Learning to choose yourself over unrealistic expectations.

A lot of us set ourselves high expectations. Sometimes they're not realistic, and we spend time beating ourselves up, full of self sabotage. That's why I want to share my story of 'failure' with you today.

A month ago, I wrote here on my blog about this year being the year to complete NaNoWriMo (50,000 word novel in a month).

Well, it didn't happen.

I can officially say, I failed.

What actually happened?

Well, I got about a week in, got to just under 7,000 word and decided the pressure I was putting on myself just wasn't worth it.

I was starting to feel a sense of dread about writing every day; I knew it was unlikely that I would make the word count, and it even got to the point where I was starting to feel a bit nauseous and very stressed at just the idea because I've had so much else going on in November.

Because that's the thing about NaNoWriMo - you have to be willing to put most of your life on hold to complete it, and be able to completely 100% dedicate yourself to just your novel.

And you never know what will happen in a month.

Not to mention, that when you start off with a (very) vague plan and not much else, it's pretty hard. I mean, I didn't even have an outline of my story. I was a bit doomed from the outset to be honest.

Not that other people haven't managed it, but I for one didn't.

So I've officially failed.

But, what about unofficially?

Well, I'm fucking proud of myself.

I might not have finished but I made a great start. Writing aside, I was able to make the decision not to continue, instead of putting myself through the stress like I would have a couple of years ago. And I stopped when I was still enjoying myself, so I know it'll be a project I return to some day.

I had a good look at my expectations and chose myself.

I may have not been able to write a 50,000 word novel, but I've been blogging consistently, three times a week for the past three months (which works out to be about 30,000 words, with additional top secret side projects on the side). And that's no mean feat.

But it is not about the word count. It's about the fact that I've loved writing every single blog post.

I've got lists and lists of future post ideas, I feel really inspired, I feel confident with my writing and I'm enjoying it! 

Isn't that the point?

You can apply this to any of your goals. Reframe the situation: you might not set out to achieve what you wanted to, but on the way, I'm sure you'll do things that you didn't think you would, and you'll find things that you've been wanting to do for a long time, that you're already doing without even realising it!

So I can officially say I'm ending 2014 without writing a novel, without achieving one of my dreams. But on the way, I collected more goals, that I have achieved and managed my expectations.

And they're worth their weight in Harry Potter books.

Pep talk - what do you keep meaning to do?

Last night I did something that I've been meaning to do since this time last year. It's not profound, it's not impressive, it's something that's really simple.

And that was get in bed at 7pm with a good book and spend the whole evening in bed reading.

That might not be your cup of tea, but bear with me.

Last November, I went to Geneva for a long weekend by myself. I'd already spent most of every day by the Lake, visiting the Red Cross Museum (I would thoroughly recommend it) and having a good explore. It got to the night time, and I wasn't staying in the nicest of areas and I also hadn't clocked on how expensive everything in Geneva would be. (It was also very dark). So I decided to have a night in, as in from 5pm onwards.

It was the first time I had ever spent a weekend alone, and although I was terrified before I went, it was the one weekend that taught me that my own company is something I hugely value.

I'm sat in my hostel after cooking creamy tomato pasta (my lack of French meant I ended up putting a whole tub of creme fraiche in, yuk), and wondering what to do.

The thought crosses my mind just to get in bed and settle down with the new Jodi Picoult book I'd bought. So I did, only slightly judging my boring self for not going out to do more exploring.

And it was one of the nicest and relaxing evenings in I can remember.

Since getting back, getting in bed early with a book has been something I've tried to do, and often failed. Life often gets in the way, and often, I'm just not in the mood.

So, last night, I just did it.

I knew I had a couple of things I needed to do, but I put them to the back of my mind, and just got in bed and opened my book.

And the first thought that came to my mind was, why do I not do this more often?! But instead of beating myself up about it, I just enjoyed the moment and finished my book, waking up feeling more rejuvenated than I have in the last couple of weeks.

So that brings me back to the title of this post. What do you keep meaning to do? I don't mean a chore, or something that's on your to-do list. What's something that you've done before and meant to try again? What's something relaxing you've always fancy?

Now, go and do it. And if you can't do it, schedule it in for the next couple of days. You don't need a reason for it, just do it.

It's often the things that our mind and bodies need that we fail to do, because like I said before, life just gets in the way.

So do it now, bask in it, and plan to do it again!

What do you keep meaning to do? Get out your planner, and schedule it in! And tell me all about it in the comments!

Writing, success and unrealistic expectations

It’s often been said that every person has a novel in them, but they never write it. This month, I’m on a one woman quest to come to peace with my fear, create healthy expectations, and do something I’ve talked about doing my whole life. Since I was about six, it has always been my ambition to be a writer. I always wanted to write novels, and I have many novels that I’ve started and never finished.

