Creative ruts & re-filling your cup

I've been thinking a lot about inspiration and creativity lately. Amber's guest post on creativity and consumption has really had me questioning my own creative process, and how getting sidetracked on social media has a huge impact on my work and what I produce. And Helen's guest post on women, creativity and creative afternoons has really had me thinking on the space I create in my own life to be creative.

Couple that with the work of the late Scott Dinsmore, on how surrounding yourself with people who inspire you is essential to creating work that matters, and Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Big Magic (on creativity, fear and magic), I think it's fair to say, creativity and inspiration has definitely been on my mind.

And it's on my mind because I've felt a bit stuck in a creative rut. I've been getting lost in the black hole that is the comparison trap, and I've been spending too much time looking at what other people are doing, and not enough time focusing on myself.

So, the last two weeks have seen me going back to things I know work for me. And I want to share them with you today!

1. Find an environment that works for you

Since I've started working from home, it's taken me a while to get into a routine. If I get up late, the quality of my work is sacrificed. If I start the day on Facebook, I waste half the day. Home is full of distractions, and it's taken me the past couple of weeks to really remember that my best way to start a project is in a coffee shop, and as much as I love music, I can concentrate the best with earphones in but no music on. But working from a coffee shop all the time = expensive. Working from a coffee shop all the time while saving up for a round the world trip = a bit silly. Libraries however? Here I come. It may take time but it's worth it to find the environment that best feeds your creativity. Everyone has somewhere different, there is no right and wrong, it just takes a bit of practice!

2. Take the time to realise that there is enough room for all of us

This is something I've been really struggling with. And I know I'm not alone in this. We start looking at what other people are doing, how they're doing it and trying to measure their success compared to our own. We know we're doing it, but perhaps we don't realise the effects of it for a while. The effects for me are being creatively blocked, feeling like there's no point in anything because everyone has already done it all, and feeling completely uninspired. So here's a reminder, to myself as well as you. There is room for all of us. We all have unique stories, and a rare combination of skills, strengths and values. We could all write a book about changing the world tomorrow, and every single one of those books would be different. Different stories, different approaches, different take aways. No matter what you're working on right now, the world needs to hear it, and we need to hear it from you!

3. Read books that have been on your shelf/reading list for years

It's SO easy to get seduced by shiny object syndrome and spend your time searching out new books to read. But if you're anything like me, there are probably many sitting on your shelf that you couldn't wait to get, but still haven't read! Be inspired by what you already have, not just by what you want. For me, exchanging the time I've spent procrastinating to actually reading things I've wanted to read for years has made me so much happier. If I'm not feeling in the mood to work, instead of farting about on the internet looking at a whole lot of nothing, I grab something off my shelf, or binge read someone's blog that I've been meaning to do for months. If you're on the search for inspiration, you're gonna have more light bulbs going off doing this instead of beating yourself up over your lack of productivity.

4. Cut the shit out/ turn off notifications

So, I deleted Facebook from my phone, and it feels AMAZING! Our lives are full of so much shit that we don't even notice. Okay, not all of it is shit, but do you really need notifications from every Facebook group you're a part of, and to see what your friend of ten years ago is cooking for dinner? No. Now, instead of perusing the lives of people who I haven't seen in years, I've enjoy commuting to places, looking out the window, people watching, reading things that I want to read and surrounding myself with people that make me feel great. And it's had such a big effect. (Pocket is a great app for saving articles and posts you've been wanting to read but haven't got around to. It saves everything offline, so you can peruse at your own leisure, anywhere)

5.  Audiobooks/Podcasts

This is easily the biggest one for me. When I was stuck HATING my office job and feeling like this was all my life was ever going to amount to and being desperately unhappy, I discovered Emilie Wapnick, The Lively Show and Good Life Project. I surrounded myself with people who were actively going against the grain and creating a life they loved. By listening to a podcast every morning and listening to other people's stories, I found there was a new alternative to my life. I could live a life that existed outside the mainstream. Find and surround yourself with people you admire and find inspiring. And do it on purpose. This is the big thing. Before when I was getting myself through that period and learning that there could be another way, I was purposefully choosing who I spent my headphone time with. But somewhere along the way, I got out of the routine. Find people who set your heart on fire and make you feel alive, and purposefully surround yourself with them. It will honestly change your life

Since becoming more intentional about my creativity and finding inspiration, things have changed a lot. In the last two weeks, I have started work on a book I've been thinking of writing for a couple of years now, and I've also started work on another book. I've also written an entire e-mail course which I'm really proud of, which is going to be a game changer for many people.

If things feel stagnant right now, change it up. Approach your creativity and inspiration like a glass of water. You need it to live your fullest life and it needs to be topped up on a regular basis.

Thank you to Amber Thomas, Helen Jones, Scott Dinsmore and Elizabeth Gilbert who have filled my glass and helped me get back to work that matters.

You have so many gifts to give the world. Your way of looking at the world, the order you write your words and the way you put paint onto paper - it all comes from your unique perspective. No one can create that. Only you. 

What an amazing opportunity it is to be alive!

Guest Post: Encouraging and inspiring through creative afternoons

When Meg asked me if I could write a guest post about this, I was over the moon - the opportunity to be on her fantastic website and to share the experience I've had hosting craft afternoons, wow! But when I've tried to write it, it's been more difficult than I expected. It's so hard to capture the emotion and the level of supportiveness and the small changes in people that occur. So please forgive me if I overuse words such as excitement and support and inspiration.

I love listening to women talk about creating

There's an excitement and a passion which shines through. And so often, these conversations are with people who "aren't creative" but who thoroughly enjoy knitting or cross stitch or whatever it is. Somehow being creative is so intrinsically linked with fine art that many people just can't get away from that. For the record, creativity is a huge spectrum of different techniques and processes and outcomes.

A creative afternoon

As well as listening to women talk about creating, I love getting women together to create. I had the honour of doing just that in August. An email went to friends, acquaintances and friends of friends inviting them for croissants, tea and making stuff. They were invited to bring works in progress, their own equipment or just to turn up and have a play with my stash of materials.

At previous creative afternoons I've taught some basic bookbinding, women have taught other women to knit and everyone has got involved. There has been an amazing organic nature to these afternoons, synchronicity that I could never have planned.  This was no exception. Despite the normal "I'm not creative " protests, everyone went home having made something. It ranged from mixed media art work to cards to decorations and more. But the thing I hope everyone took away was inspiration and a feeling that they can be creative.

I think the key to these afternoons is very much the women themselves.  I could provide the most amazing craft materials, books with instructions and inspiration, detailed tutorials etc but without the women, it would fall flat.

Women are often considered to be nasty, bitchy and judging when they get together in groups. But not these groups. This was a group of mostly strangers who were sat round my table, creating away and providing positive encouragement to everyone else.  It's something I would love to see so much more of.

Genuine encouragement

I don't think I can begin to express how heart warming it is to see this in action - genuine support and encouragement between strangers, the amazement when people see that they have created something and the twinkling of the idea that maybe they are creative.  It's beautiful.

 So if you have a table, a bit of craft stuff and a kettle, get emailing! Invite everyone you know to a tea and creative (creativi-tea if you will) afternoon.  I know it's an invitation I would love to receive.

Since I wrote this, I've come across

Mind's Christmas Crafternoons:

Crafternoon means getting together with friends, family or colleagues and holding an afternoon of festive crafting to have fun and raise money for Mind.

Make someone's Christmas and help us make sure no one has to face a mental health problem alone.

