Why you need to stop googling productivity hacks

I like a to-do list like anyone else, and to be honest, I'm pretty overwhelmed at the sheer amount of apps designed to increase productivity. Yeah, the whole conversation does appeal to my (slightly anal) organised (chaos) side. Especially when you add in funky looking day planners and downloadable pdfs.

But please, can we just stop with trying to up 24 hours in a day to 48 million?!

I mean seriously. Let’s chill out.

A couple of years ago, I really believed that every hour of every day had to mean something. I had to be achieving things all the time. Multi tasking wasn’t just my best friend. It was my super duper BFF who I did EVERYTHING with.

I was going a million miles an hour, and everything was urgent, everything needed to be done yesterday. Everything was NOW, NOW NOW.

Jeez, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about it.

Productivity hacks were my jam. Anything to make my day more productive and more successful.

I would crash out in my bed at night, already planning my hundred and one tasks for the next day, not taking time to see what I had achieved. I wasn’t celebrating my small wins.

Also, I wasn’t really achieving much more than adding knots to my belt towards my eventual burnout.

Of course, I like a day where you get the things done that you wanted to. I mean, it feels good. It feels satisfying. (I now focus on getting 3 things done a day, and I give myself time to get sidetracked. And happily so.)

But, come on, being productive doesn’t have to be so masochistic. It doesn’t have to mean neglecting to eat, sleep and love. It doesn’t have to leave us ill and leave us constantly feeling inferior.

And besides, when complete overwhelm kicks in, the one thing that’s really going to help is the one thing that feels completely counter-intuitive.

Taking time out

Getting some perspective, stepping away and coming to the realisation that things will not crash and burn like we think they will if we take the afternoon out.

So please, stop googling how to be productive. 

Stop reading those Buzzfeed lists on how to increase your output.

Stop being so damn hard on yourself.

Stop thinking that every minute has to count - that you have to achieve something or get something done every second of the day.

Every minute counts, of course it does, it’s life! But I guarantee you won’t regret spending time with loved ones and making memories.

Let’s start a new conversation. A conversation about the need to take time out and stop glorifying being horrendously busy.

5 things to remember when you're exhausted

I'm gonna be honest with you - I am exhausted. Things have been pretty hard lately. I've moved house, started a new job and haven't had much time for rest.

Emotionally, and physically, I'm exhausted. 

So, I wanted to share with you some things to keep at the front of your mind when you're overcome with exhaustion and you need that final push.

1. Exhaustion happens to the best of us

It's not something that happens to the weak, and it's not a trophy of our hardworking nature. It's the result of having lots of things that take priority at the same time, and not having the proper time needed to have some quality downtime. It's human. (Now breathe!)

2. There is an end

It might not be in sight right now, but there is an end to the madness. In the meantime, do whatever you can to take breaks and remember that this will soon be a distant memory.

3. It's not the best time to make big decisions

Decisions are hard enough when things are calm, let alone when there's a storm brewing. Make the decisions you need to and park the rest for finer weather.

4. Celebrate your small wins

I'm gonna keep on saying this 'till the cows come home. Split tasks into manageable chunks and take note of progress and let yourself feel good about what you're doing.

And most importantly....

5. Remember your WHY

It's easy to lose sight of the big picture when you're stressed out, exhausted and overwhelmed. Have a one minute check-in. Close your eyes and think of the three biggest reasons why you're doing what you're doing. Then march ahead.

Go keep fighting and doing what you gotta do, but please remember, if you don't take care of yourself and make yourself a priority, it ain't gonna be pretty. 

10 ways to make doing things that suck, suck less

We've all got things we don't like doing - things that suck. For me, it's bad attitude, washing up, getting up early, changing the bins, and being late. Generally speaking, we get over it.

Then there's some things that are just really shit. They might be a one-off, or don't happen that regularly like having a meeting with your boss that you know probably isn't going to great, supporting people you love through illness, or making decisions that you really don't want to.

Let's face it - everyone has their own definition of shit - what may be my worst nightmare may be just something you do in your day-to-day life.

And that's the way it should be, because we're all different. (Judging people based on whether their shit compare to your shit isn't ok hthough.).

Having things you can do to deal with the shit helps. It helps us get through situations that really suck, and builds our internal resilience.

So, today I'm sharing things that can buffer situations that suck, and ways to look after yourself in the process.

Because it's all about self-care y'all know!

1. Bubble wrap the thing that sucks

Think of the thing that really sucks as being a fragile item. To some extent it has to be there, but that doesn't mean that it needs to be exposed to all the elements. With that in mind, bubble wrap the experience with nice things that don't need much mental focus.   Before said shit thing, get a good night's sleep and have a hearty breakfast. After, plan a night in binge watching your favourite TV show, or reading a book.

2. Get some space and perspective

Too often, we get bogged down and the things we don't want to do become all-encompassing and they begin to blind side us. That's why taking some time our to get perspective is so helpful. For me, that means going to sit by the river near by my house, on my favourite log and just staring at the water and watching the ducks. It reduces my anxiety and reminds me of all the good things, and plans for the future. Whatever peace means for you, go try and get some before you embark on the rest of the day.

3. Get stuck in a good book

There's nothing like a page turner to get you out of your world and transport you somewhere far away. Say you've got a meeting that you're really dreading and know it's next week - a couple of days before, spend some time picking a book and getting really into it. A good book has got me out of the foulest moods many a time, and I really recommend it!

4. Phone a friend

Sometimes the thing we fancy doing the least is the thing that will help the most. Friends are there for the good and the bad, and it's okay to ask for help or for a listening ear. Ring up a close friend and talk it out with them. It's not about finding a solution, it's just about letting off some steam and getting support.

