Transparency & Privilege: A Call To Action For Online Business Owners And Creatives

There’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now, which I’ve struggled to put into words and felt pretty nervous to write about. And if online businesses and blogging have taught me anything, it’s that when you feel like that, that’s *exactly* when you should be hitting publish and starting the conversation.

So here’s what I’ve been wanting to talk about:

Putting all our cards on the table and being transparent about our circumstances (and our privileges) when working online.

I remember when I was starting out - blogging, building an online business, freelancing - how much I bought into the myths of passive income, earning six figures within your first year and life becoming a beautiful Instagram feed. Mainly because it was EVERYWHERE. And when you’re provided with enough proof, sometimes the sceptic in you bites the bullet and decides to take it on (even if only partially) as truth.

I also remember that when I was starting out, I was in a pretty dark place and was looking for an alternative. I hated my job and I started to wonder about different ways of doing things, and that’s how I stumbled upon the online business world. I fell in love with the idea of lifestyle design, building a business around your passions and using your skills and strengths to build a life you love. And I’m still in love with those things. But I also discovered the empire that is online business gurus and the art of making ‘easy’ money online.

It was really exciting, and I know I’m not alone in this. A lot of people come across this whole world of online business and content creating from a similar place: hating the job they have, feeling unfulfilled and in the midst of an existential crisis or looking for a way to combine their strengths, skills and talents in a way that not only brings in an income, but makes the world a brighter place.

But when you’re going through a shit time, you’re more vulnerable than normal. You’re more susceptible than normal to really buying into this projected idealised life, because you want SO bad to believe it’s true. And an awful lot of marketers will try to capitalise on that. (I’ve also learned that there are also wonderful people doing great things about ethical marketing, running a business and selling).

Now, I’m really not judging - it’s certainly been one of my stories.

But three years down the line, I don’t feel that way, and I’ve woken up to smell the bullshit. While there are some great resources out there to help you build an authentic and ethical business, they definitely seem to be in the minority.

The online business world in general is very different. It has become a lot more nuanced than just showing beautiful women with laptops on a beach in Australia and the idealised life is being perpetuated even more (I wrote more in more depth about the nuances here).

Now, instead of being framed as a possible alternative, the story has changed. Instead, a lot of people in the industry are selling this whole starting your online business thing with an unwritten pact of promises. You can have your website up within a matter of days, start selling from day one, and work your way to Passive Income Paradise within your first month, right?

Welllllll…

It’s not that you can’t earn a good income from your online business, have a really fulfilling career and love the work you do. You can. And people do.

But a lot of people starting out on this path, a lot of the experts?

People can be pretty creative about what they omit from their stories.

It’s now increasingly easy to believe that everyone who has an online business is traditionally successful, is able to provide a full-time income for themselves, and dedicate their working life to building it.

But the truth is that a lot of the people that we all assume have it all figured out are doing it on the side as a part-time gig or still have a full-time job.

And there is nothing wrong with that. I repeat, there is nothing wrong with that.

The problem for me comes in deliberately not mentioning their circumstances. They’re not lying  - it’s just that a certain amount of truths have been…missed out.

It’s just that it’s not as simple or easy as people would make you believe, and there are certain things you need: extra time, energy, money and space to develop. And those things are privileges.

And most of the people online work really fucking hard. We make sacrifices, we make hard decisions and it’s far from a walk in the park. But we don’t talk about those things because they’re not as glamorous and we fear we’ll turn people off or look like a fraud.

But the opposite is true.  

It’s exactly when we project this glamorous image that the problems start.

The comparison starts, the expectations get higher, and people start to believe that they don’t have what it takes to be successful and that it’s never going to happen.

But it’s  when we start talking about our real circumstances and sharing our stories, instead of turning people off, we do the opposite. We reassure them, help them to feel less alone and give them the courage to keep going.

I can’t really blame those who don’t share the whole story, especially in a world where you’re supposed to be an expert and reputation is everything.

And I get it. It can be embarrassing -  shame-inducing even - to go on the record and be really honest about your behind the scenes, especially when it doesn’t match up to those widely perpetuated ideals.

But I think the power of telling your truths and sharing your real life stories are more important than pride or appearing like you have all your shit together (no one does).

It’s important in terms of genuine and authentic leadership and helping pave the path for the people who are just getting started. No one wants to have to wade through piles of bullshit before they even get to stage one.

Now, before you start worrying, this isn’t a call to arms for everyone to publish their income reports, every failure they’ve ever had and the colour of the knickers they happen to be wearing today. Sometimes it isn’t professional to share everything. It’s just not appropriate for some businesses.

Instead it’s a call to action to stop perpetuating the bullshit, and getting more conscious about what we put out there and what we omit.  

It’s a call to action to start having internal conversations about our privileges and how we let them play out in the way we show up online.

It’s a call to action to start thinking about what ideals and values we’re perpetuating, and whether we’re happy with what we’re showing. Both on social media and the conversations we have with our audiences, clients, customers and supporters.

It’s a call to action to stop giving such a wide platform and listening to those people who intentionally or not perpetuate those ideas.

It’s a call to actions to be proud and open about the way you’re building your business, and the circumstances you’re in. If you’re building your business (whatever that means to you) on the side, or you have a loving partner who’s helping you out financially while you get things stable, tell people about it. They’ll want to support you, and will eagerly be following along with your journey to see how things are going.

Together we HAVE to stop holding up this prescribed picture and start having the difficult conversations and get honest about our privileges.

I think if we can start to be transparent about our circumstances, then we can start to change the narrative.

And because I believe in walking the talk, I’ll go first. (Yes, this is scary). Here are my circumstances.

Along with That Hummingbird Life, I’m a graphic designer, working with wonderful doers, makers and world shakers to create colourful and quirky brands. Right now, graphic design,  is my main income, with THL starting to provide an income through coaching.