Helen bio

You can find Helen here: Flickr | Blog

Guest Post: How Consumption Influences our Creativity by amber thomas

When I started writing for NaNoWriMo last November I dedicated myself to reading a half hour a day. It seemed annoying some days, why not spend that half hour writing instead? I noticed my progress wane on days I’d skipped my “warm-up reading” and felt a nudge that quality consumption was influential in my creativity. As a soul who loves answers to seemingly proverbial questions I created an experiment.

An experiment

Two days a week I began my writing time with a book. Two more days I’d write without any use of transitional materials. And the final two days a week (assuming I take a day off), I’d prime my mind with Facebook or Instagram or even a recorded TV show. I needed to see how my choices affected my creative output. You’re not going to be entirely surprised to find out my word counts and the quality of my writing suffered immensely on the free-for-all consumption days.

Your mind isn’t critically engaging with your Facebook friends, it’s merely surveying their current state of life. You aren’t thinking about the tone or theme or depth of characters on your Instagram feed, instead you’re making binary choices: double tap or scroll. Television can be educational, but it’s a passive brain activity not requiring you to opinionate about storylines or perspective. However, you do all these things while you read.

I proved to myself (and now to all of you) that the way I started my writing time was a valuable source of inspiration and creative energy for the work laid out ahead of me.

Nourish yourself

Draw your creative process back to lessons we’ve learned in nutrition: in order to expend energy (creative or otherwise), you must nourish yourself with rich sustenance. While marshmellow fluff is delicious (never before have a refused a serving of that cloud-like heaven), it doesn’t leave me feeling fuelled and hardy in the way scrambled eggs do. Are you taking in all kinds of light, airy treats without providing your creative process with the fuel it needs to keep momentum? Often the answer is no, but we avoid the real work of cleaning up our habits of consumption.

It’s simple, really, to avoid empty forms of inspiration. The hard part is identifying where the empty sources lie

Three ways to clean up your consumption

1.     Avoid being a voyeur

We’re all guilty of keeping our eye on the trainwreck as it’s happening.  But then the carnage and mess traumatize us. So, why not unfollow the mess before it gets started? You know those people you can see ruining their businesses with angry backlash at dissatisfied customers or those hate forums on the internet or the Facebook friends who could star on a soap opera they're fascinating. But your fascination turns into valuable time wasted keeping tabs on their mess instead of pouring into your latest project.

2.     Be honest about your viewership

This seems easy and natural. But as a fan of the Real Housewives of Orange County from the beginning, I’ve dedicated an hour a week to watching the women get together and raise hell in each other’s lives. Just recently my husband watched an episode with me and when it finished he turned to me and said, “So you watched women fight over fancy dinners for an hour?” I wanted to defend myself, but couldn’t. Because that’s what I was watching, grown women –who are my mom’s age- fight over nothing. And suddenly, my diehard fan-girling seemed pathetic, not loyal.

3.    Track your time.

I know you’re hearing this all over the web and beyond. Have you tried it? Honestly, I was terrified at the end of my work day. My day job is balanced delicately with my Etsy shop and blog and plethora of writing and marriage. I feel like I manage my priorities well and may have been known to brag about my ability to get the work done. But the serving of humble pie that I was served after tracking each minute of my time for three days was enough to make my brain explode.

Another experiment

Though I’d like to claim the title of quick learner, I am not. So when I opened my handmade art Etsy shop, I assumed my mind would always overflow with ideas for new pieces. Alas, it did not.

So I tried the experiment over again: two days started with reading, two with visual observation online, and two with no outside inspiration. And the results were the opposite of my writing habit.

On the days I scrolled through Instagram or Pinterest ideas flowed, colors complimented, and my time in the studio was fruitful beyond belief. In contrast, the days I started with reading were slow-moving, awkward, and frustrating.

Be mindful

Be mindful of how your eyes allow inspiration into your brain. Be aware of the way one creative endeavor is different than another; so different, in fact, they may be opposites. All these words and examples boil down to one thing: your consumption matters for your process.

Amber bio-2

You can find Amber here:  INSTAGRAM | Shop

They're lying! On get rich/happy quick schemes and bullshit free dream chasing

The truth will set you free, right? It also has a tendency to make you pretty unpopular. But, we don't care about popularity around here. We care about dream chasing, living for a purpose, and standing up yourself even when it's doesn't make you a cool kid. Sometimes, especially when it doesn't make you a cool kid. So, I got pretty pissed off yesterday. I was checking in to Twitter like I normally do, and I'm getting pretty good at ignoring stupid hashtag trends, but this one I couldn't shake:

#solveyourproblemsin4words (or something to this extent)

Wondering what the most common answers were? Easy - 'Win the lottery now. 'A fat pay check' and so on.

I am so fucking tired of this myth

That some external miracle is going to come and solve every single issue you could ever have (spoiler alert: it won't), and that someone is going to come knocking at your door and give you all the answers.

That you can make 6 figures in 6 minutes, that you can work for an hour a day and become a millionaire, that you can basically sit on your ass, think of money, and some will fall out of the sky right onto your lap.

And I'm really sick of marketers massively exploiting dream chasers like you and me, who don't just want to make money, we want to put good shit into the world.

Because, let's face it. It's a hell of a lot harder putting yourself out there and making your own income when you give a shit about the world, you have a passion and a cause and you have ethics. (There, I said it. I used the E word.)

We're not out to make a quick buck. We're in it for the long haul, to somehow make a difference, to inspire, to change things, to shake shit up.

And chances are, we also don't have the ridiculous amount of money needed (or the desire) to outsource all the work that takes the hard work out of making money. Nor would we want to gain from cheap labour and words that aren't ours.

Let's be honest.

No magic drink is going to make me a hundred pounds lighter, the same way as a £10,000 retreat isn't going to make you successful.

What's more likely to make you successful is spending an afternoon with a bunch of coloured pens and a drawing pad, working out what success means for you.

And what's more likely to make me a hundred pounds lighter is going for more walks and limiting my chocolate intake.

What's more likely to make you more money is figuring out what you love to do and how much money you really need or want.

These people who are out to solve all your problems in 5 easy steps? It's bullshit.

There are no 5 easy steps to happiness.

No 5 easy steps to make you a more positive person

There are no 5 quick things you can do to give yourself the body of Jennifer Anniston, the wealth of Bill Gates or the success of Taylor Swift.

There just aren't.

And when you stop reading the bullshit that tells you otherwise, you actually get somewhere. You start making those plans, working on your confidence, setting yourself goals and following you own intuition.

And when you start to realise that those 5 steps, those 4 quick hours, those six figure fixers are bullshit and just don't exist, you're going to feel liberated.

You'll realise that doing things your way is more than okay. That you have you own definition of success, and your own way of getting there.

That's not to say there aren't people out there who can help you.

Of course there are. But make sure they're people who are speaking your language. Who share your values. And who are totally upfront about the amount of hard work and courage it takes to chase your dreams.

You've got all the answers inside you, you've got the creativity, the determination and the passion to create your own version of success.

And you've got the common sense in your head that tells you that not all problems can be solved - but they can be halved when shared with a friend and a cup of the tea :)

Dream chasers, bold and courageous women, passionate and compassionate souls? We're being sold a lie.

And damn right we're not going to take it anymore.

How to throw a one person dance party for yourself (& epic playlist!)

If you've never had a one person dance party, you've never lived. Ok, perhaps that's a bit extreme. But seriously, a one person dance party is one of the best ways to make yourself feel great.