5. Put on your favourite music

Plug your headphones in and let them do the work. Choose music that makes you feel good, or you find cathartic, turn it up loud and let is carry you away. Sometimes this is all we need!

6. Have space for reflection

I'm of the belief that often the best learning curves and lessons come from the things that weren't great. And taking the time to reflect and think of lessons that can be learned from an experience can be great for dealing with future experiences.

7. Own your feelings, not anyone else's

We can only be responsible for how we feel, and that's something really worth remembering during shit times. How other people choose to respond is up to them. By putting in place those boundaries, we're less likely to feel powerless, and more likely to be able to cope ourselves. Just know that in every given moment, you're doing the best you can.

8. Remind yourself why you're doing it

Really go back to basics. Grab a pen and paper and write a list of the reasons why you're doing it. Keep yourself grounded by looking at your list before said shit things that put things into perspective. Sometimes we get the greatest gains out of doing things we don't want to do, and it's worth making sure the table is balanced.

9. Do something you really love

When faced with not so great situations, do something that makes you come alive. Think of things you absolutely love doing, and make time for them. I've written before on my blog about why we don't make time for doing the things we love. Make that time now.

10. Celebrate when it's all over

I'm all about celebrating small wins and finding closure to situations. It's more than making yourself feel good - it's about being proud of yourself for getting through it, and knowing you can get through hard stuff in the future. Go treat yourself to something, go somewhere you've been wanting to go and just celebrate yourself.

So there we have it, 10 things you can do to make doing things that suck, suck less. If you've got suggestions, I'd love to hear them below in the comments!

And remember, if all else fails, remember:

"No fim, tudo dá certo. Se não deu, ainda não chegou ao fim."Translation: "In the end, everything will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not yet the end.

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What happens when you make a change from a place of hope, not fear

I talked a while ago on here about being guilty of future tripping. Getting so lost in what we want to do in the future, and not focusing on the present. I also mentioned that I had big changes which I would share when I was ready. And I'm ready.

Turning my life upside down

In December, I handed in my notice to my permanent job. In January, I handed in my notice on my house. And in March, I'm going to be moving to London in with my other half's family for a while, to save up to go travelling.

I have literally turned my life upside down, and it’s pretty fucking terrifying.

I have moments where I just sit here and think when the hell did I get so brave. I also have times where the more rational side of me comes out wonders what the hell I'm doing.

But you know what? I'm going to be honest - my life situation - up until the I made the decision to really shake shit up - hasn't been serving me.

I'd been thinking about a change for a long time, but I was just too scared to jump. And when I say jump, the options I saw available to me were changing my job, and moving somewhere cheaper. They weren’t both, and moving across the country, and making my dreams of travelling a reality.

All that time thinking about the need to shake things up, I was seriously scared of change. I'd rather be miserable most of the time than take a leap into the unknown.

Sobbing and decisions

One evening in December, I just came home and sobbed. I felt really trapped. The realisation that we'd got a house which was beautiful, but was putting a lot of pressure on us financially and limiting our choices was starting to dawn on me. And the situation I was in employment wise just wasn't serving me anymore, and was simply making me miserable.

The two main and concrete things I had made clear decisions on in my life - where to live and where to work, were just draining

me.

But it wasn’t as movie-like as it sounds like - as if a rock just fell on my head and I woke up to face the music.

It was a long time coming, and it was an evening of really painful desperation, clinging onto any hope of things changing I could get.

It had always been my dream to go travelling and I’d started to believe it was never going to happen. The years were creeping by and I was putting it off for security, something I thought I wanted.

And security became a great excuse for not acting on my dreams, and staying in shit situations that I knew weren’t good for me.

A lot of the motivation for change came from knowing that the only thing stopping me was me

Fear's been what's kept me in my situation longer than was good for me.

I was only able to make the active decisions from a place of real hope rather than out of fear.

Taking risks

Yeah, of course it was a risk handing in my notice on both my job and my house, but luckily we're in the situation where we've got families who are being really emotionally supportive and won't see us homeless.

And I'm completely aware that if it wasn't for that, then our options would have been much more limited, and we're really lucky to have such supportive people around us.

But thankfully, it’s all worked out.

Panic number one has been handled regarding what’s going to happen to my beautiful bunnies. Thankfully they’ll be going to live with my Mum and Dad who love them more than me (I’m kidding, I think!) and who really need some bunny love in their lives.

As for the rest, and future panics, I’m prepared.

I handed in my notice early to have all of February to sort things out without stressing, and it’s working. I’ve got a long list of things to do, but they’re not all house related. I’ve got time to read books I’ve been wanting to read, as well as having time to bubble wrap things and sort through junk.

February is seriously busy for me, and I’ve also got a lot of illness in my family right now, and things are really hard.

But I know if I don’t do this now, I don’t know if I will.

And it’s exciting. But also sad (I’ll go more into that in future posts).

So that's why I've been a bit quiet lately. I've really missed blogging. It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to, but because things in my life are changing in such a big way.

I’m looking forward to keeping you guys updated, and living what I write about.

[Tweet "Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way and take another look at our dreams and really believe in them."]

3 reasons why we don't make time for the things we love (and what you can do about it)

It may come to you as no surprise if you’ve been around my blog for a while, that I love taking walks, and I love doing creative things like art journalling. They both make me feel really good, and they’re my go-to things if I need to clear my head, de-stress and take some time out for me. But I don’t do them as often as I would like to. And I’m guessing that if I asked you your top 2 things that make you feel good, you probably don’t do them as much as you’d like to either.