For the past two years I’ve been living with Mr. Meg’s family which has meant my overheads, both business wise and personal wise, have been much lower. This has allowed me to extend my options of how I work, and how I can focus on building and playing the long game. We’re moving next April, so a lot of plans need to come into fruition to provide the sustainable and predictable income I will need when going back to renting. Mr. Meg is traditionally employed with a regular pay-check, and I would be lying if I said this didn’t provide a safety net. It provides a lot of reassurance and I have little fear of being in a situation where I’m not able to meet my basic needs.

Couragemakers (and content creation for That Hummingbird Life) doesn’t bring in an income, and I’m passionate about remaining independent and advert free. Right now, I’m looking into Patreon as a way to both give Couragemaker listeners more value and build a community and to have the podcast bring in some money.

I’ve got a lot of plans to develop encouraging and rebel-rousing projects and products, and it’s my hope that I’m going to be starting to release them soon. Right now, I’m in the process of figuring out my project and product schedule through to the new year. I know that there’s no such thing as passive income and that marketing will be a huge part of making this work, so I’m also learning about ethical selling and what will feel good to both Couragemakers and myself.

I write a lot about dream-chasing and putting the things only you can do into the world.  I think transparency is the way forward when it comes to dream chasing, talking about how we’re working towards our dreams and the circumstances that let us invest energy and time into them. I always strive to be bullshit-free in everything I do, and it’s my hope that this post can start the conversation about being transparent online and standing behind our truths with pride.

So tell me, Couragemakers - what is your story? What are you afraid to be transparent about? What do you think could change if you got really honest about your stories? Let me know in the comments below!

Dear the Online Business/Blogging World. It's time we addressed the bullshit.

If you are a creative, a blogger, a business owner or a one person band and you're feeling overwhelmed, you're going to want to read this!  I am pissed off.

Blogging and generally being online started as a way of expressing ourselves. Limited customisation options, and it was all about the writing and actually connecting to other people and forming communities. Then it became that + having a pretty blog. Then social media got involved. And then multi-purposing our content for things like Periscope. Then webinars. Then…

Am I the only person who thinks this is a bit ridiculous?

Don't get me wrong, I'm a multipassionate person, and I like the variety, but seriously??

What started off as a need to tell stories, find common ground and express yourself has ended up as this completely saturated marketing ploy where if you struggle you're told to just outsource, or if you don't do ALL THE THINGS, you're told you'll never get anywhere.

And it's pretty fucking impossible to keep up with.

I'm actually sad about all the people who have valuable experiences and stories to share who end up giving up pretty quickly because of the ridiculous amount of things they feel they're expected to do.

Shit, I know I’ve felt like giving up before.

And it's really fucking hard to not cave into the pressure.

Especially when you have noise from EVERYWHERE telling you what to do to grow your audience, how to increase your traffic, how to get more exposure, how to grow your email list.

And when you raise your hand and admit you're overwhelmed (which I don't think enough of us do), we're met with the same answer. Outsource. Or we’re told we haven’t implemented one of ‘the strategies’ properly. Or some other bullshit.

Not everybody can afford to outsource. And not everyone wants to. While it's great that tools exist for Bootstrappers to DIY everything themselves, I wonder how helpful it actually is, or if it's actually just piling more things for us to do that takes us a way from the work that really matters.

And not all of us want to use the exact same marketing ploy or create identical products with slightly different wording.

Blogging and being a creative has gone from sharing your experiences, your stories and your life to this three person full time job.

If you follow the advice of popular bloggers, people who have a business which is all about making money online, and people who blog about blogging, then there's this enormous expectation to do ALL. THE. FUCKING. THINGS.

And I worry about the online community of bloggers and writers as a whole. If we're spending minimal time writing, a massive amount of time promoting, scheduling, creating social media images and the rest of it, we don't have much time to look up and notice what other people are doing. And that doesn't make for a healthy community. That makes for a pretty fucking narcissistic one.

We spend so much time trying to keep up with the gazillion tasks we've already got to do, that most of the things we end up consuming are sales emails in our inbox.

And how on earth can we be inspired in this environment?

While we’re running around like a blue assed fly feeling like the Worst Creative Business/Blog Owner Ever, we’re forgetting that most of the businesses trying to have the same impact that we want have TEAMS. Remember that forgotten word? In very few other industries do you have one person who is responsible for ALL of the strategy, writing, marketing, graphic design, social media management, administration, book keeping, and goodness knows how many other things. Many other industries find the idea of one person being able to do all of this laughable.

(And no, this is not a call for outsourcing, I’m just laying on the table just how much we’re expecting ourselves to do)

Yet without even properly realising it, we take all of this on as if it's completely normal and THEN feel bad when we don't get it all done.

We try to be everywhere all the time and in some industries, some of the ways we’re convinced to try and get clients, get an audience etc would be seen as outright predatory. We’re almost taught to forget that our audience and our clients are real life people with real life passions and problems, and not just a number problem to solve on Twitter or email lists. And as creatives, when everything becomes ALL about the numbers and the analytics, then shit starts to become very boring, very quickly.

And we’re convinced that we have to be on Instagram, Twitter, Periscope, Facebook, Facebook groups, Snapchat, Pinterest, and - countless others I've not heard - of all the time. You really don’t. What you do have to do is live your life as well. And living your life doesn't have to look like being on your laptop until your eyes feel funny, moving onto Netflix for a quick break, maybe a nap and back to your laptop. And yes, I've been there more times than I'd like to admit.

The people you're probably reading who are telling you all about what you NEED to be doing? Chances are, a lot of them have staff. A lot of them outsource. A lot of them aren't staying up until their eyes physically feel like they can't take it anymore watching yet another webinar or signing up for another free checklist. No, they actually get sleep (remember what that is?). And make actual money. And yes they might have been in your position once, but I don't think the expectations were so high when they started out. In fact I think they've been instrumental in helping raise these impossible expectations. It’s kind of convenient, isn’t it?