What is a one person dance party? I hear you ask. Well, if it was an algebraic equation, it would look something like this:

dance party = pjs (bra optional, essential for me for health & safety) + closed door + loud music + bad singing

I mean, when was the last time you really let yourself go, put on your favourite music and danced like no one was watching?

A one person dance party also caters for most situations:

• Dealing with a break up? Scream Mr. Brightside

• Hate your job? Want to break freeeeeeeee?

• Quit your job & a boss that made you feel shit? I think P!nk has several songs for that.

Going on holiday? Going on a date? Need a pick me up?  I've got you covered.

So get your comfiest PJs on, turn the music up loud and party like it (isn't) 1999.

Watch on Youtube

Follow on Spotify (for spontaneous offline dance parties)

(minus the Taylor Swift. Sad face)

13 things you'll gain from starting that big project

Today I'm sharing with you the big fuck off reminders life gives you when you're undertaking any big project. Whether you're writing a book, thinking of starting your own business, planning a wedding, or even thinking that you'd like a big project; there are so many great takeaways. Now, if you're anything like me, you like to take on big projects. Or the idea of taking on a big project. Over the last 3 months, I have completely overhauled That Hummingbird Life's website, and when I completed it, like most things in my life, I asked myself, what are the lessons in this?

Any big project will tell you a lot about yourself. Pursuing any big dream, and the hard graft that it takes to get there, will teach you invaluable lessons.

So whatever project you're working on, or even thinking of starting, hopefully these home truths will help and inspire you.

1. You find out what really matters to you

When we take on projects, of course we always have hopes and aspirations for the end result, but it's fair to say that a guaranteed and specific financial income isn't set in stone. Money might not even come into it, like many things in life we love. What that means is that so many of us are motivated by the things that matter to us. Fulfilment, working for a purpose,  happiness, connection.

Taking on a project is a chance to get to the root of what lights us up. It's an opportunity to remind ourselves of what really matters, what we're working towards, and keep us grounded and focused. And no matter where we are in life, it's a welcome and much needed reminder for all of us.

2. You gain so much more confidence and resilience

Something will always go wrong last minute. And it's usually something you don't plan for. But it's not a reason not to try in the first place. After all, by the time you're near completing your project, you've gained so much self trust and confidence, the thing that goes wrong usually comes as a surprise. And as a result of that, you deal with it. It's a great cycle that shows you that you're able to deal with anything life throws at you, and in turn increases your confidence further. Win win.

3. Everyone will have advice but you have all the answers

E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. It might be well meaning from someone you love, it might be someone manipulating where you're at to sell you something (buy this book to write a BESTSELLING novel). Everyone loves to give out free advice. But somewhere in between starting out and really getting stuck in, you'll realise how much knowledge you already have. And how much listening to your gut tells you. And that's pretty fucking powerful stuff.

4. You realise you can't please everyone, and that's OK

The same way as everyone always has advice, everyone always has an opinion. And they'll give it to you, unsolicited at a moment's notice. If you have a friend/partner that you trust to tell you the truth (in a loving way), use them as a sounding board. But what many famous writers have advised around not telling everyone the whole story until it's done? I think there's some leg room in that. It's not your job to please everyone - it's an impossible goal, and you'll just end up feeling shite. But you'll learn that along the way, and that is pretty fucking powerful.

5. You have to trust in yourself, that you will be able to bring your vision to life

Putting your idea into words is hard. Explaining it can be even harder. Even with the most elaborate Pinterest boards or deck of notecards, it's hard to show other people your vision before it's come to life. But just because you can't find the right words, or other people seem confused as to what it is you're aiming for, doesn't mean that it's not going to happen. And it certainly doesn't mean your ideas are silly, or too big. In the moment when you're faced with fear and self doubt, remember that you had the idea. You have what it takes to bring it to life. And if people aren't understanding it just yet, it's more likely to be because you've tapped into something special, instead of your idea being intangible.

6. You'll accumulate a ridiculous amount of skills

You get such a larger set of skills by starting a project that sets your heart of fire, instead of starting out to just learn a skill. Instead of starting by trawling through technical details, you start with what makes you excited, and pick the skills you need up on the way. Research and development are two of the most essential parts when it comes to working on a project, and it's always worth writing a quick list of skills you accumulated after it's done. I guarantee you'll be surprised.

7. You have to start before you're ready

While research is important, it also functions as a defence mechanism against fear. When I was a teenager, I spent years buying writing magazines instead of just putting pen to paper. There's something safe about learning more about doing something, without actually doing anything. One thing starting a project shows you is that you'll never be 100% ready. There will always be something else you could have looked up, or something else you could have spent money on. But when you get that urge just to start already? That's an image that's going to stay in your head and motivate and inspire you for a long time to come.

8. You'll find courage you didn't know was there

Starting before you're ready takes a lot of fucking courage. And throughout all of the twists and turns of whatever you're working on, you'll find courage that you didn't even know existed. Courage to tell the outside world what you're doing. Courage to share yourself with the world, and courage to feel the fear and keep on going.

9. While everyone will marvel at what you've done, not many people will see the blood, sweat & tears

Dealing with other people's reactions is an important one. People will wonder where you found the time, where you found the energy and where the talent came from. It's always worth remembering that jealousy and admiration can be sides of the same coin, and the bitter ones? The words they speak say more about themselves than what you're doing. We're increasingly living in a world where people produce the latest shiny things as if it's as easy as taking a shit. They don't show you the messy bits, the late nights, the tears of frustration. They want to be seen as having it all figured out. 1) No one has it all figured out and 2) Seeing the messy bits shows that you're human. That you didn't come out of the womb dressed in a tutu and with an iPhone.

10. You learn that it's okay to take a break

You can only have so many sleepless nights, stare at the computer for so long, or read the same paragraph so many times. At some point, you're going to realise that, like it or not, you really need a break. Then you realise that when you're rested, you can get so much more done and it starts becoming fun again.There's nothing like tiredness and exhaustion to suck all the fun and enthusiasm out of your life like a dementor. When you learn that your mind and your body needs a break, and it's often the best thing you can do, life gets a hell of a lot easier.

11. Deadlines increase your ability to make decisions

When you have no timeframe, it's so easy to get caught up in analysis paralysis. Decisions can take days and it just gets really frustrating. But when you've got a big project and you set yourself deadlines, it can be a different story. Decisions that might have taken you a week to make? You don't want to stall the project for too long, so they're made much quicker. And you end up trusting your own judgement so much more. And self trust? That's something you're not going to find on Amazon.

12.  There is no right feeling when you've finished

This is a big one for me. When you finish a project, it's a whole mixed bag of emotions. We can put too much pressure on ourselves to feel over the moon and enthusiastic. For me, right when I finish a project, exhaustion sweeps over me. Any sort of pride, or ability to give a fuck goes. Then a couple of days it all catches up with me and I get a huge boost. Whatever you're feeling, your feelings are legitimate. Just remember to mark it/celebrate it in some way!

13. You learn to manage your own expectations

Starting a big project can do wonders for managing your own expectations. We tend to downplay the things we're great at, simultaneously giving ourselves huge goals that aren't always attainable. Somewhere in the process, you start working out your own definition of success and managing your own expectations to something that makes you feel great.

Everyone's experiences are different, but I know one thing for absolutely certain. Starting a big project gets you closer to where you want to be. Whatever the motivating factor, the main thing is that you start.

Because once you start? The world is your oyster. You have so much genius only you can put into the world, and the world needs to see it! Wrestle those fears!

I'm looking forward to writing more posts on starting and planning projects.

I'd love to know any questions you'd love me to answer, or any experiences you've had in the comment box below!