So what’s going on here?

There's three main reasons why we don't make time for things we love that I’m going to cover in this post. They can be easily overcome, to get more of the good stuff in our lives and to increase our sense of wellbeing in general.

Can I get a hell-yeah?

Great stuff, now down to it:

First reason - We get sidetracked

Life is so busy. And by busy, I don’t only mean the amount of things we need to do. I mean the noise, the level of busy-ness. We’re in the age of multi-tasking. You know what I mean - checking our phones when we wake up in the morning, trying to sneak in a bit of productivity while we cook the evening meal, being on your laptop while watching TV and catching up with family & friends on how their day's been. That kind of thing.

When it comes to doing something you love, allocate time just for that one thing. Put your phone on silent, turn off all distractions and focus. And take it seriously. Downtime for you isn’t something that’s negotiable on the To-Do lis

The importance of being compassionate and mindful on social media

I love Facebook and Twitter as much as the next person. Yes they've changed the way we live drastically and while I know my Mum and probably your Mum want to go back to a day when if you wanted to contact someone you had to go to a phone box, I don't. But there is something I've come to really hate about social media. And that's the sharing of graphic, violent posts in the name of stopping violence and cruelty.

I'd much rather see a success story (while knowing that I'm only seeing the 1% of cases).

Seeing someone growing from a struggle is so much more impactful for me than showing a beaten face, a video of a beheading or a slaughterhouse.

Some of us are just too impacted by those images that we have to look away.

Some of us are now just too desensitized to it and I think that's even more of a problem. And when that's the case, people will just refuse to engage at all. And that's just lose lose for everyone.

I'm all for positive change. I've spent my career in the NGO sector and voluntary organisations. But sometimes it would be nice to see the great things on Facebook and Twitter.

Like how brave and fucking bold women who have experienced domestic abuse are. How loving families living in poverty are.

How human we all are.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I will sign your petition or take action when I don't have these images thrust in my face.

It's not that I don't want to acknowledge the abhorrent in the world, it's just that's not something I want to just stumble on while on my bus to work.

Sometimes caring is not sharing. So be mindful when you post. And add trigger warnings. You never know what reaction someone might have.

Rant over.

The ultimate guide to future tripping

Are you guilty of future tripping? I absolutely am!

What is future tripping

At its most basic, future tripping is when we occupy our time thinking in terms of the future. While there are a number of reasons why we all do it, it's basically when we're stuck in what we want our future to look like that we lose out on the present.

I first heard the term used by Jess Lively, and thought to myself, shit that's what people have meant all those times they told me to enjoy the present!

Future tripping usually occurs in two ways:

1. We're too busy worrying about the future, or end results of thing we're doing to enjoy the present so we end up future tripping

2. We don't like a situation we're in, but not ready to make a change, so end up fantasizing about our future instead.

For me, I spend a lot of time thinking about what my future holds, what I want to do, what I want to create, what I want to do with my time tomorrow.

Basically, future tripping is leaving the present to worry about the future.

Future tripping is something we all do to some extent, some more than others. And it's something we're brought up learning to do. What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you want to do with your life? You need to think about the future! Sound familiar?!

Here are some examples of how future tripping happens in our everyday life:

• Getting an opportunity/job and only focusing on how its going to impact future career decisions in a couple of years time, instead of celebrating new things

• Sitting in your office, dreaming of travelling and not doing anything to achieve it, other than spending an obscene amount of time on Trip Advisor at home

• Being at the dining room table surrounded by your loved ones, thinking not of how much your loved ones mean to you, but worrying about that deadline/chores/the kitchen sink.

• Spending all your time talking about the future

The thing about future tripping? We miss out on some great things that are happening/could be happening right now.

Don't get me wrong, future tripping is a great form of escapism and can be the source of making some  huge changes in your life. But, if your circumstances aren't great (you're in a relationship/job/house/place that doesn't serve you), you can easily sink into the black hole of future tripping.

Now, I could talk until the cows come home (or until Michael Buble shows up at my front door) about the importance of being present/ways to be present, but that's of no use if you can't see the dark underside of future tripping.

Future tripping helps you to imagine change, but without actually doing something to get it.

That's until you wake up one day, realise how truly shit you find the situation to discover that you're not any nearer to solving the situation. And that can be a pretty dark place.

You know what they say about how visualising your goals/telling someone you know about them can give you the same feeling of euphoria that you'd feel in achieving them? With future tripping, it's the same.

You can get so stuck in dreaming about your future, or worrying about the future, that you've completely let go of the present.

FUTURE TRIPPING WEB

Future-tripping's best friend

That's where action and planning comes into it - future tripping's counterpart. When we actively do things to change a situation, that's when we make the changes.

But, no matter how much you hate the reality, unless you truly acknowledge it, you're not going to do anything to change it.

And if you spend most of your life stuck in future tripping, you're sure as hell not going to enjoy it.

So what can you do to stop yourself from being caught in the trap of future tripping?

1. Be gentle with yourself - future tripping is learnt behaviour and takes a long time to change.

2. Recognise when you're future tripping and bring yourself back to the present.

3. Create some practices that keep you in the present:

When you're getting ready to go to something that you know you'll really enjoy (a birthday meal, visiting friends/relatives, going on a big trip or just going on a walk in beautiful weather), grab a piece of paper and write a list of what you're currently worrying about. Leave your worries behind on that piece of paper. It's up to you if you pick them back up when you return.

Start a gratitude practice. Each evening find three good things that have happened during your day to make you smile. Doing this right before you go to bed can make for a much better night's sleep.