Most of this bullshit is about making money. Not about helping people, or being really honest or sharing your story to make people feel less alone. Fuck, it felt like that went a LONG time ago. The people who believe that (like me) are called endearing or naive and told to have a better business brain. Values seem to have gone out of the window a long time ago. I mean, for fuck's sake, don't write about your experiences or your life, please, flat lay all the stationary on your desk instead.

And let’s face it, a lot of this feels like Mean Girls 2.0.

What I'm really trying to say is that the blogging/online business world needs to chill the fuck out.

If you are a one person business/blogger/creative entrepreneur, whatever you like to call yourself, you have to stop somewhere.

You are one person - a pretty amazing person at that - and you have to have a life as well.

No one is going to be inspired or moved to action with whatever you put out there if you're too fucking tired to think, or if your heart isn't in it. And no one’s going to care what you do if you treat them as another number or a problem to solve instead of someone who you genuinely want to help.

And frankly, your audience wouldn't want you pushing yourself to exhaustion creating content for them. And if they wouldn't care either way, perhaps you're doing it for the wrong people.

Why did you start the work you were doing? What was your reason?

Go back to the beginning and examine how you can achieve your mission while thriving at the same time.

Because I'm guessing it didn't involve sitting through hours of trainings and webinars and fuck knows what other things we've been told we MUST have or do. (Let me ask you this - when was the last time you actually implemented any of that stuff instead of going straight onto the next training?)

If you're starting out and you're feeling overwhelmed, I don't blame you. Because it's a space full of people trying to get you to pay your fee for the London marathon before you can walk. And a space full of so many huge and ridiculous expectations that you’ve got people panicking because they published their first blog post twelve days ago and haven’t made five figures yet. (I mean, please). That does not make you a failure, people.

And if you started out a while ago and still feel overwhelmed - hi.

If you’re feeling way too overwhelmed and like packing it in, create some space for yourself. Turn down the noise and filter your social media feeds so you’re not seeing all of these things you feel like you should be doing all the time. Unsubscribe to the millions of sales emails and concentrate on the people that provide you genuine value because they want to, instead of click baiting and guilting you into buying their product. Find the people in your niche that align with your values and stick with them. Make connections, struggle together. Promote your stuff in a way that feels good to you and doesn’t make you feel like a shitty person. Find a way to make it totally you and defend that with everything you have.

It’s a huge online world out there, and a whole lot of it feels like it’s designed to make you feel stupid, designed to make you feel like you have to be doing SO much more than you already are, and if you’re looking for confirmation that you should be doing more, then you’re always going to find it. So much of this shit is designed to make you do anything and everything for you to part with your hard earned cash.

So instead of giving time to the people who don’t really care about anything other than what’s in your wallet or filling their own purpose, give to yourself instead.

Please, for the love of all things, start creating.

Get off  Facebook, stop adding keywords to your blog posts for a second and please start creating. Start building the things that only you can build. Get stuck in the flow and let the hours pass like seconds because you’re so absorbed. Go to bed with a full heart, excied to get going again, instead of feeling inflated and like you didn’t achieve much that mattered.

Try not to get bogged down in the little things. Because a lot of this shit we beat ourselves up is exactly that.

I can guarantee that when you look back on your life, you would have preferred to have had a full life instead of a full buffer feed.

You my friend, have so much to give the world. You don’t need all this brain clutter. At some point we started trusting google and anyone who called themselves an expert more than ourselves, and that is some scary shit right there. You have all the answers you need inside you to make the work that matters in the world. And in the areas you feel like you could use more input and knowledge, pay attention to the people whose values align with yours and genuinely want to help you.

Make friends online instead of frenemies, stop comparing yourself to everyone else you come across and instead when you find something you really value - let that person know. That person’s website you keep clicking back to and it makes you feel bad? Stop.

And instead of focusing on follower numbers and engagement stats, focus on each individual person who gives a shit about what you do. When someone takes time to read what you write, to give feedback, to look at your work and gets inspired from something you did? That’s where the magic lies, and how fucking amazing is that you did that? That's a huge honour. You have the power to inspire, to empower and make someone’s day, hell - even change their life. Shouldn’t that really be the focus?

You have epic shit to put into the world and it’s time to start creating it, in the way only you can.

Have fun, get creative, and be intentionally and unapologetically you.

The world needs YOU. And it’s waiting.

I know I'm not alone in how I feel - I'd love to hear your experiences and your thoughts and how you're navigating the online world. Let's start a conversation in the comments!

Challenge: Shake things up & do something different

It's so easy get caught up in being so busy that everything else falls to the sideline. Especially when it comes to what we do in our downtime, when we have some. And it's so easy to get so caught up in managing the unique challenges that all of us have, that life can end up feeling really stagnant and we can end up feeling like we're trapped in groundhog day.

That could look like cooking the same meals every week, having an evening routine that gets stale (food, TV, bed) or occupying our days with the same things even though we know we'd prefer to be doing something else.

So I have a challenge for you this week: do something different. 

Challenge - Shake It Up & Do Something Different

If you love cooking and the weekly menu is looking a bit dire, find a new recipe. If you love reading but you've found yourself just binge-watching Netflix, find a book that you can't wait to read. If you find yourself checking emails endlessly at night, take email off your phone (I've just done this. Game changer) and instead actually relax. If you spend time looking through Pinterest looking at beautiful craft projects, start one.

So much of the time we get stuck in routines that are comfortable but don't make us particularly happy. But you can change that.

I don't mean making up the most elaborate bed time routine in the world (Meditation/Green Tea/Candles/ETC). What I mean is doing just one simple thing differently which is going to make you smile by the time you end the day.