How I quit feeling guilty about relaxing

About five years ago, I read a quote that I haven't been able to get out of my head since. I can't remember who said it, it was possibly Marx but haven't been able to find it since. Basically it went something to the tune of this:

If you want to change the world, don't waste time on hobbies like watching TV. To make a difference, you must use all the minutes you have here on earth to make that impact.

There aren't many quotes that I read that have an immediate effect on them, but this was one of them.

Finally, I had found something that validated the intense guilt I felt at spending any time doing something not related to a cause or not helping someone else.

At the time, this was a good thing. 

I took it as inspiration, and took it to mean that I was on the right track. It solidified everything in my mind that was completely backwards when it came to me. It validated putting myself behind everything else, putting everything I had into the cause and not saving anything for me. It justified feeling awful about spending time on another activity (watching a film, reading a book which wasn't related to a world issue) and I didn't really have any hobbies.

Years later, after working through my issues with relaxing and taking time for me, I wish I hadn't read the fucking quote.

All it did was keep me between a rock and a hard place, and was an effective torture stick I could use on myself at anytime.

The reality of the situation was this: I would put 180% in, to get burnt out, binge watch TV and eat ice-cream for a couple of weeks feeling exhausted and get back out there.

And of course, I'd feel guilty.

[Tweet "Now, I embrace the word selfish. I know there are worlds apart between giving everything you have and saving some for yourself. And I know that that's okay."]

I took a long time to put the work in to change my frame of mind. And I don't think I ever would have got there had I not completely burnt out and become mentally ill.

I now actively push away from that quote I learned years ago, knowing that if I'm feeling good on a soul level, if I'm filling myself with joy, then the work I do is going to come from a better place, the interactions I have with people will be more positive and I'll be well.

I now have lots of things I love doing, which I do simply because they fill me up with joy.

I do things for fun's sake. Of course, I still care about changing things, but not in the same way. Not in the all-consuming, all-powerful, all harmful way that I did before.

Now, I hope my work sends out a beacon of hope to people who were right where I was. Feeling guilty about spending time on themselves, continually beating themselves up and not seeing the value in downtime.

It's a long process, but it's the best journey I've been on.

Now, I can treat myself with compassion, celebrate the shit out my small wins instead, and have a shitload of fun while putting good shit out into the world.

And, isn't that what it's all about?

Remember, it's not selfish to look after yourself, or do things purely because they make you happy.

What can you do today to stave off the guilt and actually start enjoying your downtime?

6 fun and creative ways to practice mindfulness

I've always loved the ideas of sitting down with a candle, some relaxing music and meditating. Mindfulness appeals to the side of me that knows slowing down always does me good.

But the idea has always been better than the reality. For a start, I struggle to make the time for it (I always say I'm going to get up at 6am and meditate before the day has begun, but we both know that's not going to happen.)

And it's not just me. A lot of us struggle with mindfulness - whether we don't or can't make the time for it, our thoughts won't go away, or we've just never really got it.

But with mindfulness, I've always felt there's got to be another way.

Mindfulness coach Mary Tracy of Widdershins describes mindfulness as:

'Being in the present, but much more present in the present than you've ever been before. You stop thinking about what you will do in the next minute, 'In fact, you stop thinking altogether. You just "are", you exist, without thoughts'

Sounds good, right?

According to the Mental Health Foundation, in 2010, 72% of GPs reported that they thought mindfulness-based treatments, such as meditation, would help their patients that have mental health problems.

And there's even a Mindfulness in Schools project in the UK, based on the positive effects of mindfulness on all; better able to deal with stress, more in tune with our happiness and general increase in wellbeing all round.

I mean, come on! We're a bunch of creative souls, and we're not giving up and missing out on those sweet benefits yet!

That's why I've been experimenting with other methods of being mindful. Finding things that are fun, tap into our creative sides, and also give us the same benefits as mindfulness:

Calm, peace, perspective and a sense that everything that's muddled in my head has been organised.

So here are my 5 tips for being mindful while getting your creative fix at the same time.

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1. Grab your camera and go

Mindfulness if about living in the moment, and grabbing a camera and finding a new perspectives completely encompasses the point of mindfulness. Now, you don't need to be a photographer, you don't need a fancy camera either, just something you can point and click with and an eye for detail.

And up the mindfulness even further by creating a scrapbook or photo album. Or follow in the footsteps of the lovely Sam from Oh! Hello and do a 365 photo challenge!

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2. Doodle

 Seriously, I could talk all day long about how much I love doodling.  I just pop my earphones in, grab a pen and follow where the pen fancies. I've also recently discovered the world of 'zenspirations', and I recommend watching this video right now if you've never heard of it. 

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3. Cook

Cooking can be SO good for the soul. Taking time, experimenting with spices, and just enjoying the whole experience. Pour over cookbooks (or good-looking stuff on Pinterest), go to the shop to buy specialist ingredients, and set the mood for a nice slow-paced, slow meal. Mmmmm.

(I'm going to let you into a little secret here - I LOVE peeling, chopping, watching the soup maker, everything. I could literally dedicate a day per week to each of those things. I mean, we have to get our kicks somewhere in life don't we? Ewww, not that way you filthy minded animal!)

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4. Go for a walk

This is something I seriously need to make more space for in my life. When I was living in Cardiff, I lived about 3 minutes walk from a river, and sitting on a log, staring into the water and watching the ducks was the best way to practice mindfulness and clear that brain of mine. For once, leave the headphones at home, turn your phone on silent and just walk somewhere nice and sit and watch the world go by. It's amazing what ideas will come to you when walking, and how problems just seem to walk themselves better!

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5. Rearrange things

I love re-arranging things. As in, mixing things up, turning the bed this way or that way, buying a new duvet set, getting some vases and photo frames and just making myself feel at home. Now, I'm no domestic goddess (to say the least) but a good tidy round and mix up can be really good for the soul. Change where things are, don't let rooms stagnate and surround yourself with things you love. Like these amaze-balls postcards I picked up at the Renegade Craft Fair in London by the awesome Emma Margaret. 

Pick things you love and look at them every day!

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6. Sing!

Everyone I know would happily tell you that I'm not the most quiet person to live with. I'm a firm believer than singing goes with everything! Whether you sing like an angel (don't buy into that bullshit!) or you've just got a fair pair of pipes on you, sing out loud to the songs that make you the happiest. Get lost in the tune, make up your own lyrics if you don't remember them!

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Mindfulness doesn't have to be hard. It doesn't have to be something we think other people can do, not us. We're all already practicing mindfulness in our own way already - whether it's daydreaming on the bus, staring into space when watching TV or getting a nap.

But when we start to do it consciously to calm our minds down - that's when we're really going to see those rewards.

Now, go stir up those creative juices and enjoy all the benefits of mindfulness at the same time.

Go! There's never a better time that right now!

What happens when you make a change from a place of hope, not fear

I talked a while ago on here about being guilty of future tripping. Getting so lost in what we want to do in the future, and not focusing on the present. I also mentioned that I had big changes which I would share when I was ready. And I'm ready.

Turning my life upside down

In December, I handed in my notice to my permanent job. In January, I handed in my notice on my house. And in March, I'm going to be moving to London in with my other half's family for a while, to save up to go travelling.

I have literally turned my life upside down, and it’s pretty fucking terrifying.

I have moments where I just sit here and think when the hell did I get so brave. I also have times where the more rational side of me comes out wonders what the hell I'm doing.

But you know what? I'm going to be honest - my life situation - up until the I made the decision to really shake shit up - hasn't been serving me.