I remember going through pages and pages of a4 lined paper, having folder after folder of started stories and character ideas.

Pressure

I’ve always been able to write well, and was never shy of telling my teachers, my parents, basically anyone who was willing to listen to me, that I was going to be a writer.

And, as often happens when the talents we have as children are recognised, the compliments and reassurances started to come in. ‘You’re going to be the next [insert great author’s name].’ or ‘I look forward to picking up one of your books from a book shop one day’.

As well meaning as the support was, I felt a huge amount of pressure. I internalised the pressure, and the biggest source of pressure came from myself. As I’ve written about before, I have really high expectations of myself, and have lived most of my life having binary views.

I was either going to be a bestselling author, or not bother.

I spent a good ten years trying to write and not producing anything. Every time I looked at a blank page, I panicked. If I wrote a paragraph and it wasn’t right, it was going in the bin.

Frustration about not being able to write quickly turned into shame. I felt embarrassed that I hadn’t achieved what everyone thought I was going to.

That blocked me even further.

And then I really felt like a failure.

It got to the point that I knew something that to be done. I had to take a really honest look at my belief system. Did I really believe that there was no point in writing if it didn’t produce a bestselling novel? Did I believe that in order to be a writer you have to produce stunning works of art, or writing as a form of expression was perfectly okay?

WRITING AND SUCCESS WEB

Did I believe those things for everyone, or did I believe them just for me?

It turned out that those were expectations and beliefs I put just on myself. They applied only to a bubble of one.

After re-evaluating what success looks like for me, and starting to journal, I found that the blank page was no longer like looking down the edge of a cliff. Blank notebooks once again became an opportunity, and I started to believe that even if I only write for myself, that is enough.

So, this year I’ve decided to take it one step further and this month, I’m going to be writing a novel. As part of Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month), my aim is to write a 50,000 word by midnight November 30th.

I’m not going to lie, it scares the shit out of me. 

But, because I have so much to write in so little time, I haven’t got the option to start ideas and stall on them and I haven’t got time to listen to the voice in my head that’s telling me not to bother.

This experiment is about so much more than writing a novel.

It’s about putting my beliefs into practice and having realistic expectations; what I write is not going to be a masterpiece, and that’s okay. 

And right now, I’m 2,000 words behind on my word count, and I’m okay with that!

What cutting my hair taught me about motivation

I had a dream. No, not the Martin Luther King type.

The type where something happens in your dream and you wake up thinking, hey, I’m gonna try that right now.

Hold your horses, it’s not that exciting (and it’s definitely not raunchy), but it’s worth a blog post at least.

I don’t know where I was in my dream, I don’t have any idea who was in it (not Ryan Gosling, I can tell you that much), but I do remember taking matters into my own hands and cutting my own hair.

For all of you hair experts, I know this isn’t a huge. But for someone who’s pretty picky about who cuts their hair, and can’t even draw a line with a ruler, it was a bit of a big deal.

Acting on my dream

So, I wake up, reinvigorated, ready for a hair cut. I am motivated. Nope, I’m not going to go to my usual salon - as lovely as it is - I’ve got a stubborn determination to do it myself.

(An aside: I dyed my hair blue four weeks prior and really embraced ‘I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks’ ,so I wasn’t that worried about screwing up my hair. My main concern was giving myself a bowl cut and looking like this guy).

I quickly googled and youtubed how to cut your hair, put in a fringe and add layers and take what my partner lovingly tells me are hairdressing scissors (I’m still dubious), and then I went for it.

Remember I talked about hacking my garden bush before? This time wasn’t much better. But I roughly got the hang of it, and just figured I’d keep going.

Fast forward and I’ve finished my new hairstyle.

CUTTING MY HAIR WEB

The outcome

And it looks pretty good! Okay, maybe you can tell that the scissors were a little blunt but apart from that, I have layers, I don’t have a bowl cut and my hair has a bit more shape to it.

The lesson here?

Sometimes it’s about just going for it. Admitting you’re not an expert and trying it anyway.

What’s the worse that can happen, really?

[Tweet "We can spend our lives sitting on the sidelines, waiting for perfection, or we can just go for it and accept any mishaps."]

I know which I’d prefer.

What about you? I’d love to hear about any experiences you’ve had, or haircuts gone wrong!

How discovering multipotentiality felt like coming home

*This post is part of Puttyfest - celebrating the 4 year anniversary of Puttylike* It’s been a year since I learned of the term multipotentiality.

Up until that point, I worried why I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

I didn’t realise that having multiple interests and being good at a multitude of things was even a thing. I thought it was a sure sign that I couldn’t make my mind up as to what on earth I wanted to do.

Feeling like the odd one out

Every one around me seemed to be settled, and had chosen the path they wanted to follow.