That could be starting your day dancing around the room or chair dancing to your favourite smile. Reading a quote by your favourite author during a break. Picking a different drink from the menu. Phoning your friend instead of messaging. Wearing something you usually reserve for special occasions.

It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it makes you happy.

Sometimes by necessity, and sometimes by choice, our days can look pretty same-y,but that doesn't mean they have to be boring.

So pick your thing and let's see if we can make a life a bit more fun!

I'd love to know what you pick and how it goes. Let me know in the comments!

Pep Talk: Be The Heroine In Your Own Adventure Story

Here's a truth for you: I have spent my whole life wanting to write about women who go on adventures. Women who decide to choose themselves and follow their own path, wherever it takes them. Women who buy a one way plane ticket and greet life with a smile and a fuck it attitude. Women who go where the wind takes them find themselves. Women who go out and chase their dreams like their life depends on it. I've spent my whole life wanting to write about these women, but now something is different.

Instead of reading about these fictional heroines, I'm meeting them, chatting to them, interviewing them about their incredible journeys, about both the shit and the giggles and what it took to get them to where they are today.

And somewhere along the way, instead of writing about fictional characters who go on adventures to find themselves, I became a real life version.

And **shit ** is that equal parts terrifying and exciting at the same time.

I've spent so much of my life in a deep sense of longing. Longing to be someplace different, longing for a different life, longing for adventures and longing to be the fictional heroine who lives in my imagination.

And it's really hard to believe that I am becoming her.

In just over three months time, me and Mr. Meg will be leaving the UK to have our own adventure. We'll be spending three months in the US, dancing ourselves silly, eating our way around the country and sleeping on strangers couches in cities we've only dreamt of.. Then after a short visit back home, we'll be off to India, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and Indonesia for six months to see some of the most beautiful places in the world, massively expand our point of reference and really open our minds and our lives. And the future? It looks a little something like this:

I don't know what memories I'm going to make. I don't know what crazy stories I'm going to come back with. I don't know what's going to inspire me, and what I'm going to learn about myself.

But what I do know is this: In a year's time, when I'm thinking about writing about women who go and have their own adventures, it's going to be with a completely different set of references and experiences.

It's going to be from the point of view of someone who chose herself and chased after her dreams as well.

Because if I don't choose myself, it will never happen. I would have just been stuck longing and wondering over the what ifs. Those fictional characters in stories I've yet to write would get more developed, their dreams more real than mine ever could be and my dreams would be just that. A story that's waiting to be written, which might never have been written.

I'm slowly realising that I don't have to sit on the sidelines. I don't have to reserve these epic adventures, stories and memories. I can go and make my own. And you can too.

I'm realising that it's not about doing it after this, or when I'm this, or when this happens.

And it's not just reserved for other people.

We get to have our own adventures. We get to choose our own adventures.

And that feels pretty liberating to write for the first time.

And these adventures, these dreams? They're going to be different for each and every one of us.

And that's some pretty fucking epic shit right there.

So, take a bet on yourself, dare to believe in your dreams and chase them. And become a person who's autobiography you would love to read. Because deep down, you know what you want, and you can get there.

It takes a shitload of courage, but you can do it.

Let's do this together and commit to living the lives of our heroines, instead of writing them.

Can We Stop Arguing Over the Word Authentic?

What is authentic? What is authenticity? How do I know if I’m being authentic? Is that person really authentic?

Ahh. So much noise.

And I’ve been here before. I remember being a part of my local feminist network as a student, being part of an activist movement as part of my career and being part of community groups.

Everyone starts wide-eyed and optimistic. We’d talk about things we could do to make the world a better place. We’d start with big dreams, ridiculously innovative ways of making them into reality, and hope.

Well, that was until the debates started. Debates over semantics, deliberating over terminology and turning in and fighting ourselves, instead of the bullshit world that put us all together in the same room in the first place.

One day, instead of talking about doing things, it became talking about talking.

And the important stuff? It became much less important. It got too academic, too removed from reality and for me? WAY too much bullshit.

The important stuff disappeared from the conversation entirely.

That’s exactly how I see so many conversations turning online. What is authentic? What’s the actual definition of vulnerability? And who has the right to be the voice on the subject? Shouldn’t words like authentic and passionate be banned because it’s so over-used?

It’s like we need to agree on a dictionary definition and find a general consensus like a herd of sheep before we can even start to move forward. Like we need to find an ‘approved’ list of terminology for conceptual ideas, and strategically use them (but not too much) at the right time and place for the right meaning.

I mean, come on.

Can we just, for once, instead of fighting and turning inwards, celebrate the fact that there is a space in the world, amid all of the corruption, injustice and suffering, where people are living according to their values, having discussions about those values and living an honest life? And trying to make the world a brighter place.

And a space where we’re even able to have the discussions in the first place?

Can we celebrate the fact that authenticity, honesty, vulnerability, courage, ALL of it is going to look different to everyone based on our life experiences, and appreciate that?

What is authentic for me, won’t be authentic for you. What’s real for me won’t be real for you. My story is going to look different from your story. My truths are different from your truths. There are going to be similarities, there are going to be sticking points, but there are always going to be differences.

So, can we just agree to each have our own definition? And celebrate the shit out of that?

Isn’t that the whole fucking point?

We’re going to be over analysing until we forget the important things. And the shit we’re talking about? It IS important.

So many times, movements, discussions and world changing conversations are completely tripped up over power struggles, a need to be right and nitpicky arguments about semantics. This isn’t just about the word authenticity, you know this as well as me. It’s about the language of any movement or any value system that tries to put good shit in the world.

Let’s put an end to this and call it quits and get down to the really important stuff.

Yes?

I'd love to hear your views and experiences in the comments below!