I'd been thinking about a change for a long time, but I was just too scared to jump. And when I say jump, the options I saw available to me were changing my job, and moving somewhere cheaper. They weren’t both, and moving across the country, and making my dreams of travelling a reality.

All that time thinking about the need to shake things up, I was seriously scared of change. I'd rather be miserable most of the time than take a leap into the unknown.

Sobbing and decisions

One evening in December, I just came home and sobbed. I felt really trapped. The realisation that we'd got a house which was beautiful, but was putting a lot of pressure on us financially and limiting our choices was starting to dawn on me. And the situation I was in employment wise just wasn't serving me anymore, and was simply making me miserable.

The two main and concrete things I had made clear decisions on in my life - where to live and where to work, were just draining

me.

But it wasn’t as movie-like as it sounds like - as if a rock just fell on my head and I woke up to face the music.

It was a long time coming, and it was an evening of really painful desperation, clinging onto any hope of things changing I could get.

It had always been my dream to go travelling and I’d started to believe it was never going to happen. The years were creeping by and I was putting it off for security, something I thought I wanted.

And security became a great excuse for not acting on my dreams, and staying in shit situations that I knew weren’t good for me.

A lot of the motivation for change came from knowing that the only thing stopping me was me

Fear's been what's kept me in my situation longer than was good for me.

I was only able to make the active decisions from a place of real hope rather than out of fear.

Taking risks

Yeah, of course it was a risk handing in my notice on both my job and my house, but luckily we're in the situation where we've got families who are being really emotionally supportive and won't see us homeless.

And I'm completely aware that if it wasn't for that, then our options would have been much more limited, and we're really lucky to have such supportive people around us.

But thankfully, it’s all worked out.

Panic number one has been handled regarding what’s going to happen to my beautiful bunnies. Thankfully they’ll be going to live with my Mum and Dad who love them more than me (I’m kidding, I think!) and who really need some bunny love in their lives.

As for the rest, and future panics, I’m prepared.

I handed in my notice early to have all of February to sort things out without stressing, and it’s working. I’ve got a long list of things to do, but they’re not all house related. I’ve got time to read books I’ve been wanting to read, as well as having time to bubble wrap things and sort through junk.

February is seriously busy for me, and I’ve also got a lot of illness in my family right now, and things are really hard.

But I know if I don’t do this now, I don’t know if I will.

And it’s exciting. But also sad (I’ll go more into that in future posts).

So that's why I've been a bit quiet lately. I've really missed blogging. It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to, but because things in my life are changing in such a big way.

I’m looking forward to keeping you guys updated, and living what I write about.

[Tweet "Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way and take another look at our dreams and really believe in them."]

3 reasons why we don't make time for the things we love (and what you can do about it)

It may come to you as no surprise if you’ve been around my blog for a while, that I love taking walks, and I love doing creative things like art journalling. They both make me feel really good, and they’re my go-to things if I need to clear my head, de-stress and take some time out for me. But I don’t do them as often as I would like to. And I’m guessing that if I asked you your top 2 things that make you feel good, you probably don’t do them as much as you’d like to either.

So what’s going on here?

There's three main reasons why we don't make time for things we love that I’m going to cover in this post. They can be easily overcome, to get more of the good stuff in our lives and to increase our sense of wellbeing in general.

Can I get a hell-yeah?

Great stuff, now down to it:

First reason - We get sidetracked

Life is so busy. And by busy, I don’t only mean the amount of things we need to do. I mean the noise, the level of busy-ness. We’re in the age of multi-tasking. You know what I mean - checking our phones when we wake up in the morning, trying to sneak in a bit of productivity while we cook the evening meal, being on your laptop while watching TV and catching up with family & friends on how their day's been. That kind of thing.

When it comes to doing something you love, allocate time just for that one thing. Put your phone on silent, turn off all distractions and focus. And take it seriously. Downtime for you isn’t something that’s negotiable on the To-Do lis

Self care is hard

There's this myth out there that self care is eeeaasy. It's like this ridiculously simple thing that needs no attention. Simple as running a bath right?

It's not easy

If this whole self care thing was easy, we wouldn't end up burnt out, exhausted and coming down with colds after stressful weeks. If self care was easy, you wouldn't have travel agents trying to get you to buy a trip to some luxury beach resort for thousands of pounds, just so you could unwind.

No, self care is hard. Maybe the act of actually doing things that make us feel good isn't typically hard (say, cuddling a furry pet, getting lost in a good book, going for a walk), but actually getting around to it and noticing it as something that's as vital as a looming deadline is.

Our lives aren't simple

There are always conflicting priorities. There's caring responsibilities, ridiculous work hours/pressure, insanely cute children, just to begin the list. All of us have so many things going on in our lives that tug us in different direction.

And when there are a million of things you could be doing, and feel that you should be doing, sometimes it's pretty hard to lay the boundaries down hard.

It's hard to make the active decision to do something that makes you feel good, even though it's naturally is going to have a positive effect on the rest.

We all know that, but it doesn't make it any easier. Not when we're in the mindset, and the habitual behaviour that our needs come last, and there's always something more important than needs doing.

So this week, I give you this challenge

When you're feeling stressed, like you're being tugged in different directions, or even if you're in one of those

The importance of being compassionate and mindful on social media

I love Facebook and Twitter as much as the next person. Yes they've changed the way we live drastically and while I know my Mum and probably your Mum want to go back to a day when if you wanted to contact someone you had to go to a phone box, I don't. But there is something I've come to really hate about social media. And that's the sharing of graphic, violent posts in the name of stopping violence and cruelty.

I'd much rather see a success story (while knowing that I'm only seeing the 1% of cases).

Seeing someone growing from a struggle is so much more impactful for me than showing a beaten face, a video of a beheading or a slaughterhouse.

Some of us are just too impacted by those images that we have to look away.

Some of us are now just too desensitized to it and I think that's even more of a problem. And when that's the case, people will just refuse to engage at all. And that's just lose lose for everyone.

I'm all for positive change. I've spent my career in the NGO sector and voluntary organisations. But sometimes it would be nice to see the great things on Facebook and Twitter.

Like how brave and fucking bold women who have experienced domestic abuse are. How loving families living in poverty are.

How human we all are.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I will sign your petition or take action when I don't have these images thrust in my face.

It's not that I don't want to acknowledge the abhorrent in the world, it's just that's not something I want to just stumble on while on my bus to work.

Sometimes caring is not sharing. So be mindful when you post. And add trigger warnings. You never know what reaction someone might have.

Rant over.

Why believing you matter will change your life (and the world)

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The below image is the front page of my Radical Self Love Bible (if you haven't already checked it out, I can't recommend the Radical Self Love Bible School by Gala Darling enough!)

And I'm really happy with my front page, because it reminds me that no matter how shit a situation it is, if you can not only remember but believethat you matter, then you can get through all sorts of things.

Small changes and big changes, good things and great things - they all stem from believing that you matter.

But the most important thing? It's about hearing it from ourselves, not relying on other people to make us feel great.

Other people are great at telling us what we're doing wrong, and what we can improve, and that's what we end up focusing on. Think about it - when was the last time someone gave you criticism?

Now - when was the last time someone complimented you?

It's harder to remember the last one isn't it? And I bet the negative comment played on your mind for a lot longer.

The thing about feeling like you matter, is that when you start believing it, all kinds of things start falling into place.

You start making decisions from a different place; one of self value and worth. You start treating yourself better, which can only be good, and you start suddenly finding routes and ways for things you've been wanting to do but thought were a long distant dream.

Sounds good, right? So how do we go about believing that we matter?