But for me, it was another story. I had so many projects whirling around in my head, there were so many things I wanted to try my hand out, and I still can’t think of many things worse than doing the same thing, in the same town, with the same people for the next forty years.

On the outside my life looked good.

On the inside, I was trying to work out whether I would ever be able to stop doing a hundred and three things at once, and if I would ever be able to recover from being perpetually busy.

This was around the time that I was starting to burnout. I looked at my life and couldn’t find much that was right.

Even thought I had landed what I thought would be my dream job, and moved in with my now fiancé, I had no energy, no longer wanted to see friends, and felt completely and utterly lost.

I had aimed for everything society deems acceptable - a stable pay check, a stable relationship and a stable home.

Dreams of achieving all of my goals at once faded with the need to pay my bills and manage my job.

Was this it?

I remember looking at friends who were travelling with envy, and wondering what had led me to the path more travelled.

I felt like I had been given someone else’s life, which was less than the perfect fit.

My anxiety was increasing, I was beyond stressed at work and was going to the doctors every week with a new ailment.

(Just slow down, they said.)

It was around that time that I was signed off work.

In between sleeping, not feeling able to leave the house and googling how to relax, I came across lifestyle design:

The radical idea that you can design your life the way that suits you and fuck the rest.

I stumbled across Puttylike and it was like discovering another world.

MULTIPOTENITALITY WEB

A world where people merged the craziest of interests, were working to build a life that worked for them and were making a difference in their own way. 

Reading about Emilie Wapnick and her movement of Puttypeeps, I felt a deeper calling that my life was about so much more than trying to make ends meet and making everyone around me happy.

It was like finding the missing jigsaw piece to a jigsaw puzzle you didn’t even know it existed.

I finally began to explore the nuances of my personality which had laid dormant under rigid expectations of who I thought I should be.

It wasn’t an easy journey, but by surrounding myself by people who were taking life by the horns, I began to realise that I wasn’t born to do just one thing.

Accepting myself

I began to understand that having such a variety of interests was an asset, and I didn’t need to settle for anything less than setting my soul on fire .

I saw that it’s not just okay to be someone who hasn’t just got one thing, but it’s a gift.

I don’t know where I’d be today if I hadn’t stumbled on a simple word called multi potentiality, or if Emily hadn’t bravely put herself out there in the world like she did,

I would probably be back hiding in my shell, sure I was missing a party somewhere, but with no idea where to look.

I’d be on a different path, that’s for sure.

A simple approach to innovation

Kayaking doesn’t seem like the hardest thing in the world. A bit of balance, a bit of arm muscle and some good size waves. It doesn’t seem like a tasking activity. That’s until you met me. Let me paint you an accurate picture.

It’s sunny, I’ve hit the beach with my family and I’m in the sea. I’m coughing up water, I’m on my fourth attempt to get on the damn boat and my stomach is starting to kill from being thrashed about in the waves.

Imagine Baywatch.

Now think the opposite.

So I get on the boat (does it count as a boat? Oh,I don’t know!) and get the paddles into position, and I’m off (kind of?). I can confirm that it’s a pretty sad sight. The only way I can describe it is to think of a grown woman with the enthusiasm of a wide-eyed toddler pedalling on the spot.

[Tweet "I am not moving. I'm digging the oar in"]

And I’m not moving.

The harder I try, the harder it gets.

It’s pretty funny by this point. I can barely see beyond my life jacket and I’m quite certain that I’ve got my yearly salt intake in just a couple of mouthfuls.

My Dad meanwhile appears to be on some great voyage, having done a marathon style escape in his kayak, and my partner is bobbing up and down looking vaguely bemused.

I’m wracking my brain trying to think of why it’s not working. I’m moving the oar, higher, lower, to the side a bit, everything short of sitting on it.

I’m thinking of all these new fanangled methods to move forward and none of them are working.

After giving up for a while and sunbathing in the kayak (much nicer ), I try again, this time without all of the effort and without trying to find new techniques.

And it works.

I’m gliding the oars in the water, sailing along, I’m moving, life is amazing, I’m going to be in the next Olympics… (not quite).

Then it came to me.

What I had succeeded in doing while flailing around, was complicating the process to the point that I was stuck and out of ideas.

And Isn’t this what we all do at some point or another?

In an attempt to be original and innovative, we can overlook the simple.

We can complicate things to the point that we don’t know up from down. We get frustrated, we start to doubt ourselves and we wonder why things aren’t slotting into space.

It’s not always about doing something in a way that it’s not been done before.

What seems easy and obvious to us, would never occur to a lot of people.

And a lot of the time, the most obvious way of doing something isn't done well, or done at all, because people are trying to be too clever.

So, whatever you're stuck on right now, think about what the most obvious solution would be. Don't just think of innovation and trying new things.

And try it.

You never know where it might get you.