5 things to remember when all hope is lost

1. You can't compare your pain.

Yes the world is hurting right now, but that doesn't invalidate anything going on with your life. Try not to minimalize anything that's happening with you and get stuck in comparing your pain to what you're reading and seeing on TV. You are important.

2. A world without kindness is a dark place indeed.

It's really easy to lose hope. Sometimes it's a hell of a lot easier to believe that the world is an awful place than it is to trust there are good people out there and at times be proved wrong. Focus on the people around you - your family and friends, your neighbours and your community. There is more human kindness found in one small community than sometimes a heart has the capacity for. 

3. It is okay to not watch the news.

It doesn't make you ignorant. I think this tweet by Rae Earl some it all up:

If you find events trigger your mental health issues turn rolling news off. It doesn't mean you don't care. You're being responsible to you.

— Rae Earl (@RaeEarl) November 13, 2015

The news is designed to scare us. Our grandparents coped just fine without second by second news updates. Not keeping up with them doesn't make you a cruel person. It means you're protecting your own sanity. 

4.  Keep the media at a distance.

Unfortunately horrific things happen all the time, in the name of religion, money and power, but we don't hear about a lot of them. It's all politics. Instead of reading every news item you can find, hug someone you love. Ring someone who matters to you. Do something to celebrate the fact you're alive. 

5. Whatever you're feeling is whatever you're feeling.

There is no right and wrong. Try not to put emotions on a pedestal and beat yourself up for not feeling a certain way. Meet yourself where you are and give yourself the comfort you need.

And to borrow the words of my favourite poet, Shane Koyczan:

Go down to the store

Buy some light bulbs,

And when you run out, buy some more.

Because the light at the end of your tunnel needs to be maintained.

An Open Letter to Fellow Couragemakers Who Have Lost All Hope In The World

Dear fellow Couragemakers,

It's pretty hard not to think that we're all fucked.

As the empathisers, the carers, the world shakers, we know how it works. We know how much of the world is held up by misogyny, racism, class war, ablism and homophobia. While we strive to make the world a brighter place, we're reminded every day just how much injustice and oppression we're fighting.

But behind our rage, our disappointment and perhaps our indifference, lies a bigger danger. A loss of hope.

The same loss of hope that can lead to despair, depression, and total burnout. We can start to feel like we've become disillusioned and we've lost our purpose.

And that's completely normal. Especially with such a build up, so much uncertainty, and with the news and political parties installing fear into every essence of our being

But seriously, it doesn't have to be that way.

Being burnt out isn't a trophy of your hard work. It doesn't justify your work as an activist, and it certainly isn't a measure of how much you care.

It's a call that you need to start looking after yourself, and regain your strength.

Turn off the news. Go off grid. Do something completely unrelated. Find whatever it is that takes you outside of the activist realm and gives you peace, and go do it.

That doesn't mean that you won't start again tomorrow, next week or next year. You're not giving up on the the world. It doesn't mean you don't care about the world.

It simply means you acknowledge that before you can help others, you need to help yourself first. You need to replenish yourself, regain your strength, and find a way to keep grounded in what's important to you, as well as the cause.

And the great thing about that?

You start to see your own wellbeing on the same level as the cause. And as a result of that, you start playing a more important role in the cause. You start to bring a new perspective, and action that only you can bring.

And it starts to become sustainable. You can impact change in a measured way, that doesn't drain you or demoralise you.

You can bring more joy into your life, amongst the trauma and the pain.

You can start to feel good, amongst the shit and quit feeling bad about that.

You can change the people around you, who will change the people around them, and then slowly, you begin to change the world.

One person, one mindset at a time.

Change doesn't always have to come in the form of a political upheaval, especially if that system isn't rigged to work anyway.

Change can come from deciding to share more positivity with those closest from you. From deciding to make sure you use community facilities, and encouraging your friends to do the same.

Change can come from picking up shopping for your next door neighbour when you go out. From making an effort to welcome new people into your community.

Change can happen from a smile.

We spend so much time focusing on the end goal that we become depleted and detached.

What if the end goal was to impact the world by becoming the best person you can be, to be a positive influence to those closest to you , in the faith that it'll rub off on them and the cycle will continue?

So wherever you are, whatever you're fighting for, take the time now to take care of yourself.

Because that's truly the best thing you can do for the world in the long run.

Yours,

A fellow fighter

peace-outline

Seeing life as an adventure - boring bits included

Sometimes it seems like our lives are made up of a seemingly random occurrence of events. We mark some of our experiences down as mundane and unremarkable, and others become stories of adventure and excitement for the people around us.

Let's take some adventures that I've had in my life so far.

I've ridden a donkey in Petra and got stuck in a donkey-camel-horse traffic jam, got proposed to in Ghana amidst  severe food poisoning (not by Mr Meg),  leaned my boobs against Bill Gates during a photo op for the Global Poverty Project and trained as an advanced laughter yoga facilitator.

They're pretty funny stories and good fun to tell. But those experiences alone don't even add up to 1% of who I am or how I spend my time and live my life. Those experiences tell some of my story, but leave out the vast amount. They leave out daily chores, habits, and how I spent my downtime which might be pretty dull for some.

And that's the problem with only viewing the interesting bits in life as an adventure, instead of the whole thing.

While we're now able to see more vividly into people's lives, what we end up seeing is a showcase of people's lives in their extremes. Look at Facebook as an example.

On our news feeds, we see the excitement: the cocktails, the holidays and the cute baby/puppy pics, and we see the tragedy: the redundancies, loss of a family member and the really shit times.

The mundane and the every day are completely ignored in favour of epic stories of adventure.

And it can be really hard to merge the two and see them as part of the same story.

Like future tripping, we spend so long planning for adventures, and looking forward to the times that are exciting that we don't enjoy the present.

Not only that, adventure becomes linked to things that cost money and we have to travel to far away places for. The mundane what we fill our day to day life with becomes the padding in between?