Practical Tips

1. Do something you're good at, often. It doesn't need to be so impressive. Recognise your strengths and play to them when you can.

2. Do something you enjoy. It's as simple as that. Get lost in something that makes you feel amazing, and live in the moment.

3. Build a protective bubble around things that make you feel shitty. Have a job you hate? A relative that makes you want to scream? Build great things around the time you spend doing things that aren't so great, and remember them, often.

4. Do something that scares you. When you face fear and do something that scares you (even if only a little bit), you get to see first hand just how strong you are, and how you can tackle things you never thought you could.

5. Think about the things you'll regret not doing, and try and find a good reason not to do them. If you can find one, forget it. If you can't, make a plan.

You fucking matter. You really do. And it's when you start to value yourself that you make the change in the world, that only you can do. 

9 Life lessons from my house bunnies

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Two years ago this month, I bought my two house bunnies, Harry and Gilby. Aside from providing eons of entertainment and cuteness, I think between them, they’ve modelled quite a few lessons about how to live a good - and very furry-  life, which I’m going to share below like a proud mother:

1. Everyone should binky with excitement. 

** If you’ve never seen a rabbit binky, you have to check it out here. (It will make your day, or at least make you smile). **

As humans, generally speaking, we don’t randomly binky, or burst with excitement. Whether this is because we’re reserved, or we’re worried about being judged, I don’t know. But what I do know is that life would be a hell of a lot more fulfilling if we did show our excitement, and let loose once in a while! So next time you feel excited, or feel the random need to dance around, just go for it.

2. A good nap does a lot of good

Whether it’s mid morning, after lunch or late evening, Harry and Gilby LOVE a nap. Harold tends to lie like he’s impersonating roadkill, and Gilbert likes to flop on his side in the most dramatic manner possible.

The lesson here? Monitor your energy, and be OK with the times where there’s nothing you’d rather do than get back in bed with the duvet over your head and take a quick snooze. Nothing wrong with it, in fact, it’s quite cute. And we all like to be cute sometimes, don’t lie.

3. Boundaries are a good thing

Chances are, you probably don’t need to corner off parts of your house to stop yourself from eating cables, laptop charger wires, bank statements, the book you’re reading… you get the picture. (If you do, I can totally help you with this). But what you do need is to have healthy boundaries around your health, your relationships, your work and your time, to be able to take care of you and make sure you treat yourself, and others treat you in a way you like. So go corner off the parts of your life that you want to protect and put up good barriers to keep them clear.

4. Stomp like your life depends on it

When a rabbit in the wild is in danger, they stomp to alert other rabbits of the danger. When you have a house rabbit (that has no concept of real danger), they stomp when you don’t feed them on time, when they don’t like their hay, when they want attention, and when they want you to come downstairs in the middle of the night and think someone’s breaking in. When you have two house rabbits, they do all of the above, and set each other off and copy each other - no one tells you this when you decide to take the little bundles of fluff home. Short lesson here: put your foot down to things you don’t like, stand up for yourself, and expect to be treated in a way that is respectful. If not, stomp it like you mean it.

5. Staring into space helps

Gilby and Harry seem to find staring at the wall a leisurely activity. Apart from the times where they both stare at a particular spot in the room and stomp (and I get worried that my house is haunted), they seem quite content just to daze off. Some of my best ideas have come to me when I’m absent mindedly day dreaming or carrying out day to day tasks. Heck, the idea behind That Hummingbird Life came to me in the shower one day. Lesson here? Life is about showing up, and giving yourself space to daydream. You never know what thoughts are going to show up.

6. Everyone needs a cuddle sometimes

Nothing more, nothing less. But try and make it someone you know.

7. Appreciate the little things in life 

A short story here. When Harry was a baby bunny, he lost half his body weight in four days, he nearly died but he didn’t, that’s all you need to know. The vet prescribed pineapple juice which we had to feed him through a syringe (to help his stomach) and I have never seen a happier or more excited living thing in the history of my life. And that was over pineapple juice! So while you’re planning big things and buying expensive things that you think are going to make you feel better about your life, don’t skip the small things. Chances are, when you look back over your life, it was the little things that will stick out the strongest and have the biggest impact on you.

8. Don't do what is expected of you

Despite everything you read about bunnies, Harold and Gilbert are totally un-fussed about carrots. I'd go as far as to say that Harold doesn't even like carrots. Not even a teeny bit. And people are always surprised when I tell them, or when they offer to look after them and assume that they just need to feed them carrots. In fact, carrots actually make them a bit ill. The moral of the story? Don't do things because you think you should or because you think it's expected of you. Do things because you want to, and because they make you feel good.

9. Things will always work out in the end

Whether they’re being binkying, napping, trying to get to cables, stomping, staring at the wall, being cuddled or drinking pineapple juice, all of the activities have one thing in common. Everything works out in the end. They wake up and trust that I’ll feed them. Which I do. They flip over and have a nap and trust that they’ll be rested. And they are. They vaguely clean themselves and trust that I’ll make a fuss over how cute they are. And I do. The lesson here? Everything will be alright, everything has a way of working out even if you can’t see it right now. And if everything’s feeling up the shitter right now, contact me and I’ll send you some pictures of the terrible twosome which I guarantee will make you go awww.

Celebrating the shit out of your small wins

When it comes to standing up for yourself, changing habits, achieving goals, and basically anything in life, there's one thing that's going to help. And that's starting to celebrate the shit out of your small wins.

So, what is a small win?

It’s doing something small that will help you achieve a larger goal, or helps you into doing something bigger.

I know that sounds really shitting obvious, but often, we don’t take the time to see all the little things that amalgamate to the big thing.

I mean, we could all do with the reminder every now and about that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Because something that’s really easy to forget.

As technology changes, we’re getting used to instant gratification. Want to buy something? Quick click and it’s done. Want to learn a new skill? Sure, there are a thousand video tutorials to choose from.

And at some point we started applying the same strategy to our goals.

We start wanting to achieve our goals before we’ve even decided what they are.

So when we decide that we need to learn to say no, we expect ourselves to be able to do it straight away.

The thing about small wins

is that once you start celebrating them, the journey gets that much better, because we’re giving ourselves a boost and acknowledging our achievements.

Think about that infamous saying, happiness is a journey, not a destination.

It’s so true.

And if we can make that journey even richer, the better.

So, today, I’m going to share a small win I had yesterday.

Our landlady has just arranged for someone she knows to clean our windows. We already have a window cleaner we pay privately, but obviously, it make economic sense to cancel our window cleaner, and go with the new one, which will be covered by our landlords.

That of course involves telling someone I don’t want their service anymore.

It might not be for you, but for me, that’s an awkward situation, because I’m not a huge fan of conversations where I turn people away.

So, I explained the situation to him, was nice about it, and low and behold, he got it.

And it was easy. It wasn’t awkward, he was lovely about it.

I could have berated myself about making a big deal about nothing, but I reframed it into a positive and it felt good.

How about you? What’s something you’ve done today that you can celebrate?

No win is too small, and no celebration is too big!

It’s the small wins that will keep you on track to wherever you’re heading.

7 ways to become assertive and stop people pleasing

I used to be scared of being assertive. I thought I would alienate people, turn people away, and I thought people would just think I was a massive bitch. I've spent a lot of my life being a people pleaser. While I dress in bright and bold colours (that never match), have colourful language and like thinking outside of the box, I've spent a long time in fear of offending or being rude to people, and being judged.