Absorb the moment. When you're in a good situation, lap it up. Take a mental photograph of the moment, and enjoy it.

Future tripping is a call to action.

Whether that's making a big change in your life, or a call to live in the present, that's up to you.

Stay tuned as I have a very exciting post to come about how I'm taking action against future tripping in my own life, right now!

Calling bullshit on the glorification of busy-ness

*Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece, not intended to offend but to challenge and call bullshit on both the unrealistic expectations women are expected to meet and the expectation that we must put everyone before ourselves.*I woke up this morning at 4am, and after making myself a carrot and apple smoothie, I went out for a 10k run, followed by a quick pop to the local swimming pool to get some lengths in.

After gulping down my smoothie at home while reading the paper, managing my calendar, sending work e-mails and feeding the dog, I picked up a home-made muffin as I rushed off to work, where I literally saved the world banking crisis. In half an hour.

My lunch hour (or 15 minutes I should say because I’m so committed to my job) consisted of running errands for my neighbour and solving world poverty.

After another five hours of sweat inducing report writing, and eating a snack box of celery (you burn calories as you eat didn’t you know), I’m off to pick up the kids from school, with their twenty-three friends for after school raw vegan organic tea and cake (which I grew and baked myself, of course).

After they went home and I bleached the house from top to bottom, did all of my spring cleaning and ordered another round of Christmas presents online, my friend called because she’s having a huge crisis, so I popped over to see her in-between baking a cake for my ill grandmother and meeting world leaders to resolve the situation in Gaza.

Now it’s ten o’clock at night. I’m on Facebook sharing a status because I want everyone I’ve ever met to know how super busy I am. I’m even doing my nightly beauty regime at the same time, consisting of kegel muscle exercises (tight, relax, tight relax) so I’m not caught by surprise when Oprah turns up in the middle of the night to give me a trophy

We are not superheroes.

Superheroes don’t exist.

This is not an aspiration.

This is bullshit.

[Tweet "We can't be everything to everyone. "] We can't pour our heart and soul into everything we do.

The people who we think have got it together the most? 100 dollars says they haven't.

Like we know the photos of women on the front of the cover are photoshopped and aren't real, these expectations are also unattainable and impossible.

I'm calling bullshit, and I urge you to choose yourself instead.

Why believing you matter will change your life (and the world)

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The below image is the front page of my Radical Self Love Bible (if you haven't already checked it out, I can't recommend the Radical Self Love Bible School by Gala Darling enough!)

And I'm really happy with my front page, because it reminds me that no matter how shit a situation it is, if you can not only remember but believethat you matter, then you can get through all sorts of things.

Small changes and big changes, good things and great things - they all stem from believing that you matter.

But the most important thing? It's about hearing it from ourselves, not relying on other people to make us feel great.

Other people are great at telling us what we're doing wrong, and what we can improve, and that's what we end up focusing on. Think about it - when was the last time someone gave you criticism?

Now - when was the last time someone complimented you?

It's harder to remember the last one isn't it? And I bet the negative comment played on your mind for a lot longer.

The thing about feeling like you matter, is that when you start believing it, all kinds of things start falling into place.

You start making decisions from a different place; one of self value and worth. You start treating yourself better, which can only be good, and you start suddenly finding routes and ways for things you've been wanting to do but thought were a long distant dream.

Sounds good, right? So how do we go about believing that we matter?

Practical Tips

1. Do something you're good at, often. It doesn't need to be so impressive. Recognise your strengths and play to them when you can.

2. Do something you enjoy. It's as simple as that. Get lost in something that makes you feel amazing, and live in the moment.

3. Build a protective bubble around things that make you feel shitty. Have a job you hate? A relative that makes you want to scream? Build great things around the time you spend doing things that aren't so great, and remember them, often.

4. Do something that scares you. When you face fear and do something that scares you (even if only a little bit), you get to see first hand just how strong you are, and how you can tackle things you never thought you could.

5. Think about the things you'll regret not doing, and try and find a good reason not to do them. If you can find one, forget it. If you can't, make a plan.

You fucking matter. You really do. And it's when you start to value yourself that you make the change in the world, that only you can do. 

Celebrating the shit out of your small wins

When it comes to standing up for yourself, changing habits, achieving goals, and basically anything in life, there's one thing that's going to help. And that's starting to celebrate the shit out of your small wins.

So, what is a small win?

It’s doing something small that will help you achieve a larger goal, or helps you into doing something bigger.

I know that sounds really shitting obvious, but often, we don’t take the time to see all the little things that amalgamate to the big thing.

I mean, we could all do with the reminder every now and about that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Because something that’s really easy to forget.

As technology changes, we’re getting used to instant gratification. Want to buy something? Quick click and it’s done. Want to learn a new skill? Sure, there are a thousand video tutorials to choose from.

And at some point we started applying the same strategy to our goals.

We start wanting to achieve our goals before we’ve even decided what they are.

So when we decide that we need to learn to say no, we expect ourselves to be able to do it straight away.

The thing about small wins

is that once you start celebrating them, the journey gets that much better, because we’re giving ourselves a boost and acknowledging our achievements.

Think about that infamous saying, happiness is a journey, not a destination.

It’s so true.

And if we can make that journey even richer, the better.

So, today, I’m going to share a small win I had yesterday.

Our landlady has just arranged for someone she knows to clean our windows. We already have a window cleaner we pay privately, but obviously, it make economic sense to cancel our window cleaner, and go with the new one, which will be covered by our landlords.

That of course involves telling someone I don’t want their service anymore.

It might not be for you, but for me, that’s an awkward situation, because I’m not a huge fan of conversations where I turn people away.