But that padding? That is the stuff that makes us human. Decisions we make on a daily basis and the way we choose to live our lives. The way we treat strangers. The times when getting out of bed feels impossible and we just want to put the duvets over our heads.

Sure, talking about those things is vulnerable and scary, but they're what connects us. They help us become relatable, rather than an entertaining story.

[Tweet "When you start to think of your life more of an adventure rather than a mixture of random experiences, some positive, some negative, it all starts to make sense."]

Like Ronan Keating kept telling us (and telling us and telling us) in the year 2000, life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it.

Confessions of an emotionally wounded activist

I've hesitated a lot before writing this post. Partly because it's been in my head for such a long time I'm worried about getting it out right. Partly because it's so hard to talk about. Mostly though, because I've been scared to face up and own the truth.

I'm going to start right back to the beginning, but first I just want to make something clear.

This isn't a rallying cry to stop people from going into activism or becoming an activist, or working for a cause they believe in. It's my honest account of how activism and the charity world has changed me. We all need the people who were born to set the world alight, but in hindsight, I wish I'd gone into the storm braced with the right gear, the right footwear and a bit of prior warning.

Always an activist

There are many people out there who were born to set the world alight, but we need to start treating ourselves better and each other better to really be the change we wish to see.

I always knew I wanted to 'change the world'. At school, when most other people in my class wrote their debate piece for English Lit on boxing and fox-hunting, I wrote piece on ending the sex trafficking of children. While other people used creative writing time to write about holidays they'd been on, I was writing about domestic abuse, mental health issues and self harm. I was always an activist.

A need to change things

It all came from an innate feeling deep inside of me that wanted to change things, and understand how these deep injustices could be changed.

Now, I've written here before about changing the world and how it's come to mean different things to me over the years. But that desire for change has always been there.

Like many many people reading this, I'm a natural carer. I'm self-aware and all too aware of the feelings of others. I've spent much of my life putting other people first and neglecting myself in the name of 'helping others'. I've ignored my own mental health issues, used food as a coping strategy and just 'soldiered on'.

In my head, injustice has always gone hand in hand with a million-miles-an-hour need to shake shit up and improve things.

I go from empathy, to anger, to a desperate need to change things.

It really is no surprise that I ended up heavily involved in the world of activism.

By the age of 18, I was marching the streets in a protest to make streets safe for women at night, lying in the middle of main roads to protest cuts to disability benefits, writing articles about injustices done to women all over the world, coordinating feminist festivals and shouting (and singing) as loud as I could.

The elephants in the room

But here's the things they don't mention when you get into activism as a way of life. The things that aren't being spoken about but everyone's thinking.

1.The guilt of not being able to do enough, or change things enough. Oh the guilt, the endless guilt

2. The fact that you will be continually slapped in the face with further injustice, which makes any successes seem pale in the comparison

3.The amount you will be relied upon as a passionate person with a never-ending supply of energy

4.That to really feel like you're getting somewhere, and feel like you're doing your bit for the cause, you have to put the rest of your life on hold. Either that or the rest of your life need to be related to ending said problem. Bye bye self-care. Hello burnout.

5.Sometimes the people around you just don't get it, and that can make you really angry. When you're totally involved and they don't seem to care, it can cause rifts, resentments, and just problems.

I also can't deny how leading a march with rally cries behind me was exhilarating, how there were days when I couldn't sleep because my mind was brimming with creative ideas and ways to change things, how I felt like I had found my purpose, and how fucking good it felt to feel part of a community.

Tales of an (emotionally) wounded activist

But for those highlights, I put my whole self, and sanity on the line.

And when you get into actually working for the cause, it's a different ball game altogether.

Especially when you're working somewhere where people are burnt out but feel too much guilt to leave, where staff can't be truly appreciated because of the sheer demands of funding and stress at management level and where you end up de-sensitized to the cause you're trying to fight because that's the only way you can get up in the morning.

And especially when you start working in a paid capacity for the cause at a very young age and you enter wide-eyed and eager only to leave feeling like you're a shell of the person you started out as.

I don't mean this to sound bitter, I'm writing this post with the earnest aim of being honest but I can't hide the ugly stuff.

Becoming broken

In the past year and a half, I haven't been able to go to a protest/march without feeling like a piece of me is being torn apart. And for the last year, when I can, I've stopped going. I've stopped associating with people who were a large part of that life. I have just wanted out.

When I get involved with any of it, it's just too painful. It reminds me of what could have been and how I really felt like I'd found my life calling, and brings the truth too close to home.

Part of me feels broken now. I feel like I've been shattered, and I'm trying to put the pieces together, but there's no instructions, there's no guide of what it's meant to look like.

I feel like I've lost a huge part of my identity.

I know so many awful things are happening in the world, and it's just easier to look away. Sometimes, I get trapped into thinking that I'm apathetic, that I just don't care anymore.

But I do, and most of the time I'm too afraid to admit it. It's just a hell of a lot easier to put it at the back of my mind and just let it go.

See, when you break something, or something becomes broken, there are usually 3 reactions.

1. To put it back together, in the same way as before

or

2.Find someone or something to blame.

3.Walk away.

I've done all three.

Putting myself back together in the same way hasn't worked, and I don't want it to work. I can't be in that space, so I need to make a new space.

Finding someone to blame provides an outlet, but it doesn't let things go. Sure, I'm really angry about a lot of things that have happened, I'm angry at specific people, and I'm angry that I'm left feeling like this. But at the end of the day, there's no one thing or person to blame. And I don't want to spend my life absorbed in bitterness.

Walking away has helped the most though. Choosing to leave was a fucking brave thing to do, and a bit ridiculous when you look at how rare it is to find permanent work in specialist areas, but it was the right decision.