And being a people pleaser is exhuasting. But the things we don't even consider are the most damaging:

* When we're busy people pleasing, we're telling ourselves that we're less important, and that our needs are less important

* Our decisions are made from a place of fear and wanting to appease others, instead of for ourselves

* We're putting a lot of ourselves on the line for other people, who probably don't even think twice.

And there lies the problem. When we're scared of being assertive and are busy people pleasing, we're looking at the outcomes based on other people’s perception, instead of thinking what it would do for us.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I've learned to be assertive.

 And funnily enough, becoming assertive didn’t make me a bitch. Instead, I feel like I have more control over my life, which makes me happier.

By standing my ground, I actually find that people have more respect for me and my confidence has grown.

And people know where I stand. When I said yes to something, my friends and family know I mean it, instead of going along with it to make life easier. And the same goes with saying no.

It's a hard transition, going from someone who is worried about being judged by the decisions they make, to someone who approaches the world with the same level of kindness, but more rough around the edges. But from someone who's been there, there are lots of things you can you can do to make it a bit easier and start the journey.

1. Write a manifesto

Knowing what you stand for is one of the best foundations you can have for becoming assertive. A manifesto is a no holding back declaration of who you are - it is unapologetically you. It's generally just for you, and encompasses everything that makes you you, forgetting and not caring what others might think.There are lots of resources you can use for this, but Alexandra Franzen's guide to writing a mind-blowing manifesto is a favourite of mine. You can find her guide here.

2. Think about people you like who are assertive

Somewhere along the line, being an assertive woman became synonymous with being a bitch. As women, we've spent centuries fighting for our right to have a voice and be listened to, so it isn't surprising that we struggle when it comes to assertiveness. To challenge this belief, have a think about a friend or family member who you like, who is also assertive. Does their assertiveness make you like them any less? How do people react to it? What do they do when they're asserting themselves? Chances are, they're things you can adapt for yourself, and remember - they had to learn to be assertive too.

3. Make a list of the positives that will come with being assertive

I love a list. I particularly love a list that's useful, that you can stick up somewhere. Have a think about why you started reading this post in the first place. Why do you want to become assertive? What do you think you'll get out of being assertive? Is it so people will stop taking the piss and taking you for granted? Is it because you're on the final straw and have just had enough of people treating you the way they say fit? Put it all down, and put it somewhere that you'll see it. That way, when you're putting boundaries into place, you know the wider perspective of why its so important.

4. Be realistic about the people you're worried are judging you

I'd say 95% of the people you see on a daily basis (in a supermarket, at a bus stop, in a cafe), you are never going to see again. And as horrible as it might sound, they're minds are probably full of problems in their own world, and they won't care if you fringe looks a bit wonky or if you assert yourself in a queue. They don't really care as they have bigger fish to fry.

5. The swimming costume story

Building on from the last point, I want to share you a story that my Mum told me when I was younger. I remember being terrified about going swimming because I thought my thighs were fat. I thought people were going to judge me.  I thought people were going to laugh at me and point and stare. I shared my embarrassment with my Mum and she told me that the people in the swimming pool would be more worried thinking about how they look, and their own hang ups to even register mine. And she was right. I went swimming, no one pointed and laughed, and I had a lovely time. The same is true now. People are too busy worrying about being judged themselves than they are judging you! Unless they're really horrible people, and if so, read this.

6.  Be kind to yourself

At some point, if we want other people to stop judging us, we need to stop judging ourselves. We're so fixated on negative things we think about ourselves, that we don't even stop to think that other people probably haven't even noticed. Keep a list of compliments that other people have given you, write a list of things you do like about yourself. See the good things, and focus in on them.

7. Find little ways to be assertive.

This can be as creative as you like. It could start with telling someone who's pushed in a queue that you were in front of them. It could be sending food back in a restaurant if it's not cooked right. It could be getting used to asking people in a shop where things are. The steps you take and how big they are will all depend on your situation, but remember to count each of your wins, no matter how small. (But don't turn into a dictator and be nasty to people just for the sake of testing our your new assertiveness skills, that's not cool).

Some people won't like it when you become assertive but that’s their problem. There’s nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself and saying no. Though it does take practice, it infact makes your life easier in the long run!

But let’s face it, life is never going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean you need to sabotage yourself and make it harder!

So, to wrap up, I just want to say a couple more things that are really important. Firstly, learning to be assertive takes time.  Don't beat yourself up every time you slip up. Accept that it's a process and celebrate the small wins along the way. Keep a list of them, and feel good, because you should!

And, lastly and most importantly, remember:

You weren't born to take up space, your feelings are just as important as anyone else's and you fucking matter.

3 ways to say no and stop people taking you for granted

“It would be easier, and quicker if I just did it.”“It will cause an argument if I said no, and I hate conflict"

Sound familiar?

I thought so.

So let’s take a couple of scenarios:

1. You’re at work and your colleague is taking a loooong time to do a basic task. Sometimes you jump in to offer them help because it’s a less painless experience all round. But this time, you’ve held back and they’ve asked for your help. You know fully well that it’s easier to do it yourself than explain it so they can do it. You’ve got quite a few deadlines yourself but it’s only going to take about half hour and it’s just easier all round if you get it done with. 2. You’re out with a partner/friend and you’re going for a bite to eat. You’ve been wanting to try this quirky new restaurant for a while now and hear the menu’s great and you both agreed this sounded like a great plan last week. Now it’s come to crunch time, they’ve changed her mind and you end up agreeing to go to the restaurant you usually go to. You would put your point across but you don’t want to ruin the night and cause a scene.

So what’s going on here?

Quite a few things, but namely two:

1. You feel that it’s easier just to go along and do what is asked of you

2. You avoid conflict

Hence, you say yes to both. And your urge to say no remains.

But it’s not really what you want. In the first situation, while you may have the time to do it, you’ve also got your own work which is a much bigger priority. Taking just half an hour out to help a colleague (and it wouldn’t be the first or the second time) will inevitably put you behind, increasing your stress levels in the long run. And if we’re brutally honest, you’re not really helping your colleague in the long run, because they won’t learn what they need to. They’ll keep scraping deadlines because you help them, hence becoming dependent on you.

In the second situation, you’re not being true to yourself. Because you don’t want to cause a scene (and I’m not judging, I’ve done this plenty of times), you’re happy to sacrifice your own wants and needs. You don't want to remind them of your conversation last night because you don't want to ruin the evening.  What we don’t often consider, is that in doing so, it’s creating a power relationship where you never get your way, and there’s little compromise. You end up going along with something you didn’t really want to keep the peace. And nobody wants to end up in a resentful friendship/relationship.

Let’s be honest, both scenarios are a bit shit.

When you’re stuck in a situation where saying no is the easier option or saves you an argument, here are some things you can do:

1. The Broken Record

This is one of my favourites, but I can’t claim credit for it. The Broken Record is an old technique taught through counselling, to help set boundaries. It’s as simple as this - come up with a statement that reaffirms the point you want to get across and keep repeating it. For example:

“I’m really busy right now, but if I get time to have a look at it, I’ll let you know” - sets the boundaries and leaves the ball in your court. Win!

“I’d really like to do x, I’ve been wanting to for ages and thought it would be nice to go together.” - You’re putting your needs out there, unapologetically and have considered the both/group of you. Win!

You can alter how you say your broken record statement, but keep the essence the same to make boundaries as clear as possible and to avoid confusion.

TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED WEB

2. Be objective

If someone is asking you to do something, try and be objective. This is hard at first, because it involves taking the emotion out of it, but it gets easier with time.