So, I explained the situation to him, was nice about it, and low and behold, he got it.

And it was easy. It wasn’t awkward, he was lovely about it.

I could have berated myself about making a big deal about nothing, but I reframed it into a positive and it felt good.

How about you? What’s something you’ve done today that you can celebrate?

No win is too small, and no celebration is too big!

It’s the small wins that will keep you on track to wherever you’re heading.

7 ways to become assertive and stop people pleasing

I used to be scared of being assertive. I thought I would alienate people, turn people away, and I thought people would just think I was a massive bitch. I've spent a lot of my life being a people pleaser. While I dress in bright and bold colours (that never match), have colourful language and like thinking outside of the box, I've spent a long time in fear of offending or being rude to people, and being judged.

And being a people pleaser is exhuasting. But the things we don't even consider are the most damaging:

* When we're busy people pleasing, we're telling ourselves that we're less important, and that our needs are less important

* Our decisions are made from a place of fear and wanting to appease others, instead of for ourselves

* We're putting a lot of ourselves on the line for other people, who probably don't even think twice.

And there lies the problem. When we're scared of being assertive and are busy people pleasing, we're looking at the outcomes based on other people’s perception, instead of thinking what it would do for us.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I've learned to be assertive.

 And funnily enough, becoming assertive didn’t make me a bitch. Instead, I feel like I have more control over my life, which makes me happier.

By standing my ground, I actually find that people have more respect for me and my confidence has grown.

And people know where I stand. When I said yes to something, my friends and family know I mean it, instead of going along with it to make life easier. And the same goes with saying no.

It's a hard transition, going from someone who is worried about being judged by the decisions they make, to someone who approaches the world with the same level of kindness, but more rough around the edges. But from someone who's been there, there are lots of things you can you can do to make it a bit easier and start the journey.

1. Write a manifesto

Knowing what you stand for is one of the best foundations you can have for becoming assertive. A manifesto is a no holding back declaration of who you are - it is unapologetically you. It's generally just for you, and encompasses everything that makes you you, forgetting and not caring what others might think.There are lots of resources you can use for this, but Alexandra Franzen's guide to writing a mind-blowing manifesto is a favourite of mine. You can find her guide here.

2. Think about people you like who are assertive

Somewhere along the line, being an assertive woman became synonymous with being a bitch. As women, we've spent centuries fighting for our right to have a voice and be listened to, so it isn't surprising that we struggle when it comes to assertiveness. To challenge this belief, have a think about a friend or family member who you like, who is also assertive. Does their assertiveness make you like them any less? How do people react to it? What do they do when they're asserting themselves? Chances are, they're things you can adapt for yourself, and remember - they had to learn to be assertive too.

3. Make a list of the positives that will come with being assertive

I love a list. I particularly love a list that's useful, that you can stick up somewhere. Have a think about why you started reading this post in the first place. Why do you want to become assertive? What do you think you'll get out of being assertive? Is it so people will stop taking the piss and taking you for granted? Is it because you're on the final straw and have just had enough of people treating you the way they say fit? Put it all down, and put it somewhere that you'll see it. That way, when you're putting boundaries into place, you know the wider perspective of why its so important.

4. Be realistic about the people you're worried are judging you

I'd say 95% of the people you see on a daily basis (in a supermarket, at a bus stop, in a cafe), you are never going to see again. And as horrible as it might sound, they're minds are probably full of problems in their own world, and they won't care if you fringe looks a bit wonky or if you assert yourself in a queue. They don't really care as they have bigger fish to fry.

5. The swimming costume story

Building on from the last point, I want to share you a story that my Mum told me when I was younger. I remember being terrified about going swimming because I thought my thighs were fat. I thought people were going to judge me.  I thought people were going to laugh at me and point and stare. I shared my embarrassment with my Mum and she told me that the people in the swimming pool would be more worried thinking about how they look, and their own hang ups to even register mine. And she was right. I went swimming, no one pointed and laughed, and I had a lovely time. The same is true now. People are too busy worrying about being judged themselves than they are judging you! Unless they're really horrible people, and if so, read this.

6.  Be kind to yourself

At some point, if we want other people to stop judging us, we need to stop judging ourselves. We're so fixated on negative things we think about ourselves, that we don't even stop to think that other people probably haven't even noticed. Keep a list of compliments that other people have given you, write a list of things you do like about yourself. See the good things, and focus in on them.

7. Find little ways to be assertive.

This can be as creative as you like. It could start with telling someone who's pushed in a queue that you were in front of them. It could be sending food back in a restaurant if it's not cooked right. It could be getting used to asking people in a shop where things are. The steps you take and how big they are will all depend on your situation, but remember to count each of your wins, no matter how small. (But don't turn into a dictator and be nasty to people just for the sake of testing our your new assertiveness skills, that's not cool).

Some people won't like it when you become assertive but that’s their problem. There’s nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself and saying no. Though it does take practice, it infact makes your life easier in the long run!

But let’s face it, life is never going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean you need to sabotage yourself and make it harder!

So, to wrap up, I just want to say a couple more things that are really important. Firstly, learning to be assertive takes time.  Don't beat yourself up every time you slip up. Accept that it's a process and celebrate the small wins along the way. Keep a list of them, and feel good, because you should!

And, lastly and most importantly, remember:

You weren't born to take up space, your feelings are just as important as anyone else's and you fucking matter.

3 ways to say no and stop people taking you for granted

“It would be easier, and quicker if I just did it.”“It will cause an argument if I said no, and I hate conflict"

Sound familiar?

I thought so.