If nothing else, I know the bright-eyed version of me before all of this would be seriously disappointed in me if I continued to work and fight with a lack of passion, and two flying fucks.

A new story

So instead, I've taken the time to work on my own stuff. I've worked hard to find a new voice and a new story. Of course, That Hummingbird Life is a big part of this new story for me. So is taking the time to have fun, doing creative things and enjoying things without feeling guilty.

I've learned the hard way that you can't change the world, or change anything for that matter if you can't help yourself first.

It's been a long road, and I'm not ready to leave the pain behind just yet. There's a lot I have to share that can be of immense value. There are so many things I wish I knew, and so many things I know now that I want to share about changing the mindset of activists before they get burnt.

And I will, but it's going to take time.

I just hope, that if you're one of the many people working hard to change things, to change the world in however you make sense of the phrase, that you stop to take time for yourself and enjoy the good things in your life. Like the people around you, sunny days and songs that make you feel alive.

Not just appreciating and feeling grateful for the good things in your life in due regard to acknowledge your privilege. But actually holding on to them with two hands and not letting them go.

Because at the end of the day, two of the most basic human needs is connection and the need to feel valued.

Don't let that go, or sacrifice that for anyone, or anything.

The links between grief and change

I’m sat in my dining room, just under four weeks before I move to London, looking out of the patio doors and I feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. This isn’t new. Since making the decision to leave my house and everything I know and chasing my dream of living a life on my terms and travelling, this has happened a lot.

That’s the thing they don’t tell you when you go to chase your dreams, or you make a big change in your life: sometimes the things you once took for granted become sources of sentimentality, and the very things you’re looking to escape regain their appeal.

It honestly feels a lot like grief.

And here’s the thing.

I’m pretty sure that grieving is an essential part of any change.

I left my job because it wasn’t making me happy. It was a job that a couple of years ago, I would have bet the winning lottery ticket on it being my dream job.  But it wasn’t, and I grieve that loss of something I had my heart set on.

I moved into this house thinking that I’d be in it for years to come, and my children would grow up in this house. I spent a lot of time making it beautiful and making it ‘us’. I looked forward to the family life.

I’ve spent the last two months wandering around my house knowing that I’m giving it all up. I’m giving up a lot of my personal space, personal possessions, and what I thought would be my dream lifestyle.

I do know that I’m gaining a lot more by leaving, but sometimes it’s hard to see that. I’m living somewhere surrounded by people I love and things I love, and sometimes I feel bad in wanting to give that up.

What works for you

But there’s one thing I’ve come to learn about myself - I only like stability if it’s short term and I can see I have options. The minute I think that something’s going to be the same way for a very long time, I start to feel trapped.

A lot of people around me don’t get that. I think they want what most families want - stability, security, comfort and same-ness. Sure, adventure is fun, but it comes with risks, the unknown, and unpredictably.

For the first time in my life, I’m not rigidly planning for what’s coming round the corner. I know travelling is on the cards, but we haven’t got firm plans. I don’t know if I’m going to be working when I get to London, and what job I will have.

I don’t know how I’m going to feel living a couple of hours away from my family and friends, especially when I’ve got a lot going on at home at the moment.

I don’t know what the future’s going to hold for me. I might decide to move to a different country. I may not. I might decide to live my life as a nomad. I may come home desperately wanting a family.

The thing I cling onto in moments like this is that the catalyst for this big move was wanting a drastic change in my life. I’m craving for more of the same right now, but it’s the same that’s been keeping me up unhappy at night.

But the dreams I’m chasing are the ones that keep me up at night, too excited to sleep. And that’s worth remembering.

Hold onto your dreams

So if you find yourself grieving while you’re making a big change in your life, hold onto the reasons why you’re making the change as tight as you can. And believe that everything will turn out just fine.

Because it will.

And no dream is worth giving up on, even if the road to your dreams is bumpy, full of twists and sharp bends. Because that road? It will take you to places you couldn’t have dreamt of, and sights and people you’ll remember all your life.

The importance of being compassionate and mindful on social media

I love Facebook and Twitter as much as the next person. Yes they've changed the way we live drastically and while I know my Mum and probably your Mum want to go back to a day when if you wanted to contact someone you had to go to a phone box, I don't. But there is something I've come to really hate about social media. And that's the sharing of graphic, violent posts in the name of stopping violence and cruelty.

I'd much rather see a success story (while knowing that I'm only seeing the 1% of cases).

Seeing someone growing from a struggle is so much more impactful for me than showing a beaten face, a video of a beheading or a slaughterhouse.

Some of us are just too impacted by those images that we have to look away.

Some of us are now just too desensitized to it and I think that's even more of a problem. And when that's the case, people will just refuse to engage at all. And that's just lose lose for everyone.

I'm all for positive change. I've spent my career in the NGO sector and voluntary organisations. But sometimes it would be nice to see the great things on Facebook and Twitter.

Like how brave and fucking bold women who have experienced domestic abuse are. How loving families living in poverty are.

How human we all are.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I will sign your petition or take action when I don't have these images thrust in my face.

It's not that I don't want to acknowledge the abhorrent in the world, it's just that's not something I want to just stumble on while on my bus to work.

Sometimes caring is not sharing. So be mindful when you post. And add trigger warnings. You never know what reaction someone might have.

Rant over.

Repeat after me: I am not superwoman

Maybe people have called you Superwoman. It feels good, right? We’re in control, we’re pleasing everyone, we’re doing all that we can, we may even become canonised (a step too far?).

Right?

Ummm.

Being Superwoman may be a massive compliment regarding how we treat others. But it’s not such great news for how we treat ourselves.

But what does it actually mean?

 It probably means that you take little-no time for yourself. And that doesn’t work. Because we need to look after ourselves in order to do anything, to breathe, to be happy, to help others, to name a few. (read this piece). 