For example, let’s say your neighbour asks you to go and pick something up for them just as they can see you’ve come home from your weekly shopping trip, it wouldn’t make sense to go back out. It would take more time (which is limited), more money (to get there and back) and implies it's okay that neighbour can keep asking you to do things last minute.

It may be a case of applying the broken record and coming to a compromise. Maybe they can let you know earlier in the week should they need something.

3. What would you say if didn’t give a shit what other people thought?

This can be as harsh or as friendly as you want it to, depending on the circumstance. For example, telling someone to fuck off and do it themselves is probably rarely necessary, and is definitely not going to help in a working environment. But if you’ve got good banter with a friend, used in a humorous way, it might put your point across firmly.

The best way to use this technique, is to come up with what you would say if you didn’t give a shit what other people think and hurting other's feelings and translate it into something a bit nicer.

Give them a go, and let me know how you get on! Saying yes to things you don't want to do does make life harder for you a lot of the time. You may save an argument on a particular occasion, but that's a lot of resentment to store and hold onto.

Remember.  saying no means less doing things that you don’t want to, and more time to do things that you actually want to do. This makes for a happier you and better relationships with people around you. And that's got to be a good thing!

I'd love to see if this has helped you! Let me know in the comments!

This one word could change everything

As passionate women who are committed to making an impact in the world, we tend to say yes a shitload more than we say no.

Imagine:

1. A colleague asks you if you could do a bit of extra work as they won't get round to it and they've got a really important deadline to meet. You've always got on really well with this person on a personal level, but this isn't the first time they've asked. You wanted to get home normal time because you've had a really long week and it's the one night of the week where you have the house/flat to yourself. You can nearly hear that book calling you from your bedside table. But you know if you do that piece of work, it'll be great for your company, and it really doesn't take much.

2, A friend asks you last minute if you can have a quick look over a letter they're writing. You're rushing out of the house and need to get going, but you love your friend, and know it won't take long. You don't want to be late to dinner with your sister, but you're sure she'll understand when you explain it. Everyone usually does, afterall!

Let's say you say yes to both your colleague and your friend. Despite being completely different scenarios, there are two things that are happening here.

1) You technically could do it

2) You're putting their needs ahead of your own.

Technically, you could stay around to do that extra bit of work, or read over that letter for your friend. It probably wouldn't take you that long, and sometimes the end justifies the means right? Both are possible, feed into your image of being a good person (no offence, I'm completely with you here), and are pretty easy.

But let's throw a couple of other scenarios into the pot as well.

Technically you could create a pair of wings, go jump off a building and try to fly.

Technically, you could eat your body's weight in chocolate,

Technically, you could sell your left foot on the black market.

But it doesn't mean you're going to. You I could do all of those things, but it doesn't mean you should. They would end in a great result, to say the least!

The difference between the situation? Acknowledging the difference between could and should.

Let's shake shit up. Technically you could do it, but that doesn't mean you have to/should do it. 

Here's the thing. When you say yes for the reason that you could do it because it is possible, your needs go further and further down the list. It's only something little, you tell yourself.

But when you add all of those little things together, including the energy and time, that leaves very little left for you.

They add up.

So here are some things to try out:

1) Most important, life changing tip - replace your shoulds with coulds

2) Deliberately say no to one thing that you could do, but you don't want to (for whatever reason).

3) Watch and monitor how people react when you say no. Is it what you expected, and how does that make you feel?

I don't know about you, but when I replace should with could, life feels a bit lighter. I feel like I have more choices, I feel like I'm a bit more free.

You are worth more than your to-do list!

Got a to-do list on the go? Got it with you right now? Good.

Now rip it up.

I’m being serious.

Rip it up, just today.

You are more than your to-do list. You are more than the sum of everything you have to do today.

If, and only if, the world will end if you don’t do the items on your to do list, pick just three.

You are here, you are alive and you have hopes and dreams.

Living your life, means exactly that. Living it.

Being present, living in the moment and experiencing things.

Go do something that makes you feel alive.

Decision making 101 - heart vs logic

When was the last time you made a decision for yourself without relying on others? For some, that might not even be an issue, for others, it’s a bit of a wake up call.

Giving decisions away

I have always relied on others to help me make decisions. I find big decisions scary, and have always asked people around me for their ten cents (or twenty, hell, maybe a dollar). I can recall plenty of times where I would have happily given the decision for someone else to make, just for it to be out of my hands, and for the decision to be made dammit. This was the case when deciding whether to quit a job, change courses and get my adorable house rabbits.

In the past, I’ve got myself so het up trying to make decisions that I’ve ended up feeling sick, and becoming truly obsessive. I’m like a girl with a one track mind (minus the filth).

If you spoke to me on any given day a  couple of years ago and asked me what my gut feeling was, it would have gone something like this:

‘I think I know what I should do, but what if a happens. What is b doesn’t happen. What about c? What do you think?’

‘I shouldn’t do it. There. I’ve made my decision’. A couple of minutes later ‘Nope, I’m going to do it, ahhhh I don’t know what to do’

Hence the need to rely on others in making decision.

But here’s the thing. When you start relying on others to help you make decisions, they’re not your decisions. This may seem obvious, and it is, but there are a  myriad of underlying factors that I didn’t realise while running to other people:

1. The only person that has your best interests at heart is you

It doesn’t matter how much someone loves you, or does for you, at the end of the day, the person who cares most about what happens to you is yourself. I’m not being mean, I’m telling you the truth. Hence the best person to make decisions in your life really is you.

2. The people you turn to may have their own motives

Hard to admit but sometimes true. And they might not even realise it.

3. Your self esteem

Take a minute to think about the internal messages you’re sending to yourself when you’re looking to other people to (help) make decisions for you. You’re telling yourself ‘I can’t do this on my own’, ‘I don’t trust myself to make a good decision’ and ‘Other people have more control over my life’. These aren’t good messages.

4. Dependency culture

If you get to the point where you can’t make a decision without phoning a friend (or using a lifeline - kudos if you got the reference), you become dependent on other people. Power within relationships becomes reinforced and that doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

But we don’t think of them. We focus on how much better it is to have more people involved in the decision making process. Maybe there is even some relief, that if it doesn’t work out, you’re not the only one to blame (or so you may tell yourself).

I’m not advocating for all decisions to be made by yourself all the time.

I’m advocating for trust in yourself.

[Tweet " You know how to make good decisions for yourself."]

Exercise

If that sounds all good and well but you’ve got no idea how to go about it, try these on for size:

•   Set a timer-  there’s a great quote that says that every problem can be solved in 15 minutes. Next time you’re stuck, set a timer, apply the below and see where it gets you.

•   Make a decision and don’t go back on it, (if it feels right.) Sometimes our decisions aren’t logical. Sometimes, what may logistically work out, is the very thing we try to avoid. (For example, let’s say I want to make money. It may make logical sense to climb the corporate ladder in a job I don’t enjoy. That’s just not going to work for me, because I value my time a lot more than I value money). The heart usually wins over the mind.

•   Pros & Cons list - good old fashioned two column list works like a treat, just be sure to remember that some points are worth more than others, so tallying each side up and seeing which one is the highest doesn’t always work.

•   What makes you feel good? As long as you’re not exploiting others, this is often the best to go with.

[Tweet "Living a whole hearted and heart centred life starts with trusting yourself."]

You, and only you are the expert in your life.

You know what makes you happy, you know what makes you want to scream, and what sends you running for your duvet.

Friends & families are important and they do matter when it comes to the big decisions, but when you’re making a decision to make your life more [insert your own adjective here], you’re the only one that can make the decision and get it right.