So let’s take a couple of scenarios:

1. You’re at work and your colleague is taking a loooong time to do a basic task. Sometimes you jump in to offer them help because it’s a less painless experience all round. But this time, you’ve held back and they’ve asked for your help. You know fully well that it’s easier to do it yourself than explain it so they can do it. You’ve got quite a few deadlines yourself but it’s only going to take about half hour and it’s just easier all round if you get it done with. 2. You’re out with a partner/friend and you’re going for a bite to eat. You’ve been wanting to try this quirky new restaurant for a while now and hear the menu’s great and you both agreed this sounded like a great plan last week. Now it’s come to crunch time, they’ve changed her mind and you end up agreeing to go to the restaurant you usually go to. You would put your point across but you don’t want to ruin the night and cause a scene.

So what’s going on here?

Quite a few things, but namely two:

1. You feel that it’s easier just to go along and do what is asked of you

2. You avoid conflict

Hence, you say yes to both. And your urge to say no remains.

But it’s not really what you want. In the first situation, while you may have the time to do it, you’ve also got your own work which is a much bigger priority. Taking just half an hour out to help a colleague (and it wouldn’t be the first or the second time) will inevitably put you behind, increasing your stress levels in the long run. And if we’re brutally honest, you’re not really helping your colleague in the long run, because they won’t learn what they need to. They’ll keep scraping deadlines because you help them, hence becoming dependent on you.

In the second situation, you’re not being true to yourself. Because you don’t want to cause a scene (and I’m not judging, I’ve done this plenty of times), you’re happy to sacrifice your own wants and needs. You don't want to remind them of your conversation last night because you don't want to ruin the evening.  What we don’t often consider, is that in doing so, it’s creating a power relationship where you never get your way, and there’s little compromise. You end up going along with something you didn’t really want to keep the peace. And nobody wants to end up in a resentful friendship/relationship.

Let’s be honest, both scenarios are a bit shit.

When you’re stuck in a situation where saying no is the easier option or saves you an argument, here are some things you can do:

1. The Broken Record

This is one of my favourites, but I can’t claim credit for it. The Broken Record is an old technique taught through counselling, to help set boundaries. It’s as simple as this - come up with a statement that reaffirms the point you want to get across and keep repeating it. For example:

“I’m really busy right now, but if I get time to have a look at it, I’ll let you know” - sets the boundaries and leaves the ball in your court. Win!

“I’d really like to do x, I’ve been wanting to for ages and thought it would be nice to go together.” - You’re putting your needs out there, unapologetically and have considered the both/group of you. Win!

You can alter how you say your broken record statement, but keep the essence the same to make boundaries as clear as possible and to avoid confusion.

TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED WEB

2. Be objective

If someone is asking you to do something, try and be objective. This is hard at first, because it involves taking the emotion out of it, but it gets easier with time.

For example, let’s say your neighbour asks you to go and pick something up for them just as they can see you’ve come home from your weekly shopping trip, it wouldn’t make sense to go back out. It would take more time (which is limited), more money (to get there and back) and implies it's okay that neighbour can keep asking you to do things last minute.

It may be a case of applying the broken record and coming to a compromise. Maybe they can let you know earlier in the week should they need something.

3. What would you say if didn’t give a shit what other people thought?

This can be as harsh or as friendly as you want it to, depending on the circumstance. For example, telling someone to fuck off and do it themselves is probably rarely necessary, and is definitely not going to help in a working environment. But if you’ve got good banter with a friend, used in a humorous way, it might put your point across firmly.

The best way to use this technique, is to come up with what you would say if you didn’t give a shit what other people think and hurting other's feelings and translate it into something a bit nicer.

Give them a go, and let me know how you get on! Saying yes to things you don't want to do does make life harder for you a lot of the time. You may save an argument on a particular occasion, but that's a lot of resentment to store and hold onto.

Remember.  saying no means less doing things that you don’t want to, and more time to do things that you actually want to do. This makes for a happier you and better relationships with people around you. And that's got to be a good thing!

I'd love to see if this has helped you! Let me know in the comments!

You are worth more than your to-do list!

Got a to-do list on the go? Got it with you right now? Good.

Now rip it up.

I’m being serious.

Rip it up, just today.

You are more than your to-do list. You are more than the sum of everything you have to do today.

If, and only if, the world will end if you don’t do the items on your to do list, pick just three.

You are here, you are alive and you have hopes and dreams.

Living your life, means exactly that. Living it.

Being present, living in the moment and experiencing things.

Go do something that makes you feel alive.

Decision making 101 - heart vs logic

When was the last time you made a decision for yourself without relying on others? For some, that might not even be an issue, for others, it’s a bit of a wake up call.

Giving decisions away

I have always relied on others to help me make decisions. I find big decisions scary, and have always asked people around me for their ten cents (or twenty, hell, maybe a dollar). I can recall plenty of times where I would have happily given the decision for someone else to make, just for it to be out of my hands, and for the decision to be made dammit. This was the case when deciding whether to quit a job, change courses and get my adorable house rabbits.

In the past, I’ve got myself so het up trying to make decisions that I’ve ended up feeling sick, and becoming truly obsessive. I’m like a girl with a one track mind (minus the filth).

If you spoke to me on any given day a  couple of years ago and asked me what my gut feeling was, it would have gone something like this:

‘I think I know what I should do, but what if a happens. What is b doesn’t happen. What about c? What do you think?’

‘I shouldn’t do it. There. I’ve made my decision’. A couple of minutes later ‘Nope, I’m going to do it, ahhhh I don’t know what to do’

Hence the need to rely on others in making decision.