But I can do everything. I am Superwoman, I hear you say.

Well, let’s look at the facts. You don’t have the (sexist) outfit, you don’t have the cape, and I know I’ve talked about flying before, but I didn’t mean actual flying. People may call you superwoman, but evidence suggests otherwise (sorry, not sorry).

What you do have though, is an amazing set of skills and gifts which are unique to you, which you can use to work for you in a way that could only ever work for you.

What you don’t have is a limitless amount of energy and time. And these are the things that run out quickly, and lead to burnout and overwhelm.

Instead, it means that you have a set amount of energy and time, and it’s up to you to decide what works for you.

Hesitant?

SUPERWOMAN WEB

Well, it’s actually a good thing. Those things that take up a long time that you think you should be doing but you hate? Those things that you do for people that they don’t even appreciate? Those times that you spend working your arse off with no recognition?

Throw them away, and start putting your time and energy into things that you enjoy, and that work for you.

Because it all comes down to expectations.

The more unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves are, the more stressed we get. And the more we do for others, not complaining or putting ourselves first, the more other people expect us to do.

And life shouldn’t be about doing things just because you expect yourself to, or others expect you to.

I haven’t quite figured out the meaning of life yet, but I know living it whole heartedly and having fun are a key part to any good life.

So hang up your cape, keep the boots on, and enjoy being you. You don’t need to have superhero capabilities to do amazing things in the world.

And you don’t need wings, or a cape to fly.

Are you living with your eyes shut?

So many of us are walking through lives with our eyes shut. Tasks become automated, we can’t remember eating our breakfast though we can vaguely remember what we ate and everything starts to become a to-do list item.

Check. Cross Off. Leave for another day.

We end the day thinking about tomorrow. We start the next day already feeling behind.

I know I’ve spent days of my life with my eyes shut. I haven’t seen anyone I’ve passed. I’ve been so involved in creating the future that I’ve forgotten that the present is a work in progress.

We see everything on macro-level. We barely spend any time thinking about the bigger picture.

It’s said that the attention is in the detail. I care to disagree.

Stuck

When we get bogged down in the details, we often lose the purpose that led us there in the first place.

We get stuck in routines. We start to make excuses. We start to justify choices that neither serve us or make us happy.

It’s like the age old fear of waking up one day, wondering who took over your life and how you got there.

I know I don’t want that.I want to look back and think about the risks I took. I want to remember the bold moves I made. I want to reminisce and think, yeah, that was me.

So I want to take a stand right now for living with our eyes wide open. Let’s bask in the boring, let’s make joyful the things we do on autopilot, and let’s make decisions that pry open our vision and make us feel alive.

Go dance in the rain, get off the bus at the wrong stop, cancel all plans for the weekend and spend time with nature.

Go to a stranger’s wedding, get a tattoo, get to bed early and wake up for the sunrise.

Go make a thank you card for a friend, just because, go write out those crazy ideas for your solar panel range of dog coats, go take a cold shower.

[Tweet "Go do something you’ve been talking to people about wanting to do all your life."]

It’s only when we shake shit up that we start to open our eyes.

A few words about changing the world

Let me take you back four years. I’m a student. I’ve discovered my loud and powerful voice. I’ve discovered positive outlets for all of the injustices I had spent my teenage years trying to change.

I’m living, breathing, eating and sleeping my passions (largely tackling violence against women and poverty. Bedtime reading anyone?).

I’ve covered my room with related leaflets, postcards, posters, everything I read, everything I listen to, all of the activities I do, heck, all of the essays I write for university all link back to violence against women.

SHIT VS RAINBOWS WEB

If I watch something on TV, it has to be related to social justice, if I go see a band, it’s not only for their music, but because of their ties to a wider social justice issue.

I spend hours reading the news, and hours beating myself up because I can’t effect the change I wanted to.

I think you’ve got the picture.

I felt that the passion was my identity. It became me.

And it really wore me down. I was constantly surrounding myself with bad news. I took no time to nourish or nurture myself.

I was burning out, and I was burning out fast. I was giving everything to the cause and nothing for myself. Not only was it not sustainable, it wasn’t desirable.

I was living a guilty existence. Through desiring change so much, I had unwittingly placed the world on my shoulders.

When I went to bed, I would think of all the suffering around the world, all of the problems much bigger than myself, all of the issues around the world I had no answers for, and feel so small. So powerless.

I would look at all I had achieved, which was a lot, and I would see it as a tiny drop in the ocean. It was a tiny drop in the ocean, but my perspective was way off.

I wouldn’t see the joy I brought to the world, I wouldn’t see the people I had helped. I was looking through the world and cutting out everything I had done.

I was seeing the shit without seeing the rainbows.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun along the way. I learned to find my voice, I met amazing people,I learned to develop strong communities, I learned to campaign.

But while a lot of the things I did made me feel alive, they also made me feel remarkably small. The value that I held for myself as a person was overshadowed by the things I couldn’t achieve.

I couldn’t separate myself away from the cause. It had become me. Where did I begin and where did my passions end?

Where was the time for me?

It’s only been within the last two years that my perspective has started to shift.

It doesn’t mean that I’ve ceased caring.

Now I can see the bigger picture. Now I value myself enough to look after myself while trying to change things.

I can see that the only way I’m going to change things in a positive way, is if I start small, I do it while doing things I love, and I look after myself.

I have always grown up with the desire to change the world. I’ve always been conscious of the time I have here and wanting to leave a legacy. I don’t think that will ever change.

But I know, that as I grow and travel through life, my definition of changing the world has changed, it will change, and will be ever evolving.

Baby-28

And I wouldn’t have it any other way. If you like what you just read, sign up to my Weekly Shindig & Sunday Self-Care Check-Ins for exclusive posts, ideas and tips (and maybe a free worksheet every now and then!)