way I’m going to change things in a positive way, is if I start small, I do it while doing things I love, and I look after myself.

I have always grown up with the desire to change the world. I’ve always been conscious of the time I have here and wanting to leave a legacy. I don’t think that will ever change.

But I know, that as I grow and travel through life, my definition of changing the world has changed, it will change, and will be ever evolving.

Baby-28

And I wouldn’t have it any other way. If you like what you just read, sign up to my Weekly Shindig & Sunday Self-Care Check-Ins for exclusive posts, ideas and tips (and maybe a free worksheet every now and then!)