But here’s the thing. When you start relying on others to help you make decisions, they’re not your decisions. This may seem obvious, and it is, but there are a  myriad of underlying factors that I didn’t realise while running to other people:

1. The only person that has your best interests at heart is you

It doesn’t matter how much someone loves you, or does for you, at the end of the day, the person who cares most about what happens to you is yourself. I’m not being mean, I’m telling you the truth. Hence the best person to make decisions in your life really is you.

2. The people you turn to may have their own motives

Hard to admit but sometimes true. And they might not even realise it.

3. Your self esteem

Take a minute to think about the internal messages you’re sending to yourself when you’re looking to other people to (help) make decisions for you. You’re telling yourself ‘I can’t do this on my own’, ‘I don’t trust myself to make a good decision’ and ‘Other people have more control over my life’. These aren’t good messages.

4. Dependency culture

If you get to the point where you can’t make a decision without phoning a friend (or using a lifeline - kudos if you got the reference), you become dependent on other people. Power within relationships becomes reinforced and that doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

But we don’t think of them. We focus on how much better it is to have more people involved in the decision making process. Maybe there is even some relief, that if it doesn’t work out, you’re not the only one to blame (or so you may tell yourself).

I’m not advocating for all decisions to be made by yourself all the time.

I’m advocating for trust in yourself.

[Tweet " You know how to make good decisions for yourself."]

Exercise

If that sounds all good and well but you’ve got no idea how to go about it, try these on for size:

•   Set a timer-  there’s a great quote that says that every problem can be solved in 15 minutes. Next time you’re stuck, set a timer, apply the below and see where it gets you.

•   Make a decision and don’t go back on it, (if it feels right.) Sometimes our decisions aren’t logical. Sometimes, what may logistically work out, is the very thing we try to avoid. (For example, let’s say I want to make money. It may make logical sense to climb the corporate ladder in a job I don’t enjoy. That’s just not going to work for me, because I value my time a lot more than I value money). The heart usually wins over the mind.

•   Pros & Cons list - good old fashioned two column list works like a treat, just be sure to remember that some points are worth more than others, so tallying each side up and seeing which one is the highest doesn’t always work.

•   What makes you feel good? As long as you’re not exploiting others, this is often the best to go with.

[Tweet "Living a whole hearted and heart centred life starts with trusting yourself."]

You, and only you are the expert in your life.

You know what makes you happy, you know what makes you want to scream, and what sends you running for your duvet.

Friends & families are important and they do matter when it comes to the big decisions, but when you’re making a decision to make your life more [insert your own adjective here], you’re the only one that can make the decision and get it right.

How discovering multipotentiality felt like coming home

*This post is part of Puttyfest - celebrating the 4 year anniversary of Puttylike* It’s been a year since I learned of the term multipotentiality.

Up until that point, I worried why I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

I didn’t realise that having multiple interests and being good at a multitude of things was even a thing. I thought it was a sure sign that I couldn’t make my mind up as to what on earth I wanted to do.

Feeling like the odd one out

Every one around me seemed to be settled, and had chosen the path they wanted to follow.

But for me, it was another story. I had so many projects whirling around in my head, there were so many things I wanted to try my hand out, and I still can’t think of many things worse than doing the same thing, in the same town, with the same people for the next forty years.

On the outside my life looked good.

On the inside, I was trying to work out whether I would ever be able to stop doing a hundred and three things at once, and if I would ever be able to recover from being perpetually busy.

This was around the time that I was starting to burnout. I looked at my life and couldn’t find much that was right.

Even thought I had landed what I thought would be my dream job, and moved in with my now fiancé, I had no energy, no longer wanted to see friends, and felt completely and utterly lost.

I had aimed for everything society deems acceptable - a stable pay check, a stable relationship and a stable home.

Dreams of achieving all of my goals at once faded with the need to pay my bills and manage my job.

Was this it?

I remember looking at friends who were travelling with envy, and wondering what had led me to the path more travelled.

I felt like I had been given someone else’s life, which was less than the perfect fit.

My anxiety was increasing, I was beyond stressed at work and was going to the doctors every week with a new ailment.

(Just slow down, they said.)

It was around that time that I was signed off work.

In between sleeping, not feeling able to leave the house and googling how to relax, I came across lifestyle design:

The radical idea that you can design your life the way that suits you and fuck the rest.

I stumbled across Puttylike and it was like discovering another world.

MULTIPOTENITALITY WEB

A world where people merged the craziest of interests, were working to build a life that worked for them and were making a difference in their own way. 

Reading about Emilie Wapnick and her movement of Puttypeeps, I felt a deeper calling that my life was about so much more than trying to make ends meet and making everyone around me happy.

It was like finding the missing jigsaw piece to a jigsaw puzzle you didn’t even know it existed.

I finally began to explore the nuances of my personality which had laid dormant under rigid expectations of who I thought I should be.

It wasn’t an easy journey, but by surrounding myself by people who were taking life by the horns, I began to realise that I wasn’t born to do just one thing.

Accepting myself

I began to understand that having such a variety of interests was an asset, and I didn’t need to settle for anything less than setting my soul on fire .

I saw that it’s not just okay to be someone who hasn’t just got one thing, but it’s a gift.

I don’t know where I’d be today if I hadn’t stumbled on a simple word called multi potentiality, or if Emily hadn’t bravely put herself out there in the world like she did,

I would probably be back hiding in my shell, sure I was missing a party somewhere, but with no idea where to look.

I’d be on a different path, that’s for sure.

Believe in yourself, not just other people

I’ve written before on my blog about how inspired I get by big adventures and taking risks. You know what it’s like. You’re watching your favourite team on a Saturday night (or like me, watching Nashville) and you’re rooting for them to score (or get back together). You’re watching your friend take make a big decision and rooting for them, regardless of the outcome. You’re watching someone (anyone) taking a big risk and your heart is pounding, you’re holding your breath, hoping for the best outcome.

You’re aching for them, and sometimes it’s difficult to watch, but you can’t tear your eyes away. What’s so strange is the emotional investment we have in others (often strangers), in comparison to ourselves.

The sense of belief, the sense that everything will work out no matter what the outcome, the sense that when your best friend puts her heart on the line and to quote Brene Brown, dares greatly, you will be fucking proud of her no matter what happens.

What we’re not thinking about, when we’re watching our favourite player score (I don’t know what’s with the sports metaphors) is what’s going through their head.

The adrenaline, the fear of failure, the desperation to achieve, the way they feel alive, the way they’re worrying about letting themselves, and other people down.

We’re watching them, like they could fly. We’re hoping for them, we’re there with them.

Yet when we take risks ourselves, we mainly tend to focus on the what ifs; what if we fail, what if we don’t succeed, what if we regret it.

How often do we pause to think of what if we do so well that we fly?

Recently I’ve got (too) into watching vine compilations on YouTube and I think I’ve found my favourite which sums up what I’m trying to say perfectly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Wvg-U302D4

Check out the dog (in a life jacket). She begins cautiously, and look how, with a little encouragement, she spreads her little doggy paws and just fucking goes for it.

And all the way through (all of about 6 seconds), we are rooting for her.

We’re willing her to take the risk,

And she does.

We feel better. We smile.

Maybe this is just me, but I feel so proud of that little corgi, and I find it bizarrely inspiring.

So next time you’re wondering whether or not to take that risk, think of the corgi. Think of how you could fly.

And think of how you’ll be happy with yourself for doing it, even if you don’t sprout wings.

How to create your own escape plan

I should first start with this. I love plans. I am a complete nerd. I love planning. I hardly ever stick to them, but there’s something about the sense of control, the reduction of anxiety, and the idea of dreams becoming reality that I find really appealing. Not quite Ryan Gosling appealing though. I’ll leave that for my X rated blog that is not appropriate to share here (joke, I’m way to busy for that.)

I love the big plans, the no-fucking-way plans, the big ass plans that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

Nothing inspires me more than hearing stories of people who decide they want to change things up so make a plan to pack their things, travel the world or go move to another country and design a life that follows their passions.

But I also LOVE the small plans. The maybe plans, the just incase plans, the they-look-comforting-on-my-flower-post-it-note-plans.

As passionate people, I think it’s fair to say we get in all kinds of sticky situations. Through genuinely wanting to help other people, and wanting to use our strengths and skills for good, we end up in circumstances we don’t want to be in. We tend to say yes. A lot. It’s as if the word wants to burst out of our mouths before we’ve even been asked something.

I mean, we’ve all been there - roped into ‘helping’ someone we vaguely know (read: doing all the work for a project that we thought would take ten minutes), trying to get away with checking our watches to find a way out of a meeting, sitting with a friend we haven’t seen in a while - and now we remember why - and trying to find an excuse to leave but our imagination seems to have flown out of the window.

Or maybe we’re just somewhere we really don’t want to be, but we can’t find a way out. This is especially pertinent to being in the depths of burnout when we're forced to stop, or feel completely overwhelmed. Our anxiety levels can increase, the simplest of tasks can feel impossible and our confidence and self esteem can dip.

Now, learning to say no is another completely different topic so I'll leave that for a separate post. What I want to talk about here is what we can do to keep a strong sense of who we are and what we want, in moments we wish we could escape.

And that's where the small plans come in. A list of 4 things that you can do when things get too much and you want out. Like, right now.

Everyone is going to have different escape plans, so I'll share mine to give you an idea.

1. The bathroom breathing plan

This is one of my favourites. If you're stuck somewhere, let's say work for example and you start feeling overwhelmed and get the 'must leave now' urge, the bathroom could well be your best friend. When fight or flight kicks in, I can calmly walk to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and BREATHE. Makes all the difference.

2.  The deadline plan

I often use this when I'm nervous or my anxieties are playing up. I set myself an ideal time that I would like to finish the activity/conversation/whatever it is that I'm worrying about. Then I half it. Now here is the important part - tell the person/people your second, shorter deadline at the earliest possible moment. Set the expectation and boundaries at the earliest possibility and it takes a lot of  the stress away. You might even find that you stay longer than you thought because you start to enjoy yourself now you're not under so much pressure and have the option to escape.

ESCAPE PLAN WEB

3. The treat plan

Sometimes, and this pains me to say it, there are very little ways out. Sometimes, things just have to be done. For those times, plan yourself a treat for after. Give yourself something to really look forward to. It could be having a nice coffee after, buying a magazine, having a long soak in the bath or something else that makes you feel good. It's about acknowledging you got through it when you thought you couldn't, and being proud of yourself.

4. The honest plan

Honesty is sometimes the best policy. Making people aware of your feelings can often work out in your best interest. Generally people are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't take much time to think of anything else. What you think must be blindingly obvious to them (your nerves, anxiety, panic), more likely than not goes completely over their heads. By making people aware of how you're feeling - if you feel able to - you might be surprised by how supportive they are, and how much release this gives you. (But perhaps don't tell your friend she is a complete fun-sucker, it is always nice to treat people how you like to be treated after all).

So next time you feel stuck somewhere you don't want to be, or everything gets too much, get this baby out of your toolbox and take her for a spin.

What are your escape plans? I'd love to hear about them in the comments!